A Letter to Beloved
Context : A boy is in deep love with a girl and so is she. Both had plans to get married and stay together for the lifetime. But, as always, life is not that simple. Girl’s parents had some other plans. They forced her to get married to someone else, whom they thought as THE perfect match for her, overlooking her wants. Girl is going to get married in a month or so. Both of them are trying to deal with this situation. This letter is the heart out from the boy to the girl.
Hi Dearest,
I am writing this to you because there is so much to say but when we talk later tomorrow night, I might not be able to speak out all. When it comes to talking to you, I forgot everything else. And as soon as I hang up, I feel like I wanted to tell this also and that also. May be after tomorrow’s call we might decide to finally close out the talks. So, writing this and hoping you will read this. I may well suggest you to write down as well if it makes you feel better.
O Love, you have people around and also him to talk to, but still you tend to remember the things between us. Just realize how it would be for me. Being alone here and always thinking about those things. I started dreaming my future with you. There was a motivation to come back to India and meet you and do things with you and now it seems it’s all over and there is nothing to look forward to. I don’t understand anything.
There used to be someone who was mine. There was someone who cared about what I do and what I don’t. There was someone whom I loved to talk about things happening. There was someone for whom I used to do something and be happy. And now that someone is not there. I feel alone and lost completely.
I am not able to forget the things which I imagined with you. I will be doing anything and suddenly your image flashes and I go out back there forgetting everything.
All will be sitting on the lunch table, talking and chit chatting. But I will be somewhere else only thinking how I used to mock feed someone while eating and how she used to respond by a nice cute smile. And now that smile, that laugh does not belong to me. Tears come to my eyes and it feels like I go and bang my head somewhere and cry my heart out.
You remember how I used to imagine you in the outfits of other girls I used to see. It still happens with the only difference that I feel guilty sometimes now to imagine you like that. When I look at other girls, it feels I am cheating on you. Tell me dear would you not feel bad to see me with someone else???
When I first came to London, it felt like a free world and wanted to enjoy every single thing. Then came you and things change completely. Never felt to do anything other than spending time with you. And now there is nothing to do. I feel guilty in doing things which any single guy in a city like London would be happy to do.
I wanted to come to India to meet and say these things on face to you. I knew myself and I can tell you I badly wanted to meet you. But just dint came because you dint want me to. And now is the situation that even if I come to meet you, you would feel guilty in meeting me like that. I will have this regret for lifetime of not coming to meet you. And also one wish would be to meet you and meet you like the way we both thought of. No tension, no worries. Just the way we were. I would have kept you happy dear.
Every single moment of the day, your thoughts wander around my mind. Every small thing like if you would have been here, you would have done this. You would have told this. You would have reacted like this. You would have smiled like this. You would have freaked out like this. You very well know how strong my imagination used to be. And now that strength of mine is troubling me the most as you are into every single activity of mine, every little thing.
I used to start for office in the morning and ping you. I used to speak those words to myself and plant you an imaginary kiss. Now as I start from home, your image flashes and tears roll out on my cheeks. I recall your talks every time. Those 3 words from you. The way you use to speak out them and how unexpected they used to be. Anywhere anytime. Hearing those 3 special words from you used to be my favorite thing. And now those words will never come out from you for me. This troubles me a lot.
Now, I try not to see Watsapp. Mobile will be lying nearby but I try not to touch it. As soon as any notification comes, I wish it’s from you only. And when it is not, it seems like crying inside. There was a time when life was too beautiful and now is the time when it does not feel worth living.
We thought many things for us. And now just the thought that you would be doing those things with someone or you would do those with someone freaks me out. Wedding dress, wedding ring, these things I wanted to give it to you. I imagine you with those. All the time I just feel that something happens, I don’t know what, and you come back to me. I will keep you happy. But when the fact sinks in that this is not going to happen, I feel like hurting myself badly.
