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ENGLISH VINGLISH - 3

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Murdering English Language

1.Principal to student... “I saw you yesterday rotating 

near a girl's hostel pulling cigarettes?”

2.“Class teacher once said: “Pick up the paper and fall in 

the dustbin!”

3.“Once a Hindi teacher said. “I’m going out of the world 

to America.”

4.“Don’t try to talk in front of my back”.

5.“Don’t… laugh at the backbenches. otherwise teeth and 

all will have fallen down”.

6.It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher 

entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was 

some problem. and then she said “why is the fan not 

oning.” (ing form of on).

7.“Teacher in a furious mood. write down your name and

father of your name!!”

 8. “Shhh... quiet, the principal is revolving around college.”

 9. My manager started like this “Hi, I am Madhu, Married 

   with two kids.”

10. “Will you hang that calendar or else I’ll hang myself.”

11. Librarian scolds, “if you will talk again, I will kneel 

down outside.”

12. Chemistry HOD comes and tells us “My aim is to 

study my son and marry my daughter.”

13.“Tomorrow call your parents, especially mother 

and father.”

14.“Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when 

I am in the class?!”

15. Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote the 

  wrong code. “I understand. You understand. Computer 

  how understand?”

16.Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the 

noisy class. “Keep quiet, the principal has just passed 

away.”

17.Once Teacher Told “If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand 

Uping you.”

18.Teacher to students: Don’t spit outside, the 

understanding people will suffer.”

19.“I have three daughters, all are girls.”

20.This is what my manager said, “Peoples, please sit 

down and take your seats.”

21.“I am take a surprising test tomorrow.”

22. “Take 5m wire of any length.”

23. “Can you audible me?”

24.“Can you want to know this?”

25.“There may be ambiguity arises.”

26.“Can you able to know this? “

27.“My head is eating circles.”

28.“My heart becomes garden-garden.”

29.“Kindly return my money as my wife is hardly 

pressing for money.”

30.In the court a probationer lawyer started his 

arguments addressing the 

lady judge- ‘My lady!’ the accused was caught red 

handed by the complainant lady …

 

Leave Applications Murdering 

English Language:

An employee applied for leave as follows:

 “Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along 

 with my wife please sanction me one-week leave.”

A leave application from an employee who was to 

perform the “mundan” ceremony of his10 year old 

son (it’s a ceremony in which hairs of head are 

completely shaved):

“As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me 

for two days.”

 

Another gem- Leave-letter from an employee who 

was performing his daughter’s wedding:

“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s 

leave.”

Leave application to Administration:

“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one 

responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock 

and I may not return, please grant me half day casual 

leave.”

An incident of a leave letter:

“I am suffering from a fever, please declare a one-day 

holiday.”

A leave letter to the headmaster:

“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from a 

headache. I request you to leave me today.”

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for 

the day.”

Covering note:

“I am enclosed herewith...”

Another one:

“Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer 

to my below...”

Actual letter written for application of leave:

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only 

husband at home I may be granted leave.”

Letter writing:

“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

A candidate’s job application:

“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 

‘Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female’... As I am 

both for the past several years and I can handle both 

with good experience. I am applying for the post.”

An application to his boss through telegram from a 

remote station.

“Sir, as my wife is sick, kindly send reliever so that I may 

proceed ahead.”

 

A Letter from a Mother to Her Son

I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you 

cannot read fast.

About your father. . . He has a lovely new job. He has 500 

men under him. 

He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came 

with me. 

 

The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me 

not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered two 

thousand rupees to buy it from him.

                   Your dear mummy

                                  XYZ

 

A Condolence Letter

Dear friend sunny!

I am glad that you informed me about the sad demise 

of your father. I am praying to the god that the soul of 

your dear father may rest in pieces.

 

                    A sorry friend of you

                                   XYZ

 

A Correction-of-a-(Incorrected) Correction

“The “Daily News” wish to apologize for our apology to 

Mr. C P Verma, published Oct. 22. 

“In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. C P 

Verma published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the 

incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our 

original regrets were unacceptable and we apologize to 

Mr. C P Verma for any distress caused by our previous 

apology”.

  

It is not Murdering English but a Research-

There is a two-letter word that has perhaps more 

meanings than any other two-letter English word, 

and that is the word “UP.”

It’s easy to understand “UP” as meaning “toward the 

sky” or “moving to the top” of something, but why do 

we wake UP in the morning (just before we get UP)?

At a meeting, we must speak UP in order to bring UP 

a topic. Then it’s UP to the secretary to write UP a 

report (unless she can think UP an excuse).

