Million Dollar Habits
By Brian Tracy
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction
You Are What You Do
Chapter-9
The Habits of Personal Effectiveness
Chapter-10
The Habits for Getting Along Well With Others
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to my three fine brothers- Robin, Dalmar and Paul –
each of them remarkable in his own way, each of them possessed of fine qualities,
buttressed by great habits, and destined for wonderful things.
INTRODUCTION
You Are What You Do
“Habit my friend, is practice long pursued, that at last becomes the man himself.” (Evenus)
Thank you for reading this book. In the pages ahead, you are going to learn a proven and practical series of strategies and techniques that you can use to achieve greater success and happiness in every area of your life. I am going to share with you the so-called “Secrets of Success” practiced by every person who ever achieves anything worthwhile in life. When you learn and practice them yourself, you will never be the same again.
The Great Question
Many years ago, I began asking the question, “Why are some people more successful than others?” This question became the focal point of a lifelong search, taking me to more than 80 countries and through many thousands of books and articles on the subjects of philosophy, psychology, religion, metaphysics, history, economics, and business. Over time, the answers came to me, one by one, and gradually crystallized into a clear picture and a simple explanation.
It is this: “You are where you are and what you are because of yourself. Everything you are today, or ever will be in the future, is up to you. Your life today is the sum total result of your choices, decisions and actions up to this point. You can create your own future by changing your behaviors. You can make new choices and decisions that are more consistent with the person you want to be and the things you want to accomplish with your life.”
Just think! Everything that you are or ever will be is up to you. And the only real limit on what you can be, do and have is the limit you place on your own imagination. You can take complete control of your destiny by taking complete control of your thoughts, words and actions from this day forward.
The Power of Habit
Perhaps the most important discovery in the fields of psychology and success is that fully 95% of everything that you think, feel, do and achieve is the result of habit. Beginning in childhood, you have developed a series of conditioned responses that lead you to react automatically and unthinkingly in almost every situation.
To put it simply, successful people have “success habits” and unsuccessful people do not. Successful, happy, healthy, prosperous men and women easily, automatically and consistently do and say the right things in the right way at the right time. As a result, they accomplish ten and twenty times as much as average people who have not yet learned these habits and practiced these behaviors.
The Definition of Success
Often people ask me to define the word “success.” My favorite definition is this: “Success is the ability to live your life the way you want to live it, doing what you most enjoy, surrounded by people who you admire and respect.”
In a larger sense, success is the ability to achieve your dreams, desires, hopes, wishes and goals in each of the important areas of your life.
Although each of us is unique and different from all other human beings who have ever lived, we all have four goals or desires in common. On a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, you can conduct a quick evaluation of your life by giving yourself a grade in each of these four areas.
Healthy and Fit
The first goal common to all of us is health and energy. We all want to be healthy and fit, to have high levels of energy and to live free of pain and illness. Today, with the incredible advances in medical science, the quality of our health and fitness, and our lifespan, is largely determined by design, not by chance. People with excellent health habits are far healthier, have more energy, and live longer and better than people who have poor health habits. We will look at these habits, and how we can develop them, later in this book.
Excellent Relationships
The second goal that we all have in common is to enjoy excellent relationships, intimate, personal or social, with the people we like and respect, and who like, love and respect us in turn. Fully 85% of your happiness will be determined by the quality of your relationships at each stage, and in each area, of your life. How well you get along with people, and how much they like, love and respect you, has more of an impact on the quality of your life than perhaps any other factor. Throughout this book, you will learn the key habits of communication and behavior that build and maintain great relationships with other people.
Do What You Love
The third goal that we all have in common is to do work that we enjoy, to do it well, and to be well paid for it. You want to be able to get and keep the job you want, to get paid more and promoted faster. You want to earn the very most that is possible for you at each stage of your career, whatever you do. In this book, you will learn how to develop the habits of the most successful and highest paid people in every field.
Achieve Financial Independence
The fourth goal we all have in common is to achieve financial independence. You want to reach the point in life where you have enough money so that you never have to worry about money again. You want to be completely free of financial worries. You want to be able to order dinner in a restaurant without looking at the right hand column to decide how hungry you are.
Developing “Million Dollar Habits”
In the pages ahead, you will learn how to develop the “Million Dollar Habits” of men and women who go from rags to riches in one generation. You will learn how to think more effectively, make better decisions, and take more effective actions than other people. You will learn how to organize your financial life in such a way that you achieve all your financial goals far faster than you can imagine today.
One of the most important goals you must achieve to be happy and successful in life is the development of your own character. You want to become an excellent person in every respect. You want to become the kind of person that others look up to and admire. You want to become a leader in your community, and a role model for personal excellence to all the people around you.
In each case, the decisive factors in the achievement of each of these goals that we all hold in common is the development of the specific habits that lead automatically and inevitably to the results that you want to achieve.
All Habits Are Learned
The good news about habits is that all habits are learned, as the result of practice and repetition. You can learn any habit that you consider either necessary or desirable. By using your willpower and discipline, you can shape your personality and character in almost any way you desire. You can write the script of your own life, and if you are not happy with the current script, you can rip it up and write it again.
Just as your good habits are responsible for most of your success and happiness today, your bad habits are responsible for most of your problems and frustrations. But since bad habits are learned as well, they can be unlearned and replaced with good habits by the same process of practice and repetition.
George Washington, the first President of the United States and the General in command of the Revolutionary Army, is rightly called “The Father of His Country.” He was admired, if not worshiped, for the quality of his character, his graciousness of manner, and his correctness of behavior.
But that is not the way George Washington started off in life. He came from a middle class family, with few advantages. One day, as a young man aspiring to succeed and prosper, he came across a little book entitled “The Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation.” As a teenage boy, he copied these 110 rules into a personal notebook. He carried it with him and reviewed them constantly throughout his life.
By practicing the “Rules of Civility,” he developed the habits of behavior and manners that led to him being considered “First in the hearts of his countrymen.” By deliberately practicing and repeating the habits that he most desired to make a part of his character, George Washington became in every respect a “self-made man.” He learned the habits he needed to learn to become the kind of man he wanted to become.
The First Millionaire
During the same period, Benjamin Franklin, who began as a printer’s apprentice and went on to become the first self-made millionaire in the American colonies, adapted a similar process of personal development.
As a young man, Benjamin Franklin felt that he was a little rough, ill mannered and argumentative. He recognized that his attitudes and behaviors were creating animosity toward him from his associates and coworkers. He resolved to change by rewriting the script of his own personality.
He began by making up a list of 12 virtues that he felt the ideal person would possess. He then concentrated on the development of one virtue each week. All week long, as he went about his daily affairs, he would remind himself to practice that virtue, whether it was temperance, tolerance or tranquility, on every occasion that it was called for. Over time, as he developed these virtues and made these habits a part of his character, he would practice one virtue for a period of two weeks, then three weeks, then one virtue per month.
Over time, he became one of the most popular personalities and statesmen of the age. He became enormously influential, both in Paris as an Ambassador from the United States during the Revolutionary War, and during the Constitutional Convention, when the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for the United States was debated, negotiated and agreed upon. By working on himself to develop the habits of an excellent person, he made himself into a person capable of shaping the course of history.
You Are in Complete Control
The fact is that good habits are hard to form, but easy to live with. Bad habits, on the other hand, are easy to form, but hard to live with. In either case, you develop either good or bad habits as the result of your choices, decisions and behaviors.
Horace Mann said, “Habits are like a cable. We weave a strand of it every day and soon it cannot be broken.”
One of your great goals in life should be to develop the habits that lead to health, happiness and true prosperity. Your aim should be to develop the habits of character that enable you to be the very best person that you can imagine yourself becoming. The high purpose of your life should be to ingrain within yourself the habits that enable you to fulfill your full potential.
In the pages ahead, you will learn how your habit patterns are developed, and how you can transform them in a positive way. You will learn how to become the kind of person who inevitably and relentlessly, like the waves of the ocean, moves onward and upward toward the accomplishment of every goal that you can set for yourself.
“We first make out habits, and then our habits make us.” (John Dryden)
CHAPTER 9
The Habits of Personal Effectiveness
“The man who succeeds above his fellows is the one who early in life clearly discerns his object, and towards that object habitually directs his powers.” (Edward George Bulwer-Lytton)
Abraham Maslow, the transpersonal psychologist, once wrote, “The ultimate end of human life is to become everything you are capable of becoming.” Your purpose should be to fulfill your potential as a human being and to accomplish every goal that you can possibly set for yourself. Your aim should be to get the very most out of yourself in every area of your life.
There are some people who accomplish an extraordinary amount with their lives, as opposed to the great majority who accomplish very little. These peak performers or self-actualizers seem to earn more money, have better families, friends and relationships, enjoy higher levels of health and energy, achieve much higher levels of success, esteem and prestige in their fields, and live longer, happier lives than the average. This should be your goal as well.
