I am Sunaina, that’s what my mom named me because, she said I had beautiful dove shaped eyes. They are half shielded with lids and so look drowsy and seductive. You would say that was a compliment but sometimes as in my case was a curse.
I was in my early teens when I had to attend one of these traditional family wedding, we usually like to avoid. My mom could not avoid this one because it was her dear cousin sister from her mother’s side of the family. She was also worried that if she avoided such gatherings, nobody will come to my marriage, whenever that was. Well, it was only a 24 hr ordeal, so we agreed to go.
So, me along with mom and dad went to attend this marriage in a small town in tamilnadu. It was a long ride by state bus and local travel bus to the exact location. We were welcomed like celebrities, atleast mom was, she was a favorite in the family, I guessed. They seem to have seen her after a long time. There were exchanges of hugs and kisses between women and appreciating smiles and nods from men. Then, abruptly their focus shifted to me, I was hiding behind my dad. There expressions initially scared me, seeing their awestruck faces. They all looked at me as a lost treasure found.
We were taken to a marriage hall where all others were waiting to meet us. People were all around the place, with lovely colorful silk saares, dresses and smell of flowers everywhere. I was hugged , kissed and welcomed by my aunts. I was introduced to many aunties and uncles, but I never followed anything said by mom and just nodded to every person introduced with a smile. The refreshments came as a rescue, as I was tired of travel and the sudden burst of people to welcome us.
By evening everybody were getting dressed up for a engagement. Mom got me a traditional silk skirt and top, braided my long hair with curls left around my ears. My big forehead shined brightly with a single jewellary along my partition in the hair. My eyes shown even brightly after the kajal, sparkling and wondering the chaos and merriment.
Aunts seem to be busy with some custom, uncles were busy watching their wives and other women chatting and giggling now and then. Few young men were busy gossiping in the corners and planning their after merriment.
Well, kids seem to enjoy the refreshment but I noticed two kids not enjoying much. They were staring at me from afar. It seemed they hated me for taking all the attention they got before. Later, mom told me that the two kids were Neeta and Ravi, my cousins, so nothing to worry according to her. But for me the nice warm welcomed affair is slowly becoming an uncomfortable one. Well, it turned into a nightmare after me being introduced to one maternal uncle, who was almost 15 yrs elder to me. Silly aunties and ammas teased him , when I was shown to him. I got a pang in my stomach when he squeezed my hand and winked at me. The maternal uncle thing was getting weird but others except my parents seem to be amused at the thought of me , being his bride in future. But to me it was unacceptable and unbearable thought.
He looked hungrily at me, whenever he saw me. At the dinning place, sitting place,whenever I would sit with mom and other women who were sitting, giggling and gossiping. When day faded to twilight, people bustled more. The ceremony was almost over now, but I felt haunted.
My two cousins didn’t seem to like me and were looking for a time where they would catch me alone. They stood staring at me now and gradually grew to whispering and giggling. I felt they had a plan and I was terrified. Neeta came along, brushed me and suddenly pulled my long plaited hair. She was jealous of my hair, I guess, that’s it. I thought, I can live with that much of bullying, that normal. But, at dinner, Neeta looked friendly and showed me a chair next to her. I accepted her invitation, and sat down and ate some starters. But she suddenly got up and ran away, when I tried the same, I felt stuck. My plait was pulled at the back rest of the chair with something sticky. I jerked and mom came to my rescue, my eyes were filled with tears by then. I ran into the room and mom followed me. I showed her my plait’s middle section, where it was all tangled. Mom could only help by cutting off my hair to that length. She always trimmed my hair neatly and now also she did it with grace. But, I didn’t like my hair cut short to my shoulder level, I hated myself with my eyes swollen with crying, I looked haunted. I felt more painful when mom just said nothing to the cousins, and brushed off the matter.
Now I looked different, but people seem to like my new look, more than my old one .As day faded and lights were lit, food and drinks were served, mostly men were drunk. It’s now that men are found in different shades and true colors. It’s my maternal uncle that was staring at me now, I was blushed with crying and sulking and he seem amused. I was famished, I wanted to eat so I went to the hall where dinner was being served. He was around me all the time, touching me, being helpful and playful. I started feeling stalked.
By sleep time people were looking out for places to sleep. The hall had only two rooms which were given to the bride and the groom. Others adjusted around places that were seperated by the pillars in the hall. But my dad was not a person to sleep wherever they say, so mom’s brother took us to the nearby relative’s house, where proper bedding was given. My dad was never in favor of consanguous marriages,so he was the feared one in the family. Few others followed us to share our comfort. These included my maternal uncle and his parents and two more aunties who came alone to attend the function. They wanted a refuge like me from the crowd.
I felt safe at first, but as night fell, my uncle seemed drugged with something, so to avoid the awkward situation, I went out. I sat on the portico of the house, where I found a cute little pup, whinning . He was stuck between two stone slabs covering the gutter below. I picked him up and placed in a safe place. He immediately became my friend who was really liking me for what I am from within than outwardly. He licked my hands and rubbed his head over my ankles as I was sitting on the steps of the portico. By then I heard my mom call and so I slowly slipped, Jackie into a gap under the step. Yes Jackie, that’s what I named him, my only friend .He was the only soothing friend compared to all other strangers around me.
My maternal uncle who was just an young boy to my parents and others was allowed to sleep with me and my rival cousins in the same room. He smiled victoriously. But I was not comfortable at all but more than that I was exhausted.
I slept immediately and was dreaming already. I heard no sounds though it was so noisy around me. Later, I dreamt someone smothering my hands in my dream and started sucking my lips.i felt numb and chill from within, immediately I woke up to see, When I opened my maternal uncle starring into my face, while I was asleep. He looked so hungry and satisfied at the same time. I jerked him and ran out looking for mom.
Mom was taking bath and I waited for her trembling with fear and shame to tell everything, but before I could open my mouth, she came out and pushed me into the bathroom to take bath and get ready for the function. She and dad were in a rush to finish their work, she did not notice my expression. They had no time to look closely. I scrubbed myself in bath because, I was feel something that I did not feel good about, i was almost in tears. I came out when mom called out. She was ready for me with a bright red traditional lehenga and choli. She combed my hair and pinned in the front with a shinning new accessory. I was looking so bridal myself in red outfit, that my blushed face looked more attractive to others. But within me, I was trembling with shock and confusion of what happened back there. I avoided him, his looks and smiles.
The bride may have wanted to her marriage function to go on for more time, but I wanted it to end as soon as possible. I wanted to run away to my own world of school and friends. I prayed for my release from this bondage of shame and fear.
Next day when we were travelling back home, I wanted to tell mom but, I did not, dont know why. When my teacher taught us in sex education class about different kind of touches and moves that we should be aware of, I wanted to tell, but, I did not.
Well, this little secret was always mine, but I out grew the guilt, I guess. My first kiss was a lesson, I did not want to learn and accept untill I met the right gentleman. Got married to him and felt the first kiss of love and respect, I always imagined. It took lot of time and courage to heal out of such experience but it made me cautious of men who are waiting to take advantage. I feel safe now and feel responsible for kids in any function. I look out for them.
Now, I realize that all of us live with our past, all of us allow to shape our future. But some of know how to shrug of the past…….i think that is who I am.