We call UP our friends and ask them to come UP for 

dinner. For them, we brighten UP the room, and we 

polish UP the silver, hoping they’ve worked UP an 

appetite. We mess UP the kitchen cooking UP a meal 

and using towels to soak UP spills. Afterward, we have 

to clean UP, and the next day, we warm UP the leftovers. 

Sometimes, guys lock UP their house, line UP to buy 

parts, and then fix UP their old cars. Politicians stir UP 

trouble, especially when they’re UP for election. To be 

dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is something 

special! A drain must be opened UP because it is 

stopped UP. 

If your can of Drano is empty, it’s all used UP. We open 

UP a store in the morning, but at night we close UP 

shop. 

If it looks like rain, we say it is clouding UP. When 

the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it 

rains, some things get wet and may end UP being all 

rusted UP. But when it doesn’t rain for a while, then 

everything dries UP. 

And in the winter, things can freeze UP! We seem to 

be pretty mixed UP about “UP”! If you want to know

 more about “UP,” look it UP in the dictionary. 

It may take UP a fourth of the page, and can add UP 

to about thirty definitions! If you are UP to it, you 

might try building UP your own list of the many uses 

of “UP.” It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you 

don’t give UP, you may wind UP with more than a 

hundred! I could go on and on, but my time is UP. 

I’m going to wrap it UP by shutting UP!

 

ONE WORD      FOR         MANY

Accomplice : One who is a partner in a crime.

Aggressor : One who attacks first.

Altruist : One who believes in helping others.

Ambiguous : Which can be interpreted in two ways.

Anarchy : A state in which there is absence or 

                             Lack of government.

Ancestral : Inherited from forefathers.

Anonymous : Which does not bear the writer’s name.

Autocrat : A ruler with unlimited powers.

Aquarium : A tank for fishes and water plants.

Arsenal : A factory or store for weapons of war.

Autocracy : Government by one who’s will as law.

Aviary  : A place for keeping birds.

Bigot  : One who has narrow and 

                             prejudicial religious views.

Blasphemy : Something said or done to show 

                                             disrespect towards god or religion.   

 

Brittle  : Which is easily breakable.

Census : An official numbering of the population.

Cemetery : A place where dead bodies are buried.

Chauvinist : One who praises a group or reason  

                                             beyond limit.

Contagious : A disease which spreads by contacts.

Contemporary : One who lives at the same time as  

                                             another.

Connoisseur : One who judges art and craft.

Credulous : One who easily believes whatever 

                                             is told to him.

Cynic  : One who disregards good deeds 

                                             of others.

Diplomacy : The art practiced by statesmen 

                                             and ambassadors.

Domestic : An animal which can be trained.

Edible  : Which is fit to eat.

Effeminate : One who behaves as a woman.

Egoistic : One who thinks of himself.

Emigrant : A person who leaves his native 

                                             to settle in another.

Epidemic : A disease which affects a large area.

Epicure : One who is fond of tasty food.

Epitaph : Words inscribed on the tomb 

                                            (grave stone) of a man.

Extempore : A speech delivered without 

                                             any preparation

Fable  : A story of birds and animals.

Fanatic : One who is following his religion 

                             blindly and rigidly.

Fastidious : One who is very selective for his 

                              habits and choices.

Fatal  : Which is sure to end into death.

Fatalist : One who believes in fate.

Flexible : Which can be easily bent.

Germicide : A medicine which kills germs.

Glutton : One who eats too much.

Gourmand : One who is fond of eating.

Gregarious : A special person who likes to

                             spend time in the company of 

                              friends.

Honorary : Work for which no salary is paid.

Illegible : Which cannot be read.

Illegal  : Which is contrary to law.

Illicit  : A trade which is prohibited by law

Impracticable : Which cannot be practiced or done.

Inaudible : Which cannot be heard.

Incomprehensible: Which cannot be understood.

Incredible : That which cannot be believed.

Inexplicable : That which cannot be explained.

Indispensable : A thing or person without which a

                             job cannot be done.

Inevitable : Which is sure to happen.

Indefatigable : One who never gets tired.

Ineligible : One who cannot be elected.

Infallible : One who cannot 

                             make a mistake.

 

Infanticide : An act of killing of new-born babies.

Intolerable : That which cannot be endured.

Irreparable : Which cannot be repaired.

Irrevocable : That which cannot be changed 

                                             or revoked.

Irrelevant : A remark which does not apply to the 

                             matter on hand.

Insecticide : A medicine which kills insects.

Insoluble : Which cannot be solved.

Insolvent : A person who cannot pay his debts.

Invisible : Which cannot be seen.