The Determinant of High Performance
The only difference between the high performers and the low performers is their habits. High performing, successful, happy men and women are those who have taken the time and disciplined themselves to develop the habits that lead them onward and upward in every area of their lives. Unsuccessful, unhappy people, on the other hand, are those who have not yet developed those habits.
The good news is that all habits have been learned, and are therefore learnable. You can learn whatever habits and behaviors you consider desirable and necessary. The only limits are the limits your place on yourself. The question is always, “How badly do you want it?”
If you are willing to work on yourself long enough and hard enough, you can form and shape yourself into the kind of excellent person that you are designed to be. No matter what you have done or not done in the past, at any time, you can draw a line under your previous life and make the decision that your future is going to be different. You can begin thinking different thoughts, making different choices and decisions, taking different actions, and developing different habits that will lead you inevitably to the successes that are possible for you.
Personal Strategic Planning
The purpose of strategic planning in a business is to increase “return on equity” or R.O.E. It is to improve the financial results of the business over what they would have been in the absence of the new strategy. In the same way, the purpose of personal strategic planning is to increase R.O.E., or “return on energy.” It is to increase your “return on life.”
The aim is for you to organize and reorganize your life in such a way that you are earning the highest returns on your mental, emotional and physical equity invested in your life. Your goal is to organize yourself and use your time to achieve the greatest amount of pleasure, satisfaction and rewards from everything you do, every hour and every day. And this is very much under your own personal control.
The first habit therefore that you must develop to insure a great life is the habit of personal strategic planning. You invest the time and effort to think through and plan out your life, in advance, to assure that you get the very most that is possible for you in every area.
With personal strategic planning, you develop the habits of future orientation and long-time perspective. These habits enable you to project forward in your life several years and determine exactly what it is that you want to accomplish and where it is that you want to end up at a specific time in the future.
Think Long Term
The greater clarity that you have regarding your long-term goals, the better and more accurate decisions you will make in the short-term to assure that you achieve your goals on schedule. For example, if you decide that you are going to be a selfmade millionaire 10 to 20 years from now, you set that as your long-term financial goal. You then assess your current situation, and determine how much you are worth today. You draw a line from where you are today to where you want to be at a certain date in the future. You then plan out a strategy or roadmap of exactly how you are going to get to your goal of financial independence in the time that you have allotted.
The rule is this: be clear about the goal but be flexible about the process. Be open to the fact that a thousand things will change on the road to your long-term goal. As long as your goal is clear, you can continue to remain flexible and openminded. You can reevaluate and try different things. You can accept feedback and self-correct. You can go over, around and through obstacles, and even change and go in a completely different direction. This is the normal and natural process of getting from wherever you are to any long-term goal.
Review Your Goals Daily
Develop the habit of regular goal setting. As I suggested earlier, get a spiral notebook and rewrite your current goals every morning before you start out, in the present tense, as though they were already realities, This exercise programs your goals deeper and deeper into your subconscious mind, and causes all kinds of remarkable things to happen that move you toward your goals, sometimes by the most remarkable of coincidences.
The habit of daily goal setting seems to act like a turbocharger on your potential, moving you more rapidly toward your goals than you ever thought possible. When you practice this technique for thirty days, your entire life will change in a very positive way. One month from now, you will be amazed at what has happened to you.
The Ten Goal Exercise
Here is my favorite exercise in personal strategic planning. It launches the whole process of goal setting and leads to remarkable results. Wherever I go in the world, in 24 countries, I give this exercise to my seminar participants: “Take out a sheet of paper, write down 10 goals for the next year in the present tense, and then put it away, like a Christmas wish list.”
When I return to those cities and countries, I meet people who have taken this advice. They come up to me at my seminars all over the world, to tell me that this simple exercise of writing down their ten goals just once has changed their lives. They have often put the list away and not looked at it for a year. When they take it out several months or a year later, they are amazed at how many of their goals have been achieved in that time period.
Writing your goals down just once programs them into your subconscious mind and activates your superconscious faculties. Writing and rewriting them each day is even more powerful. When you write down your goals every single day, you get 10x, 20x, 50x and even 100 times the impact of writing them down one time. Your mind will be stimulated into producing incredible ideas to help you achieve them. You will activate the Law of Attraction and begin attracting people, circumstances, ideas and resources into your life that help you, in the most remarkable ways.
By the Law of Correspondence, your outer world will start to become a reflection of your inner world. Without even trying, you will begin thinking about your goals most of the time. The more you think about your goals, the faster you will move toward them, and the faster they will move toward you. Your whole life will change for the better. Only about three percent of adults have written goals and plans, and they seem to accomplish more than all the others put together.
Think On Paper
One of the most important habits that you can develop to increase your return on energy is the habit of thinking on paper. Always have a pen in hand when you think, plan and organize. Writing things down clarifies your thinking and crystallizes your ideas.
There is something miraculous that happens between the head and the hand. The very act of writing something down activates your visual, auditory and kinesthetic senses. You see it, you sub-vocalize it, or say it to yourself, and you physically write out the words. These three modalities in combination seem to impress what you are writing deeper and deeper into your subconscious mind. This has an evergreater impact on your thinking, feeling and behavior afterwards. All successful people think on paper. All failures do not.
Start Each Day With A List
Develop the habit of beginning each day with a list of everything you have to do that day. The very best time to make out your daily list is the night before, at the end of the working day. This allows your subconscious mind to work on your list of activities all night long while you are sleeping. Often you will wake up in the morning with insights and ideas, and answers to your problems, as a result of programming this list into your mind before you sent to sleep.
Develop the habit of setting clear priorities on your list before you begin work. Instead of hurling yourself at the day, like a dog chasing after a passing car, take a few minutes to organize your list. Determine the tasks and activities that will give you the highest return on energy for the amount of time you invest.
Five Questions to Keep Yourself Focused
Here are five questions that you can ask over and over again until they become a habit, guiding you to always using your time at the very highest level.
First, develop the habit of asking, “Why am I on the payroll?” What have I been hired to accomplish? What specific measurable results are expected of me at my work? If I were trying to explain to someone else why they pay me money at my job, what reasons would I give?
Most people fall into the habit of thinking that, because they are at work, they are working. They confuse activities with accomplishments. They are often busy all day doing more and more things of lesser and lesser importance. At the end of the day, they claim to be exhausted or stressed out, but they have accomplished very little. They fail to ask themselves, “Why am I on the payroll?”
Second, develop the habit of asking, “What are my highest value activities?” What are the most important things that you do each day in your work? If you were to take a list of all of your activities, tasks and potential results to your boss, and ask your boss to select the three most important things you do, what would he tell you?
If you are your own boss, remember that there are usually three tasks or activities that account for 90% or more of the value that you contribute to your work or business. Almost everything else you do is a support activity for those three tasks. Most of your activities are tasks you think you need to do, in order to do the things for which you are actually paid, and which have the highest value. What are the three most valuable things you do in your work?
You And Only You?
Third, develop the habit of asking the question, “What can I, and only I do, that if done well, will make a real difference?” The answer to this question is something that you and only you can do. If you don’t do it, it will not be done by someone else. But if you do it, and you do it well, it can make the greatest single contribution to your work and to your company at that moment. What is it?
Fourth, develop the habit of asking this question, “If I could only do one thing all day long, what one thing do I do that contributes the greatest value to my company?” If you were to list everything that you do on a piece of paper, you would find that there is one task that, if you did it consistently well, repeatedly, over and over, all day long, this one task would contribute more value than any of your other tasks, or all of your other tasks put together.
What one task or activity, which is the highest use of your talents and abilities, if you could do it all day long, would contribute the very most to your work and your life? How could you organize your time and your work so that you are focusing more and more on this single task?
One of the most important keys to personal effectiveness is for you to develop the habit of spending more time, and becoming more skilled, at those few activities that contribute the greatest value to your work. Everything else you do is usually of lower value than these essential tasks.
Your Highest and Best Use of Time
Perhaps the most important habit you can develop in personal management is the habit of asking, “What is the most valuable use of my time, right now?” There is always an answer to this question, for every minute and every hour. Your ability to accurately ask and answer this question is the key to high performance, maximum productivity, personal effectiveness and great success.
In its simplest terms, people succeed because they develop the habit of consistently working on the one thing that can give them the highest rate of return on energy, and life, out of all the things they could possibly be doing at the moment. People fail because they are unable or unwilling to determine their true priorities, or they are not then disciplined enough to work on their key tasks exclusively until they are complete.
Double Your Income, Double Your Time Off
In my Advanced Coaching and Mentoring Programs, I promise my clients that they will learn how to double their incomes and double their time off over the course of the 12-month program. Recently, at the second session of the program, 90 days after the first session, Joanne stood up and told the group her story.
