35
TRESPASSING
[I as Krishna had confidential friends. Sridama, Bhadrasena, Amsu, Stokakrisna, Sudama, Dama, Vasudama, Kinkini were my besties. These friends were the same age as me. Their leader was Sridama. Bhadrasena was the general who put my childhood friends in military training.]
SAMRAT:
The moment the train enters in the wall, we are excited but no one shows excitement as we do inside the wall – in the train we're supposed to behave with manners. And the manner says that no matter after a long we’re back at the home, we’re not supposed to shout or cheer in the train.
In the train and beyond the wall we are like prisoners. Prisoners in custody – not bound with handcuff but with fear.
As the train stops inside the station, we march through the back gate. It’s time for a new trip – new labourers – new construction and fresh faces.
At the station, we are not allowed to see each other. New labourers enter through the front gate and we leave through the back gate.
Why?
No one knows. But now I know – they never allow much crowd. They fear of rebel.
But once outside, we’re free. We’re left alone. It’s the place where we belong. It’s the place where we feel secure – where we feel at home.
But none of my people cheer. None of us shout.
Why?
I know the reason. We’ve lost many things beyond the wall - Five people in lightning storms - Two people in tunnels, and Surekha in –
I don’t want to remember it.
All faces are emotionless but now I understand all of my people aren’t emotionless. They have emotions. They are thinking about that what they will say when the families of dead people will ask about their beloved ones.
When we pass the semi-desert area I see my people in a crowd, blocking the sight of our huts. Most of have lanterns in their hand. It looks as though a thousand stars are burning in the wall, on the earth not in the sky. Still, the light isn’t enough to chase away darkness and make their faces visible. but I can see in darkness. Their faces had hope and fear. Hope that nothing unthinkable has happened with their family members and fear that something unthinkable has happened with their family members.
I think about the questions of the people are trying to prepare for that.
As we reach near the crowd. People start to run and hug their families. My mother and Daxa come to me. I reach out to my mother and she covers me in her thin hands, tears in her eyes and happiness on her face. It’s the happiest moment in the wall – when a family member survives beyond the wall,
Daxa wraps her hands around us. For a few minutes, we say nothing. They both are crying and I can’t help myself. I don’t know I’m crying for what? Do I cry because I’m with my family?
No, I think no.
I’m crying because some of my people can’t make it. I’m crying because Surekha would never hug her mother. Where her mother will be?
She must be finding her in the crowd?
How her father will show her body? It isn’t easy to say your wife – I’ve gone with your daughter but I’ve come back with her dead body.
“I think nobody is happy to see me back.” My father says to draw us out of emotion.
“Why not?” my mother hugs her.
As my mother and Daxa release me Krupa jumps to hug to my chest. She is short and she needs to jump on me whenever she wants to hug me. She starches her hand and wraps around my neck. She kisses me on the cheek.
“Tell me what you saw there?” she says, “I am waiting when I will be sixteen. I want to see what is beyond the wall.”
I want to say her there is nothing to see and you shouldn’t go there. No one should go there but I can’t.
“I’ll go first and then you will be sixteen.” Daxa interrupts us, perhaps reading my face and seeing sadness on it.
When we start to walk to our huts, I tell Krupa all the things I’ve seen beyond the wall. Not all the things but all the good things. I don’t say the horror I’ve seen there. She is too small to hear it.
“How many?” Daxa asks as soon as Krupa is content with details and runs to my mother.
“Eight people.” I say, “We’ve seven bodies.”
“And the eighth?”
“They buried it in the ground there.”
“Why?”
“Devata had raped a girl and we were not allowed to take her body.” I say, “Nirbhaya’s buried her in the earth.”
“Who was she?” she asks, her eyes have tears.
“Surekha,” I say and a sob escapes my mouth, “my father and I have promised her safety but we couldn’t do anything for her.”
“No one can.” She says, “You know this.”
“I’m done with serving the creator.” I say, anger in my voice, “now not.”
Daxa looks at me like I'm a stranger “Accident happens.” She says but I don’t say anything.
“Listen to me.” she clutches my shoulder, “Are you listening to me?”
I nod, half-heartedly. “Yes," I say and gesture to my shirt where her hand is clutching me.
“You can’t do anything about it.” She says. She releases her grip on my shoulder.
“That wasn’t an accident.” I say, “it was killing – a merciless killing.” This is the whole point -to stay out of trouble I can’t say it an accident like others. I know it was killing.