Leper  : A person who suffers from Leprosy.

Linguistic : One who knows many languages.

Maiden : A speech delivered for the first time.

Martyr : One who dies for a noble cause.

Migratory : A bird which comes and goes with 

                             the seasons.

Mint  : A place where money is coined.

Mortal  : One who is subjected to death.

Narcissist : One who loves to self.

Novice  : One who is new to any business.

Nursery : A place where young plants are grown.

Omnipotent : One who is all powerful.

Omniscient : One who sees everything, or

                              nothing is hidden to him.

Obsolete : A word which is no longer in use.

 

Optimistic : One who looks upon the brighter 

                                             side of everything.

Opaque : Which cannot be seen through.

Panacea : A remedy for all diseases.

Paradox : A statement which appears to

                                              be false but is really true.

Parasol : A lady’s umbrella.

Pessimistic : One who looks upon the darker 

                                             side of everything.

Pedestrian : One who walks on foot.

Philanthropist : One who is a lover of mankind.

Philatelist : One who collects postage stamps.

Plumber : A person who fits and mends 

                                             taps and pipes.

Polyglot : A person who knows and is able 

                                             to use many languages.

Posthumous : A child born after the death of its 

                                             father.

Premature : Which happens before the proper 

                                             time.

Prophecy : Statement which tells about what 

                                             will happen in future.

Remunerations : The sum paid for a piece of work.

Spinster : A woman who has not married.

Samaritan : Someone who gives help to 

                                             people who need it.

Sine cure : An office with no work and high 

                                             pay.

Soliloquy : The act of speaking aloud one’s 

                                             thoughts when alone.

Soporific :  Anything (especially a drug) that 

                                              Endures sleep.

Stoic  : One who is indifferent to pleasure 

                                             or pain.

Supernatural : Which is beyond the power of 

                      nature.

Teetotaller : One who abstains from 

                      intoxicating drinks.

Theist  : One who believes in god.

Transparent : Which can be seen through.

Unavoidable : That which cannot be avoided.

Unconquerable :        That which cannot be conquered 

                      or defeated.   

Universal : Which prevails everywhere.

Unjustifiable : Which cannot be justified.

Unreliable : That which cannot be depended 

                      upon.

Usurer  : One who lends money at a high 

                      rate of interest.

Verbatim : To repeat word for word.

Veteran : One who has long experience.

Volunteer : A person who offers his services 

                      freely.

Waif  : A homeless child.

Wardrobe : A place where clothes are kept.

Wild  : Which cannot be tamed.

Craziest Words:

Stop Being A Nincompoop and Learn A Little-

Shakespeare is known for creating some “crazy” words, 

but most of those words are now so common that we 

don’t notice. These words range from “hurry” to “zany” 

and in the 1400s they were quite strange.

 

Today, we are going to delve into some of the craziest 

words, many of which have been around about as long 

as some of Shakespeare’s “gibberish” and some from 

the early 1940s and 1950s. Some of these words are 

used regularly in many places around the English-

speaking world, whereas other places haven’t even heard 

of them. Let’s see which of these craziest words you 

already know and which ones are new to you:

 

 Bumfuzzle. This is a simple term that refers to being 

confused, perplexed, or flustered or to cause confusion. 

You’ve probably heard your grandma or grandpa use 

this phrase, especially if they are from the East Coast 

or below the Mason-Dixon Line. This word is derived 

from the Old English dumfoozle.

 Cattywampus. This is a term that you will find in the 

Midland and Southern United States. It is referring to 

something that is in disarray, that is askew, or something 

that isn’t directly across from something. For example,

a post 

office might be cattywampus from the library. You might 

actually know this word by the terms catty-corner, 

kitty-corner, or catawampus.

 Gardyloo. This is actually a Scottish term, but it sounds 

really nifty! The definition is a funny and gross one; this 

is what people living in Edinburgh shouted out their 

windows as a warning before dumping their slop 

buckets out of their windows. At least they gave a little 

bit of a warning to those below!

 Taradiddle. This word references someone or something 

that is filled with pretentious nonsense or something that 

is a lie. A great example of this is that classic fisherman’s 

tale of how big the fish he caught was. Usually the 

fisherman is lying or at least exaggerating about the fish, 

especially if he (or she) didn’t keep the fish.

 Snickersnee. While this word sounds like something funny 

or possibly cute, it is actually referring to a long, dangerous 

knife. It was first used in reference to cut-and- thrust 

fighting in the 1700s and is still occasionally used when referencing the knife, though it is becoming more and 

more obsolete.