“Three months ago, when I first attended this program, I told Brian privately that I did not believe that it was possible for me to double my income and double my time off. My situation was that I have been working for an entrepreneurial business for eight years, putting in 10-12 hours per day, five and six days per week. I was not spending enough time with my husband and my two children and this was causing me an enormous amount of stress. But I saw no way out.”
“Brian told me to make a list of all the things that I do in my work over the course of a month. I came up with 16 items. Without looking at the list, Brian told me to ask the key question, “If you could only do one thing on your list, all day long, which one activity would contribute the greatest value to your company?’”
I quickly identified the one thing that I do that seems to contribute the greatest value. He then asked me to identify items number two and three, asking the same question. Then, again without looking at the list, he said that those three items would account for 90% or more of all the value I contribute to my company. Everything else could be delegated or outsourced to other people. As I reviewed the list, I saw that he was right.”
“The next Monday morning at 10:00 am, I sat down with my boss and I told him about the analysis I had done on my work. I told him that I needed his help to delegate, outsource or eliminate the 13 items on my list of low value so that I could spend all my time working on the top three items. If I could focus on these three tasks, I told him, I believed that I could double my productivity and my value to the company. And if I was successful, and doubled my value, I would like to be paid twice as much.”
“My boss looked at the list and then looked up at me. ‘You are absolutely right,’ he said. ‘I’ll help you delegate and outsource all these low-level tasks to free you up to work on your three top tasks. They are the things you do that make the greatest difference around here.’”
Joanne went onto say, “The bottom line is that he did, and then I did. Within 30 days, I had cut my workweek down to 8 hours per day, five days per week, and I was producing more than twice as much as I ever had before. My income doubled and my time with my family doubled as well. It was an absolutely amazing process.”
Get Control of Your Time and Your Life
One of the habits of personal management is for you to continually focus on those few things that only you can do, that if done well, will make a real difference at work. Simultaneously, you must be continually using your creativity, not to find ways to do more things, but to find ways to eliminate, down-size and outsource tasks that contribute very little to your life or work.
The fact is that you can only get control over your time and your life, and increase your productivity, performance and output, to the degree to which you stop doing things of low value. This is the only way that you can free up more time to do those few things that really make a difference.
Develop the habit of continually questioning every task and asking:
Does this task have to be done at all? Does this task have to be done by me? Does this task have to be done now? Is there anyone else who can do this task almost as well as I can?”
Whenever possible, delegate or outsource the task to someone else so that you can focus on the few things that only you can do that will really make a valuable contribution to your work.
Practice the ABCDE Method
In setting priorities so that you can increase your return on energy, develop the habit of applying the ABCDE Method to your work list each day before you begin. In using this method, develop the habit of thinking through the possible consequences of doing or not doing a particular task. A task for which there are serious potential consequences is a high priority task. A task for which there are very few consequences is a low priority task. The measure of consequences is the key determinant of whether or not it is something that you should do now, later or not at all.
Review your list of activities and place an ABCD or E next to each one.
An “A” task is something that you must do. There are serious consequences for doing it or not doing it. Completion of this task is essential to your success in your work or personal life. Identify all the “A” tasks on your list. If you have more than one “A” task, organize them by priority as A-1, A-2, A-3, and so on.
A “B” task is something that you should do. It needs to be done at some time. If you do not do this task, someone will be inconvenienced or unhappy, but there are only mild consequences for completion or non-completion. The rule is that you should never do a “B” task when an “A” task is still left undone.
A “C” task is something that would be nice to do, but which has no consequences at all, to you or anyone else. In other words, it doesn’t really matter if the task is done or not. You should never do a “C” task when you have a “B” task left undone, just as you should never do a “B” task if you have an “A” task undone.
A “D” task is something that you can and should delegate to others. The rule is that you should develop the habit of delegating everything that can possibly be done by others, in order to free up more of your time for the few things that only you can do.
An “E” task is something that you can and should eliminate as quickly as possible. You can only get control over your time to the degree to which you eliminate everything of low value and no value so that you can focus on just those things that really make a difference in your life and work.
Your most powerful tool for success is your ability to think. Nowhere is this ability more important than when you use it to choose and decide what you are going to do, and in what order. The accuracy of your choices in deciding how you are going to spend your time and your life largely determines everything that happens to you. And you are always free to choose.
Practice the Pareto Principle
Develop the habit of applying the 80/20 Rule to everything you do. This rule, first discovered by Vilfredo Pareto in 1895, says that 80% of the value of what you do will be determined by 20% of your activities in that area.
This means that 20% of your prospects will turn into 80% of your customers. 20% of your customers will buy 80% of your products or services. 20% of your products or services will account for 80% of your profits. This rule also means that 20% of your customers will account for 80% of your problems and expenses, as well.
In any list of ten items, two of those items will be worth all the others put together. Make a habit of applying the 80/20 Rule to every part of your business and personal life. Keep focused on doing the 20% of items or tasks that are worth several times the value of the other tasks, but which take the same amount of time.
Most people allocate their time across the number of items they have to do. But highly productive people allocate their times based on the value of each task or activity. You should do the same.
Overcome Procrastination
One of the most important personal management habits you can develop is the habit of overcoming procrastination and getting your most important job done first. In my book, Eat That Frog! , which has become a worldwide best seller, I explain a proven, practical process you can learn to organize your time and your life, select your most important task, begin on that task and work on it singlemindedly until it is complete.
One of the principles I teach is based on the fact that you become what you think about most of the time. You also become what you say to yourself most of the time. Whenever you find yourself procrastinating, you repeat to yourself, firmly and emphatically, the words “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” These words seem to get you refocused and stimulate you back into working on your key task.
The more you discipline yourself to concentrate single mindedly on your most important task, and stay with it, until it is done, the more energy you have. Each time you complete an important task, your brain releases a hormone called a Beta endorphin. This is often referred to as nature’s “happy drug.” Each time your brain releases endorphins, you feel happy, exhilarated, motivated, positive and enthusiastic. Endorphins make you feel more positive, creative and confident. Each time you complete an important task, you get an endorphin rush, which stimulates and motivates you into doing even more.
Getting the Job Done Completely
Developing the habit of starting on your most important task and staying with it until it is 100% complete is a great time saver, as well. Stretching out a task and working on it piecemeal is a great time waster. Let me explain.
Each task has three parts: first, you warm up and get ready; second, you work on the task, and third, you wind down and put things away. Each time you stop and start a task without completing it, you have to go through a warm up and a warm down period that eventually leads to your spending as much as 500% of the necessary time to do the task if you were to stay with it until completion.
Develop the habit of disciplining yourself to complete your tasks, whatever they are. Not only will you get more done, but task completion gives you the motivation and energy you need to accomplish even more.
Single minded concentration on one thing, the most important thing, is one of the most powerful habits you can develop for personal productivity.
The Personal Productivity Formula
There is a productivity formula, like a recipe, that you can learn and practice until it becomes automatic and easy. When you develop the habit of thinking in terms of these seven key ways to increase your output, you can double your productivity, performance and results in no time at all. Here it is.
First, develop the habit of working longer and harder than other people, as I mentioned earlier in this book. Start a little earlier, work a little harder and stay a little later. Work all the time you work. When you start work, don’t fool around. Get busy and stay busy all day long. This habit alone can increase your productivity 50% to 100% from the first day.
Second, develop the habit of working faster and getting the job done quickly. Pick up the pace. Move more rapidly from place to place and from task to task. Develop a sense of urgency, a bias for action. Become known as the person who gets things done quickly rather than a person who gets things done when he or she gets around to them.
Third, develop the habit of doing more important things, as we have discussed throughout this chapter. Remember, every single thing you do has a value that makes it more or less important than every other thing you do. The Law of the Excluded Alternative says that “doing one thing means not doing something else.” Make sure that, whatever you are doing at the moment is the most important thing you can be doing. Otherwise, you will end up putting more important tasks aside.
The sad fact is that, even if you do an unimportant task extraordinarily well, it will have no impact on your career. In fact, spending too much time doing a good job on something of low priority or value can actually damage your career because it keeps you from working on something that really matters. As Benjamin Tregoe once wrote, “The very worst use of time is to do well what need not be done at all.”
Do More of The Things You Do Best
Fourth, develop the habit of working on those things you are better at. There are special talents and skills that you have, that you have developed throughout your career, that enable you to do certain things quickly and well. You make fewer mistakes and therefore save an enormous amount of time in going back and making corrections. The more time you spend doing things you are better at, the better you get at those tasks and activities, and the more of them that you get done in a shorter period of time.
Earlier in my career, I was a copywriter for a large advertising agency. When I decided to get into copywriting, I went to the public library and checked out every book they had on the subject. I read, studied, and practiced writing advertising copy hour after hour, long into the night. When I got finally a job in the field, I wrote and rewrote advertising copy eight to ten hours every day, five days a week, under the close supervision of a senior copywriter.