I don’t have any motivation to stay here. I feel alone here. I don’t want money or wealth if I am not happy. I always wanted peace and happiness. That feeling I used to get when with you. Used to feel very protected with you. Used to think that yes I have you and that is more than enough. And now you are not there. It’s not like I don’t try. I try a lot to just put things behind and be happy. It is a fact that there would be thousands of people back in India who would be ready to give up anything for the life I am living but it just doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Yesterday, I was in a party and I was sitting in a group of four. But only thing on mind was you. Went to restroom and saw your pics. It is a strange feeling that in between the group of people, I feel alone and just feel connected with you from so far.
I can feel that it is not a bit easier for you as well. When you said that you feel guilty of cheating him when you talk to me, I felt so bad and just wonder from where this situation came. I never wanted to be away from you, not even for a single moment. Always a thought that what will you be doing at that particular moment. I know you are trying hard to get out of this and I also know that you will get out of this and even if any difficulty would be there, you won’t speak out and accept everything with smiling face. But my heart does not want you to keep you away.
I would be doing something and suddenly your talks come to my mind. You used to care a lot about me. If I don’t call you for sometime, you would feel low. You always wanted to sleep after listening my voice. It was that much deep and still this situation arose. Just thinking about your marriage day after a month, it feels that somebody has sucked life out of me. That smiling girl whom I love so much. That cute girl who was mine will not be mine any longer. I would not be able to gift anything to her. I would not be able to love that girl. I have to be away from her. It pains a lot.
Sometimes I try to act happy for the sake of your happiness, but I am not able to act that way because I know how happy I was with you. One thing I will tell you is that I am not able to imagine myself without you. I was seeing my future only with you. Not even for a single moment, I thought about living alone without you. Always used to think that yes there would be difficulties in getting together but we both will work out a way somehow and convince the families.
I will try my best not to talk emotional with you from tomorrow onwards. I don’t want you to feel unhappy about anything. I just want to feel you happy always but it’s just that by seeing you happy with someone else, I think about myself and become unhappy. But I will try to control.
God has never heard mine as he did not give me what I wanted. If possible you only ask for our togetherness in this lifetime. You mean a lot to me dear. You are something special for me and I always wanted to keep you like that. Now I will try to keep you like that always in my memories. I don’t care how much it hurts me because I feel like hurting me a lot but not to be away from you. Life will move on someday and maybe I would also have to move on. But this company of you will always be with me in my memories.
There used to be days when even after talking to my parents, I would not be happy but after talking to you, I would always will be happy. My heart always demanded to talk to you. You used to be in my thoughts even in between my games of Cricket. You were different for me dear and you still are. I know you want me to be happy after being away from you. I won’t be able to promise you but you just think that I am fine.
We both have to understand sweetheart. Its equally difficult for both of us just the ways are different. We need to think how to live now. And as I said, any decision taken in haste like we wont talk from tomorrow and all, would not work out for both of us. We would have to separate by staying together only. I don’t even understand these words and I don’t know how would it be possible but we have to work out together and find out a way out of this. We will talk tomorrow and discuss on this. We both have to trust each other.
I love you darling and will always do. Just that I would have to stop showing it any further and you have to stop accepting it from me. You have got someone who will love you and I may find someone whom I would be able to love. Honestly speaking, I feel bad when I think that there would come somebody else whom I would be loving. I did not want to love anyone else other than you. I know you would say that life is like this only but I am just saying what I am feeling. I don’t want to go away from you. May be I would have to get separated from you in such a way that you won’t be together with me but somehow I don’t want that separation from you in my heart. I just wanted one thing, to be able to love you. And now even that is being taken away from me, certainly it would feel difficult.
I very well know you dear that for the sake of your parent’s happiness, you will bear all this and live life they want you to live. I feel bad for the fact that you are not coming to me and going to him. But that is the fact and I have to accept it. Even you would be feeling that you are hurting me and going there. But you don’t have any options dear. Your parents have created the situation wherein you have to choose among my happiness or theirs. And unfortunately for me, you chose theirs. I won’t be happy with this fact. Yes, I would respect your decision and abide by it but just imagine how could I be happy by getting away from you. If you would have been in my place, even you would not have felt any better. Just think once in that way too.
I may move on some day by accepting this fact totally but I would never be happy with this sad fact.
Talk to you soon My Love.
Yours and only yours...