 

 Widdershins. This is another way to say something 

is moving counter clockwise or something is moving 

in the wrong direction. It is a much more fun way to 

say counter- clockwise and is most likely something 

you heard one of your grandparents or great-

grandparents say. Many people do still use it in many 

poems and newly published books.

 Collywobbles. This refers to a weird feeling in your 

stomach or an overall bellyache. It is derived from the 

Latin phrase cholera morbus, meaning it came from 

the disease we all know as cholera. This is a word 

many people still use especially older individuals, and 

the background is quite dark! Many don’t realize the 

dark background much like many being unaware of 

the origins of “Ring around the Rosie.”

 Gubbins. This is an object that has little or no value and 

is also referring to a gadget or device. It can also refer to 

odds and ends or rubbish and, oddly enough, can be used 

to describe a silly person. We don’t know about you, but 

it seems a little strange that a word describing something 

with little to no value also refers to someone who is silly.

 Abibliophobia. Now this is a word that perfectly describes 

many people and you may be one! This refers to someone 

who is afraid of running out of things to read. We’re 

guessing that you are probably going to start using this 

word to describe yourself as you head out the door to 

the nearest Barnes and Noble or local bookshop.

 Bumbershoot. Here is a fun word that most people know. 

This is referring to an umbrella and is something we have 

heard in many Disney films or in many different books. 

It is quite fun to grab your umbrella and say in a fun 

voice, “I think I need my bumbershoot today!”

 Lollygag. The origin of this word is unknown, but it first 

surfaced 

around 1868.The definition of “lollygag” is someone 

who is messing around or wasting time. It also refers to 

someone who is doing something that isn’t serious or 

useful. This could be a good word to use when 

procrastinating, “I’m just lollygagging.” Are you a 

lollygagger?

 Flibbertigibbet. This is another fun word! This refers to 

someone who is silly and who talks incessantly. 

The first known usage of this word is the 15th century 

and used to be spelled flepergebet. This word also refers 

to a person who is flighty.

 Malarkey. This refers to words that are insincere and 

talk that is particularly foolish. This is a word that we 

can thank the 1920s and 19030s for and it is still used 

by many people. It is a fun word to say, as well.

 Pandiculation. This is what happens when you wake up in 

the morning and stretch. As you stretch, your muscles 

might go rigid for a short time, which can sometimes be uncomfortable. 

It also describes that wonderful, or terrible, combination 

of being extremely sleepy, stretching and yawning at the 

same time. Now, when this happens to you, you’ll know 

what to call it!

 Sialoquent. Do you remember being the eager student 

  in high school or college who sat on the front row? 

  Do you remember how much the professor spit while 

  talking? Well, this is what that action is called. This is 

  such an eloquent word for such an uncomfortable front 

   row sensation?

 Wabbit. No, this isn’t referring to a wascally wabbit. 

  It is a Scottish term for being exhausted. Next time 

  you’re tired, try saying, “I’m pretty wabbit at the 

  moment” and see just how many people look at you 

  strangely.

 Snollygoster. This is something many people already call 

many Politicians, but it happens to be a nicer sounding 

term. This refers to a politician who does or says things 

for their own personal advancement instead of following 

their own principles. Try saying this in your next political discussion and see people’s reaction.

 Erinaceous. This is a strange one; it refers to something or 

someone who resembles a hedgehog. If someone ever says 

that you are looking quite erinaceous today, you know now 

to give them a penetrating, evil glare.

 Bibble. You know those people in your favourite restaurant 

who drink and/or eat noisily? What they are doing is referred 

to as bibble.

 Impignorate. How about using this word when you want to 

say that you’re pawning something? It is a much fancier 

term and quite a fun one at that. This phrase doesn’t only 

mean to pawn but also to mortgage something.

 Nudiustertian. Have you ever wished that you had a word 

for the day before yesterday? This is that word! It might 

be a little bit more convoluted to say, but it sure is an 

interesting sounding word. This word is sure to confuse, 

and eventually astound, people. Now that you know this 

word, try teaching it to your friends!

 Quire. You can always say “two dozen sheets of paper” or 

you can say “quire.” It means the same thing! Interesting, 

huh? There are quite a few single words for many 

phrases.

 Ratoon. Don’t worry, this isn’t referring to a raccoon and 

rat mix breed or an ROUS (rodents of unusual size), it is, 

in fact, referring to that small shoot or growth that comes 

from the root of a plant. You will see a lot of these in the 

spring and summer as things are growing.

 Yarborough. This refers to when you are playing a game of 

cards and the dealer deals a hand without     any numbers 

above nine. This can really be unfortunate or great, 

depending on which game you are playing.