Today, I can write advertising copy that is clear, impactful and effective as quickly and as easily as the average person can change the television with a remote control.
In my company, I can write excellent copy for our advertisements and brochures faster than anyone else. The same work might take other people many hours to do, at a lower level of quality.
What tasks are you the very best at doing in your work? How could you organize your work so that you are doing more and more of them at a higher level?
Use the Learning Curve
Fifth, develop the habit of bunching your tasks. Take advantage of the learning curve. This principle says that, the more similar tasks you do, one after the other, the faster you will complete each subsequent task, and at the same or higher level of quality.
For example, dictate all of your letters at once. Write all of your business proposals at once. Clear up all your correspondence, or assemble all of your expenses at the same time. Write all your reports at once. Do all your telephone prospecting at the same time.
Efficiency experts calculate that if you have ten similar tasks to do, and you do them all at once, one after the other, by the time you get to the tenth task, you will be working so efficiently that it will be taking you only 20% of the time that it took you to do the first item on the list. Bunching your tasks is a powerful personal productivity habit.
Commit to Continuous Personal Improvement
Sixth, develop the habit of continuously improving and getting better at your key tasks. This is one of the most effective time management principles of all. The better you become at what you do, the more of it you can get done in a shorter period of time. Sometimes, improving in one essential skill can have a multiplier effect, increasing your productivity and performance in many other areas of your work.
For example, if you do not know how to type with a keyboard, you will use the “hunt and peck method.” You will type with two fingers, and no matter how long you work at the keyboard, you will only be able to type five to eight words per minute.
However, if you decide to learn to touch-type, you could get any one of several popular touch-typing computer programs, practice 20 to 30 minutes each day, and within 90 days you will be touch-typing at 50 to 80 words per minute. You will have increased your productivity, performance and output in typing by 1000%. You will have opened up the entire world of the Internet to you by the development of a single skill, which is learnable by anyone.
What one skill could you develop that could help you to use more of your other skills at a higher level? If you could be absolutely excellent in any single skill, which one skill would have the greatest positive impact on your career and your income? What can you do, starting today, to develop that skill? Whatever it is, set it as a goal, make a plan and then work on improving yourself in that area every day until you have mastered the skill and made it part of your personal skill set.
Proper Prior Preparation
To get the most out of yourself and your life, and to increase your return on the investment of your time, you should develop the habit of preparing thoroughly for every meeting and interview, both inside your company and with people on the outside. Thorough preparation takes a little time at the beginning, but can lead to tremendous savings of time later on.
Customers always know when a salesperson is thoroughly prepared. Juries always know when the lawyer is thoroughly prepared. Prospective employers always know when the applicant is thoroughly prepared. Make it a habit to do your homework and get all of your ducks in a row prior to any meeting of importance or significance. Sometimes, the element of preparation is the critical factor that enables you to impress everyone present, and achieve great success.
The Value of Preparation
Some time ago, I was asked by the executive vice president of a large company to attend the annual business meeting and lead the group through a strategic planning exercise. As it turned out, this company had a very head strong and dominating president who took over every discussion of strategy and dominated it, taking little or no input from the other executives present. As a result, people were demoralized and the company was floundering in the marketplace.
I was to be introduced as a “surprise” to the president and the team of senior executives. If I was not successful, the consequences for the company could be serious. I therefore asked them to send me the outlines and agendas from their previous executive committee meetings. I received about 200 pages of notes and observations that had been typed up and distributed over the previous year. The amount of information was almost overwhelming.
Nonetheless, I was determined to do a good job. I sat down and spent 12 solid hours reading, reviewing and taking notes from the discussions that had taken place in the past. I noticed that the president was continually quoting Peter Drucker and Tom Peters to make his points. As it happened, I was intimately familiar with the work of both of these management experts.
When the meeting began, everyone took his or her places around a large U shaped table. The executive vice president who had brought me in stood up and introduced me and told everyone, including the president, that he had invited me in to facilitate the discussion. Everyone looked at each other and at the president, and then back to me. The room was full of tension.
The Moment of Truth
I stood up and thanked them for inviting me. I told them that I had carefully studied the notes of their proceedings and discussions for the previous year. I addressed each of the key executives by name, having taken the time to memorize the names and their backgrounds prior to the meeting. Finally, I looked right at the president, who was standing up now, ready to intervene and told him “I have always been a big fan of Peter Drucker and Tom Peters.”
The president stopped where he stood and looked at me with amazement. I then quickly mentioned several books from each writer that I had read and studied thoroughly. There was silence in the room while everyone waited for the president to react. He sat back down in his chair and said, “Great! You take over the meeting.”
The outcome of that session, and subsequent sessions, was very productive. We accomplished an enormous amount and achieved tremendous success in formulating a new strategic plan. The tension and stress that had been disrupting the group disappeared. Everyone became happy and relaxed. The entire group became highly cohesive and productive. Afterwards, a couple of the executives came up to me and said, “You probably saved this company.”
Preparation was the key. Whenever I think of the amount of time and effort that is necessary to prepare for any speech, seminar, meeting or strategic planning session, I remind myself of that experience.
No Such Word
Not long ago, I was preparing to give testimony in a large lawsuit in Los Angeles. I met with the senior trial lawyer for several hours. At the end, he turned over a box full of materials to me and said, “I hope you will have a chance to read through this material before you testify.”
I replied, “I always believe in preparing thoroughly for every important meeting. In fact, I believe in over preparing.”
He looked me straight in the eye and smiled, and said, “I do not believe there is such a word.”
I learned later that he was one of the most skilled and highest paid lawyers in the United States. In that one case alone, he went on to save his client more than $300 million dollars as the result of his commitment to not only preparing, but to “over preparing.” You should do the same.
The wonderful advantage of developing the habit of thorough preparation, and doing your homework prior to every meeting, is that it gives you a tremendous sense of confidence and competence when you go in. It gives you a psychological edge that enables you to perform at your best. It often wins you great business and personal victories that change the whole direction of your life.
Be On Time Every Time
Another important habit for you to develop is the habit of punctuality. Less than five percent of people are punctual every single time. And everybody knows who they are. They stand out. They are admired and respected by others. Opportunities open up for them. They are considered to be more valuable and more competent than others simply as the result of habitual punctuality.
Vince Lombardi, when he took over the Green Bay Packers, found that the players often arrived at the bus after the scheduled time of departure. He therefore initiated what he called “Lombardi Time.” This was 15 minutes before the scheduled time. From that day forward, if the bus was leaving at 10:00am, everyone was expected to be on the bus by 9:45 am. If they weren’t, the bus left without them. This only had to happen once for the players to get the message.
Remember, anything that you do repeatedly, over and over, soon becomes a new habit. Resolve that, “Just for today, I am going to be punctual for every meeting.” Don’t try to change your whole life at one time. Live in what Dale Carnegie called “water tight compartments.” Focus on changing one behavior at a time, one day at a time, until it locks in and becomes permanent.
With punctuality, resolve to be punctual to your very next appointment or meeting. Then, resolve to be punctual for the next meeting as well. Do this, one meeting or event after another until it begins to become automatic and easy. In no time at all, you will have developed the habit of punctuality. Other aspects of your life will seem to change and improve at the same time.
Determine Your Limiting Factor
An important key to personal productivity is for you to develop the habit of determining the constraint that sets the speed on the achievement of a particular goal in any area of your life. Begin by identifying a goal that you want to achieve. This can be a financial, personal, or health goal. You then ask, “What factor sets the speed at which I achieve this goal?”
For example, if you want to increase your sales, the constraint or bottleneck on increasing your sales could be the number of prospects that you talk to each day. If this is your key constraint, focus all your creativity and energy on alleviating this constraint. Focus on organizing your time and activities so that you increase the number of people that you see each business day.
In your business, your goal can be the attainment of a particular financial result. What sets the speed at which you achieve it? It is essential that you identify the correct constraint before you focus on alleviating it. Jim Collins, in his book Good To Great, points out how important it is for you to identify the correct “economic denominator” in your business. This is the critical number that determines the success or failure of a particular activity, or of your entire enterprise.
For example, your limiting factor in increasing your sales might not be the number of prospects that you speak to, but the quality of each of those prospects. By applying the four marketing principles we discussed earlier, you could identify prospects who have a far higher likelihood of buying sooner than other prospects.
Perhaps it is your basic sales skills that are at issue. Perhaps the critical constraint on increasing your sales revolves around your ability to make an effective sales presentation and to get the customer to take action. If this were the answer, the solution would be for you to focus your creativity and energy on upgrading your sales skills, rather than frantically flailing around to get in front of more people.
Doubling the Number of Purchases
The best restaurants have identified the critical constraint to business growth. It is not the amount of food or drink that each person consumes. This is largely fixed. No matter how artful the marketing or how polite the waiter, people are not going to eat or drink much more than they already do.
