The past two years were so painful that I couldn't tell. When you realize you will lose the person you have cherished a lot, you feel more in pain. There is no journey. There is no end. We all know it is eternal truth, Whoever has taken birth has to die one day. All these things have struck me hard. I don't know if anyone has faced this situation or not- that you know this person can never recover and one day everything will vanish. And so you cry every day. That fear of losing makes you in such a position that even your can't think. You feel you have lost everything. All this is happening to me daily.
I am talking about this man who is my father. I just thought I should write but I don't know what to write, where to start, how to address everything and many more. But now it's time to speak about him. This man has done everything for me and my whole family. You know what a child wants a sensible family and believe me, he has provided that too. My all wishes, whatever I want even though it's nighttime, he fulfills my all wishes. Now, when I realize this man is going to leave me one day, it just started piercing my heart. I just felt there is something like a thorn in my heart...
That day was a nice day. my father is very happy because everything is going smoothly. But on the same night, my father got pain in his teeth so he went to the Dentist. The Dentist told him he is having mouth cancer. He told my father there is no hope. That day was the worst day of our life. It felt like everything is vague for us then. He came and started crying in front of us. In these twenty years of my life, I have never seen my father in that state. He was so much in pain. I realize there are many dreams in my life. I have to give a beautiful life to my father, I want to make him enough proud, and I want to become an IAS Officer which is the dream of my father (to see one of his children as an IAS). That day I didn't see my mother cry, maybe she is holding herself up. Then, she said to him," There are many great doctors. You will be fine. My God won't hurt you. He will not take you away from me." I don't know how can she hold herself up. But whenever my dad won't be in the house, then she sits in front of God and cries in front of him talking to God about various things.
The other day my mom said to go to the doctor who is more experienced as that doctor is not so much experienced. He went to the doctor who is a HOD of a Medical College. He said to my father," There is nothing to worry about. You must relax. This can be recovered very easily. Daily medicine is to be taken and never forget them up." Even if there is no hope but still this hope has given us great hope.
Today when I see my Mom and Dad, it just looks like they are becoming old day by day. And to lose my parents it's again agony as they are my oxygen mask. They are the ventilator for my body. It is like if I can't see them, then I can't live. It was just about yesterday, I listen that one of my aunts talked about my father to someone that my father was working when he was 16 years old as at that age my grandfather has died. I felt so bad that I wasn't able to sleep. Firstly he has worked for his family now he is working for us so that he can give us a good life. It is not that I did not know this but at that time this thing had stuck in my mind. My mother has even told me how much my father has worked hard to give us a good life. She told me that many times he had sold clothes, raincoats, and bed sheets, and many times it was polythene that he has sold. Even one day she told me that when your grandfather was alive, your dad worked hard a lot so that they all can have one meal. During the times when the train ran with coal as fuel, he had sold coal that has fallen from the train when the train passed the track. He has sold the envelopes which he has made himself. There are many moments that I can't write which are now making my heart cry and cry as this man who has brought me into this world, I can't reduce the problems in his life nor I can solve them.
I realize how difficult it would be with him when our grandfather left this earth. I think when he is very young, he has realized that the world is very cruel. Whenever I imagine such a moment I felt like how much it would be difficult for him to survive when there is no backbone. I realize I still can't hold my father's hand and say to him that I am with you. There is nothing I can say to him. Whenever I see him I feel the pain in his eyes and my eyes get filled up with tears. I think there is nothing to lose if you have parents as many times they act as the pathfinders and many times as guider. The human journey is one of the longest journeys - the journey where you will see a bump every day. The fear of losing someone will make you die each and every day. That's why our Sages have told us through various mediums that fascination and illusions should never come into your life.