 Xertz. You’re outside in the summer heat moving heavy 

furniture or other items, making you super thirsty. As 

soon as you’re able, you grab a tall glass of water, 

lemonade, or iced tea and gulp it down quickly and/or 

greedily, helping to quench your thirst and cool yourself 

down. When you do this, it is called xertz. This also 

refers to eating food quickly and/or greedily.

 Zoanthropy. This is an interesting term! It refers to a 

person who has delusions that they are a form of animal or 

that they have changed into an animal.

 Pauciloquent. If you are a person of few words, then this is 

the term for you. It refers to someone who doesn’t say much 

or who, when giving a speech, gives a very short one. 

This is a great way for you to tell people you are a person of 

few words, without having to say that whole long statement. 

Give this a try next time and see what happens.

 Bloviate. This is the opposite of pauciloquent and refers to 

people who talk for a long period of time or    who inflate 

their story to make themselves sound better. This also refers 

to someone whose words are empty and have no meaning.

 Borborygm. You know that rumbling you sometimes get in 

your stomach? Well, this is one term for that sensation! It 

might be a little bit more difficult to say than saying, 

“I’m hungry,” though.

 Brouhaha. This is a word we are sure many people have 

heard and it is still used a lot today. This refers to an 

uproar or big event. We guess you could say the latest 

sports team to win at something sure did cause a 

brouhaha!

 Absquatulate. This refers to yourself or someone else 

leaving suddenly. It can also mean that someone has 

absconded with something, as well. It is more a form of 

slang, but it isn’t something you hear every day!

 Comeuppance. This is definitely a word you probably 

heard your grandparents use at some point and it is used 

in many films set in the 1920s to the 1950s or 60s. This is 

a fun word and it should be used more than it is. It means 

that someone will get what they deserve or will “get their 

just desserts.”

 Donnybrook. This is a fun little word for an uprising, a 

melee, or a riot. It can also refer to an argument. If you 

search Google for this particular term, you will not only 

find the definition but also learn that it is a place called Donnybrook, which is part of Dublin, Ireland. Very 

interesting!

 Nincompoop. This is another word that we are sure you 

have heard at some point and you probably know the 

definition. This refers to someone who is silly, foolish, or 

just downright stupid. It was used regularly in the 1950s 

and 60s but is still quite a fun word to say!

 Kerfuffle. It means to make a fuss or a bother, usually 

when people have different points of view.

 Hullaballoo. A word that really sounds like what it means, 

hullaballoo (noun) is the loud noises and shouting that 

people make when they’re angry.

 Cacophony. cacophony (noun) is a mixture of horrible 

sounds. Imagine birds screeching, alarm bells ringing and 

babies screaming…and you’ve got yourself a cacophony!

 Ragamuffin. a ragamuffin is a person who wears dirty and 

scruffy clothes – clothes that are just like rags!

 Whippersnapper. It is a mixture of two terms. One referred 

to a lazy person who had no ambitions. The other term 

was used for young people who lived on the street and 

did bad things, like stealing and Tricking people. The 

meaning has changed over the years, and today it’s used 

for a young person who’s too confident and perhaps a little cheeky! It’s a perfect word to use for an inquisitive child 

who just can’t stop questioning and correcting their 

parents!

 Gobbledygook. It was created in the 1940’s to mean 

words that are nonsense or have no meaning. It also 

describes when people use too many technical words 

and so other people can’t understand what they're 

saying.

 Gibberish. Gibberish (noun) means the same: nonsense 

words and phrases that sound like English but have little meaning.

 Poppycock. Have you ever listened to somebody trying 

to talk about something that they know absolutely 

nothing about? 

Like, you know that what they’re saying is completely 

untrue, yet they insist on continuing to talk? Or where 

someone has told you some so-called facts that are totally wrong?

It’s highly likely that they’re talking poppycock!

 Discombobulate. Discombobulate means to confuse!

 Flummox. If you’re now feeling very discombobulated, 

 you are also flummoxed (adjective). To flummox a 

 person (verb) means to confuse them a lot.

   Curmudgeon. word for someone who’s very bad-

 tempered and grumpy.      

   Lackadaisical. How about if you want to describe that 

 someone is lazy and has no enthusiasm or   

 determination? Lackadaisical (adjective) would be 

 perfect in this situation!   

   Woebegone. woebegone means “surrounded by 

       sadness.

   Lollygag. means to be idle and lazy or to waste time.

   Frankenfood. The word Frankenfood (noun) came 

  into existence in the 1990’s. It’s used informally for   

  genetically modified (GM) foods.