Instead, the critical constraint in business growth for a restaurant, and for many other businesses, is how often customers return to the restaurant in the course of the year. One of my restaurant clients found that the average guest was visiting the restaurant every two months. They then designed a program of customer service and satisfaction that was so effective that people began visiting the restaurant more often. First they came an average of every six weeks, then every four weeks.
By using this strategy, they were able to double and triple the sales and profitability of their restaurants without the expensive advertising that would be necessary to attract new diners to the restaurant in the first place. Repeat business was the key to greater success, rather than new business.
Look Into Yourself
Look at your own life and work. Ask yourself, “What are the factors that determine how rapidly I achieve my most important goals?”
The 80/20 Rule seems to apply to the subject of constraints in a special way. You will find that fully 80% of the constraints or limitations that are holding you back from achieving your goal are within yourself, not in the world around you. They are contained on your own attitudes, beliefs, fears, or lack of a particular skill or quality. Only 20% of your constraints are external to you or to your business.
Develop the habit of looking into yourself for the solutions to your problems. Ask this question, “What is it in me that is holding me back from achieving this goal?”
What could it be? Whatever it is, identify it clearly, set a goal to overcome the limitation, or develop the habit, and then take action on it every day until you are successful. As the Roman philosopher Herodotus wrote, “When a man’s fight begins with himself, then he is really worth something.”
Change Your Thinking About Time
When I was a young man, I would read an occasional book or article on time management. At that time, I had the idea that my life was like the sun and time management was like one of the planets that orbited around my life. The great change for me came when I realized that time management was the sun of my life, and everything else that happens to me are like planets that are in orbit around the way I use my time. This insight had a profound influence on my life and work.
The rule is that, “If you improve the quality of your time management, you improve the quality of your life.”
Make it a habit to read in time management on a regular basis. Make it a habit to listen to audio programs on time management and to use a good time planner or palm pilot. Make it a habit to attend at least one time management program or seminar each year.
The fact is that you cannot become “too good” at time management. Every single method, technique or strategy that you learn, apply, and develop into a habit, will have an immediate positive effect on your life. When you develop a set of time and personal management habits that become automatic and easy for you, from morning to night, you will double, triple and even increase your productivity, performance, output and income by five and ten times. You will put your career onto the fast track in life. You will get more and more done, in less and less time, at a higher and higher level, and earn more and more money.
Great success in whatever field you choose is simply a matter of developing the habits that are consistent with the achievement of extraordinary results. And all habits are learnable.
Action Exercises:
Begin each day by rewriting your goals, in the present tense, in a spiral notebook; this programs them into your subconscious mind.
Plan each day in advance, preferably the night before, by making a list of everything you have to do.
Organize your daily work list by priority, using the 80/20 Rule, or the ABCDE Method, or both.
Overcome procrastination by starting in first thing on your most important and valuable task.
Practice single handling on each task, disciplining yourself to work at it nonstop until it is complete.
Resolve to be punctual for every appointment, and to complete every task before the promised deadline.
Prepare thoroughly for every important meeting; do your homework in advance so that you are always ready for anything that happens.
“I could never have done what I have done without the habits of punctuality, order and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one subject at a time.”(Charles Dickens)
CHAPTER 10
The Habits for Getting Along Well With Others
“For true love is inexhaustible: the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
Fully 85% of your happiness in life is going to come from your relationships with other people. As Aristotle said, “Human beings are social creatures.” We live within the context of the people in our lives. How well we get along with them, and they with us, largely determines the quality of everything that happens to us.
Your most important goal in life is to assure your own happiness. If you do not place your own happiness as the central organizing principle of your own life, no one else will do it for you. Each person is intensely focused on doing the things that make him or her happy. As much as we care about the happiness of others, in a natural, automatic and instinctive way, our happiness always seems to take precedence over that of anyone else’s.
You Can Only Give Away Something You Have
Often, unhappy people say that they are sacrificing their own happiness so that they can make others happy. But the rule is that, “You cannot give away what you don’t have. You cannot make other people happy if you are unhappy yourself.”
If you want to have happy children, be a happy parent. If you want happy employees and coworkers, be a happy boss and colleague. If you want to have happy customers, be a happy salesperson. If you want to improve the quality of the life of anyone else, begin by improving the quality of your own inner life.
Make Others Feel Important
In one of the 1001 Tales of the Arabian Nights, there was the story of a treasure cave that could only be opened if the person said the magic words, “Open Sesame!” At that sound, the vast wall would move aside and unlimited treasures would be revealed and available to the person who had uttered the magic words.
In putting people first, the “Open Sesame!” of human relationships is to “make others feel important.” Making others feel important satisfies the deepest subconscious cravings of human nature. Everything you do or fail to do can be judged against this standard. Does it make people feel more important or less important? That is the question.
Sometimes I ask my audiences, “What percentage of the time are people emotional, and what percentage of the time are people logical?” They respond with various answers and proportions. But the true answer is that people are 100% emotional. People decide emotionally and then justify logically. But emotion comes first.
With regard to your emotions, the rule is once more that, “Everything counts!” Everything that happens in your life affects you emotionally in some way.
Everything that affects you makes you happy or sad, motivated or de-motivated, loving or angry, fearful or confident. Nothing is neutral.
Fearless and Spontaneous
In Chapter One, we talked about the fact that infants come into the world with no fears at all. They are completely unafraid and spontaneous. Almost every fear that a person has as an adult is taught to them as a child, primarily as the result of destructive criticism, physical punishment, or the withholding of love.
Very early in life, we begin to develop the fears of failure and criticism. These negative habit patterns then become the root causes of all of our other fears, doubts and misgivings.
Our parents start the core fears that affect us throughout our lives, those of failure, loss, ridicule, embarrassment, ill health and death, when they use a combination of destructive criticism and disapproval to manipulate and control our behaviors. We interpret this treatment as the withdrawal of love. Since this loss of love is so traumatic for us, we lose our fearlessness and spontaneity and instead conform to what we think they want so we will be safe.
Because our minds and emotions are largely unformed at an early age, we are easily susceptible to the negative influences of the important people in our lives. When they punish us, criticize us or say negative things to us or about us, we accept their statements as true and valid assessments of the persons we really are inside. We have no ability to discriminate, question or reject their words and their treatment of us.
As adults, we continue to have doubts, fears and misgivings that are rooted in early childhood experience. No matter how much we accomplish later on in life, we are l subject to those negative habit patterns that were programmed into us when we were young. Almost any negative experience can trigger the old negative emotions, like habits that have slipped into our subconscious minds, never really disappearing.
Become A Relationship Expert
On the other hand, because we are primarily emotional, we are positively affected by people who say and do things that make us feel important and valuable. Everything that a person does or says that raises our self-esteem and feelings of personal value causes us to like and respect ourselves more, makes us feel happier about ourselves. As a result, we feel positive toward the person who is saying and doing the things that make us feel better about ourselves.
Your job is to become a “relationship expert” by developing the habits of speaking and acting that make people feel important and valuable. When you develop the habit of doing and saying the things that cause people to feel good about themselves, their lives, their work and families, all kinds of doors will open up for you. You will be welcomed everywhere you go. People will like you and respect you and want to be around you. They will want to hire you and promote you, and work for you and buy from you. They will accept your influence and leadership and give you power and position in your work and in your community.
The good news is that, “Everything you do or say that causes another person to feel better in any way also causes you to feel better to the same degree.” When you motivate, encourage or inspire someone else, you feel motivated, encouraged and inspired yourself. Everything you do to raise the self-esteem of others raises your self-esteem as well.
As it happens, the reverse is also true. Everything that you do or say that hurts another person, makes them feel less important, or lowers their self-esteem, also has the same effect on you. This is why negative people always seem to be angry and unhappy. They suffer from low self-esteem. They have negative self-images. They are frustrated and difficult to get along with. They are ineffective in their human relations and usually poor at their work. Everything that they do or say that hurts another person in any way also hurts themselves.
Practice The Golden Rule
The starting point of becoming a relationship expert is to develop the habit of practicing the golden rule in everything you do, and with everyone you meet. The golden rule, which is the one principle that all religions have in common, says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
In Buddhism it says, “Do not do unto others what is hateful to yourself.” This principle is so simple, yet so powerful, that if everyone were to apply it, the world would transform overnight.
The Dutch philosopher Emmanuel Kant once propounded what he called the “Universal Maxim.” He said “Live your life as though your every act were to become a universal law for all people.” In other words, imagine that everyone was going to do and say the very things that you were doing and saying at that moment. When you set this kind of standard for yourself, you begin to transform your life. You immediately become a better person.
Four Great Questions
There are four great questions that you can ask and answer on a regular basis to keep yourself growing and developing toward becoming an excellent person. The first question is, “What kind of a world would this world be, if everybody in it was just like me?” The failure to ask this question, and the inability to answer it with, “This world would be a better place” is the cause of most of our problems in the world today.