We walk a few more paces in silence and then, her eyes find the ground, then she says, “We couldn’t do -”
I cut her off, “this time we’ll do. We can’t see over people being killed. No one will come to rescue us if we do nothing. It doesn’t matter what happens. Whatever they do with us we have to fight through it.” I feel my voice rising, “we’ll fight back.”
“You are in anger.” she says, “We can’t bring people back. The gone is gone.” She pulls my arm, “don’t do anything stupid, Samrat.”
“The things seem you stupid seem me right,” I say.
“I’m agreeing with you,” says Daxa, she stops walking and clasps my face in her hands, “but we have nothing to fight back. They are so strong and so fast. We can’t win over them. We can’t fight with the people who are trained to kill and know many different ways to kill. We can’t win who have swords and knives and arrows made of metal” she says, “Don’t you know each Nirbhaya can shoot ten arrows in a minute? They can kill us before we blink our eyes.”
“I know what they can do and what they have. I know we can’t win.” I say, “I believe whatever you said but what if half of them are with us?” I look at her face, “what if Nirbhaya train us to fight?”
“What are you saying?” she is surprised, “do they tell you?”
“Yes,” I say, “two of them have come inside the wall with us.”
“Why didn’t I notice them?”
“They are in our dress code.”
“Where are they?”
“They are with my father. He is taking them to teacher’s hut.”
“For what?”
“To meet him,” I say, “They will teach all the students and people who are ready to fight but we have to do it secretly.”
“Then maybe we can win,” she says.
“We’ll.” I’m not sure but I say. Because how can I tell anyone to fight if I’ve already given up myself. And it’s not my nature to give up without a try. I can’t give up without a try. No matter how hard the things are – no matter how thing the opportunity of winning is I can’t give up.
“Then we will be free?” she says.
“Yes,” I say.
“I don’t know but we should try,” I say, “I want you to join the training, I want you in this.” I ask, “Are you in?”
“I’m in, I was in reading and writing and I’m in whatever you do.” She says.
“Thanks, Daxa,” I say, “we’ve to try. Really try. Because of our people we have to.”
We go silent after that. Daxa looks away, at the silhouette of my people are walking in the moonlight.
I’m sad still the homeland makes feel better. The night is cool. The wind is almost ice. The sky is clear and cloudless. Stars look far and pale but the moon looks closer than usual, too bright, and it paints everything with a silvery glow, like fine white flowers of the forest. The roofs of the huts touched with moonlight look heavenly. Still, the occasional hooting of an owl in the distance panics me.
Fifteen minutes later, when we enter the area of huts I break the silence, “I’m going to Padma's hut?”
Daxa doesn’t answer but stares me.
“I’m…”
She cuts me off, “you should go home.”
“Why?” I ask.
“It’s too late,” she doesn’t look me into eyes, “and you are tired too. You should rest.”
“I just want to see her,” I say, “tell my mother I’ll come before she prepares dinner.”
I turn to the street leading to Padma's hut.
“Samrat,” she clutches my hand.
“What?”
For a second she looks as though she might cry. I feel something is wrong.
“What’s happened to her?” I ask, fearing if something bad has happened at water channel.
She keeps quiet.
“What?” I speak again, this time louder.
She clutches my other hand with her free hand, and in the end, she says only, “she isn’t in the wall,” and then: “she is in the train, going beyond the wall.”
I feel a sharp sting of pain at my chest as though someone has stabbed it with a sharp arrowhead. My stomach cramps but it isn’t hunger.
*
Though I’ve no appetite I take dinner as I don’t want to make my mother disappointed. I can’t dare to refuse her food after months.
When I jump in my cot it doesn’t feel me relaxed. I can’t sleep. I can’t chase away thoughts of Padhma from my mind. I force my eye shut and lay on the bad.
*
I don’t know when tiredness and night have caught me but a nightmare wakes me in the middle of the night.
In it, Padhma is trapped in a ruined building. She and other girls are trapped underground. There are shouting outside the building. People who have gone with her beyond the wall are running helter-skelter. There is Chaos.
Then there is sound at stairs and finally, a teenage girl enters in the basement. She is trying to rescue Padhma and other girls. When she releases girls from basement she says NIRBHAYAS ARE KILLING OUR PEOPLE.
I sit up. I say to myself – DREAMS AREN”T TRUE.
But it doesn’t help. I can’t shake the words Nirbhayas are killing our people. Even in the cold night, I’m sweating.
I understand I won’t be able to go back to sleep. I open the hut door and go out on the premise.
I sit under the tree. My mind is thinking about Padhma. My eyes are looking skyward, directly at the moon and I let the tear flow hot over my cheeks, and down into the ground, and away.
***
to be continue...
