It’s Not a Choice
Standing on the edge of rooftop of the 20 storey building of my office, it'd have taken one second of insane courage to end it all, or maybe even a gust of strong wind.
But this is too late into the story. Let's back up a little, on 18th November 1994 I, Shishir Sharma was born in Benaras in the prestigious Sharma family with both sets of genitalia. Needless to say I was hated by everyone. They said I was an abomination to the family and should be burnt. My parents loved me so they decided to spare my life but raised me as a boy. But I felt wrong. Just not the way I was. I tried to subdue my feelings and figured if I stayed in male clothing long enough maybe I'll snap out of it. I was bullied in school. Because as much as I tried to hide it I couldn't change who I was.
I was not attracted to girls. My classmates used to make fun of me and used to call me names. I used to ignore them thinking someday they'll realise that it's not my fault. And one kid did. Vrajesh Mehta was a Gujarati boy from a noble family. He came from a lot of money but his behavior wasn't haughty.
He was nice to everyone and to me too. He said that he got what I was going through and that he'd be my friend. It was the happiest day in such a long time. I cried and hugged him and for a second I almost thought he'd push me away and laugh at me but he held on to me. It was a new feeling. Being accepted for who I am. Not being judged, questioned, hated just accepted. We became best of friends and soon other people started talking to me as well.
I was having the best time of my life, my scores were better too because of my regained confidence and my parents were happy and almost proud of me. Vrajesh and I would go for long trips in the forest on his bicycle. He would ride it and I would sit behind him holding his waist tightly. I liked holding him when he rode the bike, his body was lean and strong and warm. I wondered if I should tell him and I decided I will. So we were sitting on a huge Banyan tree eating berries, Vrajesh loved berries and I'd steal berries from the local fruit shop and bring them for him to eat. It took me all of my strength to say it "Vraj, can you keep a secret?" "Sure!" He said. "I like holding you while we ride the bike."
He looked at me with unapologetic eyes and said "I like it too Shishir, I think it's nice" And that was the end of it. I loved the fact that Vrajesh was so cool about it. I also loved Vrajesh. I thought of us living together riding bikes and eating berries off of trees.
I wondered if Vrajesh would think that was nice too. I wondered if I'd ever be able to tell him. And as If on cue the next day our teacher announced that the school was organising a Tour. It was a 2 night 3 days tour of Manali which included trekking. I decided I was gonna profess my love for Vrajesh on the tour.
He and I obviously signed up together and we got assigned to the same camp for accommodation. During the first night and the next entire day we spent in traveling. On reaching the camp I decided I'd tell Vrajesh about my feelings for him tomorrow evening with a grand gesture. I'd packed a rather large amount of berries in my luggage.
When tomorrow evening Vrajesh came back to the camp I was waiting for him in our room with the words 'I love you Vraj' arranged neatly with berries on our bed. Finally he came and he saw and his eyes filled with tears and he ran to me and hugged me tightly. I could not have been happier. It was so surreal. I was so happy that Vrajesh loved me it was almost too good to be true.
Vrajesh held my hand and took me out saying "there is something that I wanna show you as well" and we went to the riverside. For some reason I was getting the feeling that something was wrong because he was eerily quiet. Vraj held my hand and brought me to a big boulder.
Finally when I saw his face I saw that underlying mischief in his eyes mingled with something I was too familiar with - hatred. I asked him "Vraj what's going on?" and about 25 students of my class gathered around us laughing at me loudly just the way they used to laugh at me before. I felt vulnerable again. I looked at Vrajesh and he was laughing at me too just like everyone else. 'Gay boy, Kill yourself!' they were chanting. He looked at me like I was the worst thing in the world. It wasn't real, he didn't like me, nobody did, (kill yourself, gay boy!!) It was all an elaborate prank (Die faggot!!) He pushed me and I fell into the freezing water.
For the first few seconds the pain didn't register because I was still dealing with the shock and the embarrassment of the incident. Everything went blue and black and I was drowning in no time, I tried to move my hands and then I realised how excruciatingly cold the water was.
I must've passed out because I don't remember what happened afterwards. I woke up in the hospital with my father on my side looking utterly disgusted with me. I woke up and the first thing he did was slap me hard across my face. "YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY! YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE, NEVER SHOW ME YOUR FACE AGAIN". Vrajesh and all the other students involved were pardoned because the school didn't want negative publicity.
I moved out of my town after multiple attempts to convince my father to let me say and suffering from depression and started working to support my college. I had become a recluse, hardly talking to anyone. During my college placements I got selected in a company called Mehta Industries Ltd for the post of assistant manager. It was a pharmaceutical manufacturing company based in Gujarat. I quickly made my way up to Production manager. As part of my job I had to handle meetings with prospective buyers and hold presentations. This one project that I had been nervous about for the first few weeks was today and I had prepared vigorously and worked really hard because I wanted the promotion in the coming March.
My presentation was at 9.00 in the morning so I'd reached the office at 8.30 checking and then double checking equipments. The client arrived at 8.50 and a horrible memory flashed into my mind when I saw him. Vrajesh was the client and if I could be anymore angry and terrified (Die faggot!!) I would've been but this was about my career and so I brought myself together.
The presentation began and I tried to keep my eyes away from him concentrating on the presentation. But it was too painful to ignore(Kill yourself!!), at one point he started laughing at me as I fumbled. That was it. I lost my cool and jumped on him grabbing him by his shirt and started beating him up. Needless to say I was fired.
And now here I stand 20 storeys above the ground with the same cold chilly air blowing in my face and I'm just as terrified as I was that day in the river. But that is my only option left. Because no matter how hard you try people don't get it. We don't choose to be the way we are. It's not something we can control. It's natural. It's not a choice.