The second question you can ask is, “What kind of a country would my country be, if everyone in it were just like me?” If everyone could answer that this country would be a better place to live if others lived the same way they did, we could quickly eliminate crime, alcoholism, drug addiction, welfare, corruption and all forms of behaviors that can only exist as long as the vast majority do not engage in them.
The third question is, “What kind of a company would my company be if everyone in it was just like me?” If the executives at the hearts of the corporate accounting scandals had asked and answered this question on a regular basis, the problems in their corporations would never have occurred. Every day, you should ask and answer this question about yourself and your work habits to see if you can answer in the affirmative, or not. If not, what could you change immediately to begin becoming the very best person you could possibly be?
The fourth question is, “What kind of a family would my family be, if everyone in it was just like me?” If everyone in your family treated everyone else exactly the way that you treat the people in your family, would your family be a happier, healthier and more loving place in which to live and grow?
When you ask this question of yourself continually, you will find yourself treating the people in your family better and better. As you improve the quality of your family life, your relationships at work will improve as well.
Five Great Habits For Better Relationships
There are five habits that you can develop to assure wonderful human relationships, both at home and at work. The first is for you to develop the habit of acceptance, or what is called in psychology, “unconditional positive regard.”
Each person has a deep subconscious need to be accepted unconditionally and without reservations by other people. As children, our parents often manipulate us by offering or withholding love and acceptance. This conditions us to be extremely sensitive to the opinions and treatment of others toward us as we grow up. As children and teenagers, we will do almost anything to earn the acceptance of our playmates and peers, or not to lose it. As adults, the acceptance of the important people around us, and even strangers, can become so important to us that will do whatever it takes, and even give up our individuality, in order not to trigger their disapproval.
When you completely and unconditionally accept another person, just as he or she is, without comment, criticism or any suggestion that he or she needs to change in any way, you raise their self-esteem and release more of their innate potential for happiness and self-expression. In the movie, Bridget Jones Diary, her friends are all amazed when she describes another man by saying, “He likes me just the way I am.” Apparently, none of them had ever met anyone who felt that way.
The very best romances, marriages and parenting experiences are situations where each person in the relationship, especially the parents and spouses, unconditionally accept the others, with no reservations. Remember, the opposite of acceptance is rejection. The feeling of not being accepted by others triggers a series of negative emotions, fears, doubts and feelings of inadequacy. Your job is to make a habit of going through life expressing unconditional acceptance toward others. This will make you welcome wherever you go.
The simplest way to express acceptance of another person is simply to smile each time you see him or her. It takes 13 muscles to smile and 111 muscles to frown. It is therefore much easier to smile, and much more effective. Each time you smile, you raise the self-esteem of the person that you are smiling at. In addition, you release endorphins in your own brain, which make you feel happier as well. Make a habit of practicing unconditional acceptance with everyone you meet, under all conditions. You will be amazed at the positive effect you have on the people around you.
Develop An Attitude of Gratitude
The second habit you need to develop to become a relationship expert is the habit of appreciation. One of the most powerful ways of thinking you can develop is an “attitude of gratitude.” The more appreciative and thankful you are of the good things in your life, the more that they will increase and expand.
Begin each day by appreciating the fact that you are alive, that you have family and friends, that you have health and well-being. Give thanks for the fact that you have a job, opportunities for the future, and a great county to live in. Instead of complaining and criticizing, as most people do, you should focus on what makes you happy, and express your gratitude on every occasion.
The two words that most express an attitude of gratitude are the words “Thank you.” Develop the habit of saying thank you to everyone for anything that they do for which any thanks at all are warranted. Wave and thank people for letting you cut into line in traffic. Thank your spouse for making breakfast and thank your kids for doing their homework. Thank your boss whenever he says or does anything friendly or helpful, and thank your staff for their work. Thank people in restaurants and on telephone calls. Make it a habit to generate a force field of thankful energy that goes before you wherever you go.
Every time you thank a person for anything that they have done or said, or for any quality they have demonstrated, their self-esteem goes up. Every time you say thank you, and raise the self-esteem of another, your self-esteem goes up as well.
Everybody Likes A Compliment
The third habit you can develop is the habit of admiration. As Abraham Lincoln wrote “Everybody likes a compliment.” Make it a habit to admire the traits, qualities or possessions of other people. Compliment them when they are punctual. Compliment them for their achievements. Compliment them on their car or clothes or briefcase. When you go to people’s homes, compliment them on their home in general and on the different rooms, furniture and decorations.
Admire people’s accomplishments such as their degrees or diplomas. Admire their children and spouses. Admire their offices and their businesses. Compliment the waiter when he or she serves you quickly, “You certainly are fast today!”
Whenever you compliment a person for anything, especially their appearance or an article of their clothing, their self-esteem goes up. They feel more valuable and important. They feel happier. And as a result of the “boomerang effect,” you feel happier and more positive yourself. Your self-esteem goes up in equal measure.
Build the Self Esteem of Others
The fourth way that you can make others feel important is by developing the habit of giving praise and approval, whenever and wherever it can be given. This satisfies another of the deepest needs of each person, to feel valuable and respected by others.
When you praise another person, their self-esteem goes up. They are then motivated to repeat whatever it was they did that caused them to earn your praise in the first place. In fact, one of the definitions of self-esteem is “the degree to which a person feels himself to be praise-worthy.”
In motivational psychology, praising someone regularly for a positive behavior develops in him or her the habit of engaging in that behavior. This “positive reinforcement” is a powerful and proven way to motivate and manage people. Whatever you praise and approve, you get more of.
Make it a habit to always praise and approve of other people when they do something that is positive or desirable, and which you want to see repeated. Praise your children for cleaning up their bedrooms. Praise them for doing their homework. Praise them for getting good grades. Praise your spouse for anything he or she does around the house.
My friend Ken Blanchard recommends that you go around your office giving “One Minute Praisings.” What is even more effective in making someone feel important is to praise the person in front of someone else, or at a staff meeting. The more you praise people in front of others for something they have accomplished, the greater impact it has on their self-esteem and feelings of personal value. Often they will remember a public praising for years.
The Rules For Praising Others
The basic rules for giving praise effectively are these: first, praise immediately, right after the person engages in the praise-worthy behavior. The faster the praise or positive feedback, the better the person feels, and the greater effect it has in shaping future behavior.
Second, praise specifically. Explain exactly what it is that you approve of. The more specific the praise, the greater impact it has on the person’s self-esteem and subsequent behavior in that area.
Third, praise repeatedly, each time he or she does what you want them to do. This is essential for helping a person to develop a new habit of some kind.
For example, if you have an employee who comes in late, praise them when they come in on time. Each time that they arrive punctually, or before the designated work time, go out of your way to praise them and thank them for their punctuality. At the same time, ignore their behavior when they come in late. This sets up a carrot and stick dynamic that eventually leads to them coming in punctually all the time.
Once a person has developed a new habit, as the result of regular praise and reinforcement, you can then move to “intermittent reinforcement.” This means that you only need to praise the person now and then for the behavior to keep it in force. So, praise repeatedly to help the person develop a new, positive habit and then praise intermittently to keep the behavior in place.
The Magic Of Listening
The fifth habit you need to be a relationship expert is the habit of paying attention to people when they talk. You need to develop the habit of being a good listener.
As it happens, most people are poor listeners. They usually have several things on their mind at the same time, and are paying attention to several different subjects while someone else is talking to them. As a result, they do not hear the other person clearly and often misunderstand and mis-remember the content of the discussion. This leads to confusion, arguments, accusations and inefficiencies.
Listening is a discipline that you can learn with practice. There are several steps you can follow to develop the habit of excellent listening.
First, make a decision to develop the habit of being an excellent listener. Second, begin immediately by practicing intense listening when people talk to you. Third, never allow an exception until people begin to compliment you on what a good listener you are.
Four Keys to Effective Listening
There are four keys to effective listening. You can read every book and article, listen to every audio program and take every course on the subject, but they will all boil down to the four keys behaviors of an excellent listener. Here they are:
First, listen attentively. Lean forward. Listen without interruptions. Focus intently on the mouth and eyes of the person who is speaking. Imagine that your eyes are sunlamps and you want to give the other person’s face a tan.
It has been said that, “Rapt attention is the highest form of flattery.” Whenever a person is intensely listened to by another, their self-esteem goes up. They feel more important and more valuable. They feel happy inside. As a result, they feel better toward the person who is making them feel this way by listening to them so attentively.
One of the ways to listen more attentively is to eliminate all distractions when a person wants to talk to you. If you are in your office, put down all paper, have your secretary hold your calls and eliminate all distractions. If possible, move away from your desk and sit with the person where you can face them directly with no interruptions or anything in the way.
If you are at home and a member of your family wants to talk to you, make a habit of turning off the television, folding up the newspaper and putting aside anything that could draw your attention away while the other person is speaking. Turn and face them directly. Lean forward. Imagine that listening to this person is the most important thing that you could possibly do all day long. Eventually this will become a habit.
Pause Before Replying
The second key to effective listening is for you to develop the habit of pausing before replying. Instead of jumping in with your own comments when the other person takes a breath, pause for three to five seconds, or even longer. Allow a silence in the conversation. This habit of pausing before speaking has three advantages.
First, you avoid the possibility of interrupting the other person if he is just stopping to gather his thoughts before continuing.
Second, when you pause, you demonstrate clearly to the other person that what he has just said is important and you are giving it careful consideration before replying. On the other hand, where the listener immediately jumps in with his own comment or observation, it is clear that he was not really listening at all. He was just waiting for his chance to talk.
Third, and most important, when you pause after a person finishes speaking, you actually hear them at a deeper level of mind. Their words, like water soaking into the earth, soak deeper into your mind and you actually understand what they really mean with greater clarity.
Never Assume Understanding
The third key to excellent listening is for you to develop the habit of questioning for clarification. Never assume that you understand fully what the other person really means by what they have said, especially if there is any chance of misunderstanding. Instead, pause and then ask, “How do you mean?”
This is my favorite question for making sure that I thoroughly understand exactly what the person is saying and what message they are trying to convey. “How do you mean?”
Here is an important rule: “The person who asks questions has control.” When you ask questions in a conversation, you take control of the conversation. The person who is asking the questions controls the person who is answering the questions.
When you ask the question, “How do you mean?” or “How do you mean, exactly?” you get an opportunity to listen even more. You understand even better. You maintain control of the conversation in a very gentle and professional way.
The rule in conversation is that, “Listening builds trust.” The more that you ask good questions and listen closely to the answers, the more the other person trusts you, believes you and is open to your influence.
The very best way for you to build high quality relationships with other people is to ask them good questions and then listen attentively to the answers. Pause before replying. Question for clarification. Seek intently to understand the other person and how he or she is thinking and feeling before you comment yourself.
Feed It Back In Your Own Words
The fourth key to effective listening is to develop the habit of paraphrasing what the person has said before you reply. Feed it back in your own words. Say something like, “Let me be sure I understand what you are saying . . .”
There are two types of listening that are very powerful in building high quality relationships. The first is called “listening to help.” This is where you merely act as a sounding board, making no effort to comment or give advice. You encourage the person to talk and you ask questions that help her to expand her thinking. “Why do you say that? How do you feel about that? How do you mean?” And so on.
Sometimes, what people need more than anything else is an opportunity to talk out their problems or situation with another person who merely nods, listens and accepts, without commenting or giving advice. Many psychotherapists make an entire career of sitting quietly while the patient talks non-stop for fifty minutes, then collecting their fee and scheduling the next visit.
The second form of listening is called “reflective listening.” This is where you continually paraphrase and feed back the person’s thoughts in a new or different way. For example, the person can be complaining about an argument with his or her boss. You would reflect this back by saying, “it seems that when your boss argues with you it really affects your self-esteem.”
In both cases, your skillful use of the practice of listening causes people to like and respect you more. As a result, they are much more open to your input, advice and influence. Good listeners are welcome wherever they go.
Deciding What’s Truly Important
One of the questions we ask in our seminars is, “What would you do, how would you spend your time, if you learned today that you only had six months left to live?”
Virtually everyone in our courses over the years has no trouble answering that question. They would spend every possible minute with the most important people in their lives. All financial or material considerations would disappear and only their most important relationships would have any value to them.
The fact is that, relationships are everything. Your relationships form a core part of your identify. They have an inordinate impact on who you are, what you do and everything you become. Most of us determine our place and position in life in relationship to the people around us.
Develop the habit of putting the people in your family ahead of all other considerations. In our busy, bustling world of commerce and activity today, it is very easy for your life to get out of balance. It is quite common for people to start spending more and more time at work and less time with the members of their family or the people in their key relationships.
Maintain Balance Between Life and Work
To be truly happy, you must make a habit of maintaining balance between your work and your personal life. The first step in achieving this balance is for you to resolve to “work all the time you work.” The reason that most people feel that they are under so much pressure from their work is because they waste most of the working day. But unfortunately, even if you waste time, the work does not go away. It still has to be done sometime, and often it has to go home and get done in the evenings and on the weekends.
There is the story of the little girl who goes to her mother and says, “Mommy, why is it that daddy brings a briefcase full of work home every night and never spends time with the family anymore?”
The mother tries to explain. “Honey, you have to understand. Daddy can’t get all of his work done at work, so he has to bring it home in the evenings.”
The little girl looks up at her mother and says, “If he can’t get all his work done, why don’t they put him in a slower class?”
Maintain Your Priorities
Work all the time you work. Start earlier, put your head down and work the entire time throughout the day. If you are spending more than 10% of your time interacting with your coworkers, it is too much. Keep repeating to yourself, “Back to work! Back to work! Back to work!”
When you go home, resolve to be there with your family 100% of the time. The most important part of personal relationships is face-to-face contact and communication. Nothing can replace this. Your goal should be to increase the amount of face-to-face communication time you have with your spouse and children each day. This will improve your family life more than anything else you can do, and it doesn’t cost a cent.
When you go home at night, resist the temptation to turn on the television and fight for the remote control. Instead, leave things off. Leave the television off, Leave the radio off. Leave the computer off. Turn off your cell phone and your pager. Instead, spend the first hour when you get home building the bridges of communication between yourself and the most important people in your life.
Create Quality Time With Your Family
The rule is that spouses should spend at least one full hour each day talking together about subjects that have nothing to do with their work or business. If you are not careful, you will slip into the habit of talking about your work as soon as you get home. Once you begin, like starting an engine, you will end up talking about your work throughout the entire evening. As a result, there will never be any talk about the family or other matters.
Children need at least 10 minutes of face-to-face contact with their parents each day. Take the time to sit and talk with them. Ask them questions and practice your listening skills. Children have a deep need to communicate with their parents, but they will only do this if they feel their parents are open to them, and interested in hearing what they have to say. This is one of your prime jobs, and a habit you need to develop.
Develop the habit of making time every day with the important people in your life, preferably one to one, or on the telephone if necessary. The biggest regret people have at the end of their lives is that they did not spend enough time with their children when they were young, or with their spouses when they were working. Don’t let this happen to you.
Create Chunks of Quality Time
Develop the habit of creating chunks of time to spend with the members of your family. The value of any relationship is determined by the amount of time that you invest in that person. Building and maintaining important relationships requires unbroken chunks of time, in 30, 60 and 90 minute periods, if not longer.
Use your creativity and initiative to create these chunks of time. My wife and I go out for dinner alone at least once per week. We almost invariably go to a restaurant that is at least 30 minutes away. During this time, we simply talk and interact. We never allow the radio or CD player to be on when we are driving together.
When I first got married, I made a firm decision that I would never allow any music, radio or noise in my car when I was traveling with members of my family. This is one of the best decisions I ever made. Whenever I go somewhere with one of my children, we leave everything off. When you create a sound vacuum inside a car, it will very quickly fill with conversation. When there are no distractions, the passengers almost immediately start talking about themselves, their lives, their concerns, their worries, doubts and other things. But as soon as you turn on any music in a car, all conversation stops.
Three or four times each year, my wife and I will drive somewhere for the weekend. We will select a destination at least two or three hours away. During this trip, we just simply talk and exchange ideas. These are some of the very best experiences of our lives. Try it yourself and see.
A friend of mine had to drive his 16-year-old daughter to join her friends on a ski trip because she missed the bus. It was a four-hour trip from his home to the ski resort and there was no radio reception in the area. Instead, they just talked the entire way. He told me afterwards that he learned more about what was going on in his daughter’s life in that four-hour trip than he had learned in the previous 10 years. He was absolutely astonished at the quality of the conversation that poured out when two people get into a car and drive with no music or radio interruption. The experience changed their relationship completely, in a very positive way.
Take Regular Vacation
It is important that you develop the habit of taking weekends away with your spouse, and vacations away with your family. The key is to book the vacations in advance and pay for them on a non-refundable basis. Many people wait until very close to the date before they begin thinking about booking a vacation. At that time, it is very easy to put it off or delay it because of pressing responsibilities. Often, it is hard to find a place to go to. It becomes very easy not to go at all.
But if you buy and pay for a vacation, including airfares, hotels, rental cars, and everything else, in advance, you will almost always take that vacation.
Our family has been going to Hawaii in the winter every year for 18 years. We have never missed a vacation. One of the reasons for this is that the Hawaiian resorts are so popular that you have to pay for your vacation in full by April if you want it to be confirmed for December. This pre-payment serves as a wonderful discipline and assures that we never miss a family vacation together. These family vacations together have been some of the richest and most rewarding times of our lives.
Treat Your Family Members As Your Treat Your Best Customers
In all your interactions with the members of your family, and with others, make it a habit to practice good manners, to be courteous and kindly with everyone with whom you interact. There is nothing that will set you apart as a quality person faster than the habit of being courteous and kindly in every situation.
Always say “please” and “thank you.” Be patient and wait your turn in conversations. Open the doors for other people when appropriate. Never criticize, complain or condemn. Attempt to be gracious and friendly with everybody, and in every interaction. The very best and most respected people in our society are men and women who make a habit of being well mannered in everything they do. And you can develop the manners you need by regularly practicing the manners that you most admire in other people.
Forgive and Let Go
Perhaps the most important habit that you can develop to have wonderful relationships, and to live a long and happy life, is the habit of forgiveness.
Every religion, and every spiritual tradition, seems to have forgiveness as a core principle for spiritual development. By forgiveness, I mean your ability to freely forgive other people for anything they have ever done or said that has hurt you in any way. The ability to forgive opens the keys to the spiritual kingdom. The ability to forgive frees you from the past and makes you a completely different person. Virtually all negative emotions, anger, frustration, guilt, resentment, envy, jealously and blame arise from the inability to forgive a person for something he or she has done or said in the past.
Many people go through their entire lives still angry and resentful toward one or both of their parents for a mistake that their parents made with them at an early age. They are still angry because they felt that one of their parents was unfair, unjust, unsupportive, closed-minded, or unduly critical or hurtful.
It’s Time to Move On
Sometimes, I ask my thousand-person audiences, “Is there anyone here who had a difficult childhood, or who has had a bad relationship, a bad boss, a friend or business associate who betrayed or cheated them, or has otherwise been badly treated in life?”
Almost everyone moans and raises their hand. I then say, “Well, get over it!”
This may sound frivolous or cruel, but it is one of the most important things I’ve ever learned in a lifetime of working with more than two million people. Most of your unhappiness comes from your failure to let go of negative experiences from your past. As the result of refusing to let go of them, you keep them alive, like keeping a fire burning. Not only did you pay a price in terms of pain and hurt when the event occurred, but by keeping it alive, you continue to pay that price, over and over again.
Divide Life Situations Into Two Categories
It is very important, especially in relationships, that you divide your situations in life into two categories: “facts” and “problems.” What is the difference between a fact and a problem? Well, a fact is something that just is. It exists. It is unchangeable. The weather is a fact. Your height is a fact. Your age is a fact. A fact is something that cannot be changed or wished away.
A problem on the other hand, is something that you can do something about. It is amenable to a solution. It represents a situation that can be changed. One of the great rules for success and happiness in life is to refuse to become upset, or remain upset over a fact.
With regard to life, there are two time periods, the past and the future. The present is a single second moving between them. A past event is not a problem; it is a fact. It is unchangeable. One of the rules for happiness is for you not to worry about things that happened in the past that you cannot change. One of the rules for success in your relationships is to never criticize or complain about something that someone has done that cannot be changed. Be sure to distinguish between the two.
The Damaged Car
Some years ago, I bought a new Mercedes and left it with my wife when I went off on a business trip. When I called home the following day, she asked, “Are you sitting down? I have something I have to tell you.” (By the way, these are not words that you want to hear on the phone when you are away.)
I said, “Yes, I’m sitting down, go ahead.”
She said “I was taking the children to school this morning and one of them left the door open when he got into the back seat. I backed out and hit the garage with your door and smashed it up.”
I asked her, “Are you all right? Are the children all right?”
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She said, “Yes, we are all fine. The car wasn’t moving that fast. But it is going to cost almost $2000 to fix the door.”
I said, “Well, that’s too bad, but life goes on.”
She said, “Aren’t you mad?”
I said, “Did you do it on purpose?”
She said, “Of course not.”
“Well then,” I said. “Why should I be mad? Wives are more important than cars or back doors.”
I never commented, criticized or complained about the accident again. As far as I was concerned, it was a fact. It was a part of the past and could not be changed. It was not worth a single moment of negative emotion or concern.
The point is this: things that have happened in your past are facts that cannot be changed. The desire to have something in your past be different than it actually was is a major reason for negative emotions, anger, resentment and blame. The cure for these is for you to develop the habit of forgiveness, and to let go of every negative emotion and experience that has ever happened to you.
Four People to Forgive
For you to set yourself free and get on with the rest of your life, there are four people that you need to forgive. First, make a habit of forgiving your parents for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up. All parents make mistakes with their children. They do the very best they can, with what they have, based on their own experience, and their current situation, but they make mistakes. This is a fact.
If your parents made a mistake with you, you can say to yourself, “I forgive them completely for everything.” And then let it go. If your parents are still alive, go and sit down with them and discuss the events and experiences you still feel angry or resentful about. Tell them, “For a long time, I was angry and resentful about this, but I have decided to forgive you unconditionally and let it go.” And then never bring it up again.
It is only when you can freely forgive your parents, and let go of any lingering anger or resentment, that you truly grow up, and become an adult. Until that point of forgiveness, you are still a child, seeing yourself as a victim. You are still trapped in the past. Forgiveness sets you free to get on with your life.
Open the Jail Doors
The second person you have to forgive is any individual from a previous relationship, especially a romantic relationship, or a bad marriage, that you still feel angry about.
Begin by accepting that you were at least 50% responsible for what happened. You got yourself into the situation and you kept yourself in it, long after you began to feel unhappy. Make a decision today to forgive the other person, no matter what he or she did or said, and just let it go. Think about who you are, what you want and where you want to go in the future, and let the past go. “When you turn toward the sun, the shadows fall behind you.”
It takes two people to keep someone in jail, the prisoner and the jailer. When you let the “prisoner” out of the mental jail you have been holding him or her in, you set yourself free as well. As Buddy Hackett, the humorist, once said, “I never hold grudges; while you’re holding grudges, they’re out dancing!”
Issue A Blanket Amnesty
The third person you have to forgive is everyone else who has ever hurt you in any way. Forgive your siblings and people from your childhood. Forgive your teachers and early relationships, your bad bosses and dishonest business partners. Sweep them all together and issue a “blanket amnesty.” Forgive every person who has ever caused you any unhappiness in the past. Resolve today to let them go forever. Like dropping a rock into a bottomless pit, open your hand and let those negative experiences disappear. Don’t talk about them, think about them or review them ever again. As far as you are concerned, they are dead issues.
Let Yourself Off the Hook
The fourth person you have to forgive is yourself. It is absolutely amazing how many people are still sitting in negative judgment on themselves because of some wicked, senseless, brainless, foolish or cruel thing they did in the past.
The fact is that your life is a continuous process of growth and evolution. When you did something in the past that you now disapprove of, you were a different person. You are not the person you are today. You are a new person with greater wisdom and experience who would never think of doing what you might have done when you were younger. Let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself and let yourself go.
There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, or hundreds of mistakes, as you grow and mature. It is virtually inevitable. But it is ridiculous for you not to forgive yourself for those mistakes and get on with the rest of your life.
Set Everyone Free
The wonderful thing about the habit of forgiveness is that it sets you free. It also sets everyone that you forgive free as well. Forgiveness is one of the most uplifting and liberating habits that you can develop in all human relationships.
Your goal is to reach the point where there is not a single person or event in your life toward which you feel any anger or resentment. Whenever you think of a person that may have hurt you, you immediately cancel the thought by saying, “God bless him/her; I forgive him/her for everything.” And then get your mind busy with what you want, and start thinking about how the specific actions you can take to achieve it. Get so busy working toward the things that are important to you that you don’t have time to think or worry about the things that happened in the past that you cannot change in any case.
Put People First
Resolve today to develop the habits of men and women who enjoy wonderful relationships for all the days of their lives. Let go of everything that has happened in the past that has hurt you in any way, and instead concentrate on making other people feel important.
Make it a habit to go through life doing and saying the things that raise the selfesteem of others and make them feel valuable. Every kind and generous thing that you do or say for anyone else will boomerang back on you and make you a happier, healthier, more successful person. There are no limits.
Action Exercises:
Make a list of the most important people in your life, personal and business; think of specific things you could do to improve your relationships with these people.
Resolve today to make others feel important whenever you can; start at home with the most valuable people in your life.
Develop the habit of listening better when you converse with other people; pay close attention, pause before replying, question for clarification and feed back what they say in your own words.
Develop an attitude of gratitude for everything and everyone in your life that you are happy about for any reason; say “thank you” on every occasion.
Give “one minute praisings” to your family members, friends, co-workers and other people you meet throughout the day.
Maintain a healthy balance between your work and your family life; make plans to spend more quality time with the people you care about the most.
Practice forgiving everyone and anyone who has hurt you in any way; let go all past grievances and get so busy working on goals that are important to you that you don’t have time to think about the past.
“Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.” (Og Mandino)
