Chapter 1
"Jay, I have this deep desire to live a complete luxurious life. You know what I mean? A fully equipped and well furnished bungalow, garden, two to three cars, driver, servants and foreign holidays. Wow! Wouldn't it be wonderful?"
I kept smiling and my eyes were cemented on her while she took a trip to her fairyland. She looked damn cute whilst she went on and on about her fantasies. Last day of our MBA and we were sitting on the grass under a tree in our college compound. Except for her dangling earrings, she didn't look like a girl from any angle. Jeans folded at the ankle, showing off her socks and canvas shoes. Checkered shirt with rolled up sleeves. Her scarf was knotted in front, while her curly hair was tied up in a messy bun, with loose strains flying lazily and falling on her face every now and then, tempting me to tuck them behind her ears. Sparkling brown eyes and a beauty spot on her left cheek, which I wish to kiss one day. She was a complete tomboy, but I loved her from the bottom of my heart. Taking a deep sigh, I wondered when I'd tell her.
She slapped my arm and squealed, bringing me out of my silent admiration for her.
"Mr. Jay Rajan you are not listening!"
I cleared my throat and sat forward, giving her a lopsided grin.
"Ms. Shikha Sanvi I heard you, but I was thinking of something."
"What?"
"Your dreams are quite king size madam. You think this one life is enough to reach the sky?"
We both belong to middle class families and don't have siblings. I'd known her since graduation days and we went on to do our MBA together. For her I was just a good friend. But for me, she was much more than that. I was head over heels in love with her within six months of our acquaintance. That enthralling love and attraction towards her only grew stronger with the passing years. I'd always known she had huge aspirations, which is exactly why I wanted to achieve something substantial before I proposed to her.
My bantering irritated her and I earned another slap in the process.
"Jay, I'm serious okay! See there are only two ways of reaching my goal."
"And that would be?"
"Either I work hard and gain it myself or..."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Or?"
"Or, I'll marry a big shot who already has all these things. Simple!"
Her talks made me nervous and I bit my lip. She was completely unaware of my feelings and rattled away.
"You know what? The latter sounds more convenient. Yeah! I'll do just that. Find someone who was born with a silver spoon."
I had time. At least two years. Both of us had attained campus employment at reputed firms and were eagerly waiting to join. Now, it was all about working hard and pinching in every penny that I could. I already had some money saved and was planning to invest it wisely.
Exhaling a sigh, I asked her carefully,
"Shikha, is money so important for you?"
I shrugged my shoulders and affixed further,
"I mean, a simple life can also be a good one and deeply satisfying."
She removed her hairband, threaded her fingers through her hair and redid her bun, something which she did very often. She had long hair but I'd never seen it in a braid or left open.
"Jay I agree and disagree with you. Why compromise if I have an option to get the best?"
She patted my leg, showed me her palm and declared,
"See, first let me try. अगर कुछ न बना, फिर तुम तो हो ही। My last resort, my all time saviour."
Her laughter reverberated through me, cracking a frisson in my heart to hear her charitable remark. But like many other previous times, I didn't let it show on my face and covered it with a smile.
Chapter 2
Life moved on. We both became busy, each focused on their own ambitions. Shikha's was her career and hunting down a man with big bucks. Mine was making more money and acquiring my life, my Shikha. We were in touch on a regular basis, phone calls, messages and also through college alumni whatsapp groups. Many times we met at a common friend's party and at others I invited her and we chatted over coffee in the evenings. I strongly believe in "Out of sight out of mind", and I definitely didn't want that to happen with us. Hence I tried my best to keep contact with her.
In spite of all this, she only looked at me as a good friend. Every time we met, we talked about the rest of the world and nothing about us. What could I say? I was still struggling. There wasn't anything to brag about. Making two ends meet is a massive responsibility and I could save only after that, which wasn't enough to fulfill her king-size dreams.
She wanted a bungalow, I lived in a one bhk flat with my mom. She wanted two to three cars and I was commuting on my two wheeler. She wished for a driver and servants, we only had a part time maid. Foreign holidays seemed impossible for me in this lifetime. I could barely afford to go to a nearby hill station.
After one and a half years, one evening we met at a coffee shop. She was looking different. Surprisingly, more Indian and absolutely gorgeous in shalwar kameez, flowing dupatta, kajal, bindi and for the very first time, open hair. I stood up when she walked in and found myself gawking at her boyishly. She came close and patted my arm.
"Jay close your mouth, I know I'm looking different."
A chuckle floated up my throat and we sat down.
"Not just different Shikha, you're looking beautiful."
She shied away which was so contradictory to her bold and confident persona.
"Thank you very much."
We ordered our usual American Latte and she began talking.
"I'm going to the USA."
I felt a pang of disappointment and was tongue tied. I kept looking at her and she informed me further,
"My NRI uncle is paying for the trip and he's invited us for my cousin's wedding."
I didn't know I was holding my breath and sighed a relief inwardly. I thought she was going for good.
I smiled and was happy for her.
"Great! That's nice. For how long are you going?"
"About a month."
But her stay got extended and she was gone for three months instead. I missed her immensely. We would exchange messages here and there and once I dared to call her. I just wished to hear her laughter filled voice.
"Hi."
"Hello Jay. So nice of you to call."
"How are you?"
"Elated! I'm having a blast. It's so heavenly here. I just don't feel like coming back. ऐसा लगता है, यहीं रहे जाऊँ, हमेशा के लिए।"
"ऐसा मत करना, वरना मेरा क्या होगा?"
I joked and wondered if she felt bad, howbeit she laughed and shot back,
"Ha ha as if! Mister, I'm sure I'm just one among many others."
How do I tell her that she's the only one for me?
After she came back, she got way too busy and we hardly met. I thought it was because of her job, maybe she had a lot of catching up to do. One day she called me up and said,
"Jay, can we meet today evening. I'd like to come to your house."
I was very happy. She was coming home for the first time.
"Have dinner with us."
"No Jay, I'll be in a hurry. I'll just stay for a while, then I'll need to go."
"You are such a lovely girl Shikha. Jay has told me so much about you."
My mom was thoroughly impressed and was all praises for her.
"Thank you aunty. Actually I've come to invite you and Jay for my wedding. It's next month."
Moisture evaporated from my throat and my spine locked in place as I froze with her words. She was speaking further of who, what, where and when, nonetheless, I had zoned out completely. I didn't hear a thing after knowing that she was marrying someone else. I felt like a lump of sadness had clawed its way down my throat and stayed there, with no chance of moving. With great difficulty I swallowed down my grief, defeat and frustration. Nobody heard, but my heart broke into a thousand pieces. From where was I supposed to bring the courage to smile and wish her? I excused myself to go bring ice-creams.
Two years flew by in a jiffy. Of course my financial condition was better than before, but still not upto the mark as per her standards. I consoled my pulverized heart with a mini pep talk,
"Jay just because you love her, it doesn't compel her to love you back. And man, if you truly love her, then only pray for her happiness, wherever and with whomever she might be. She wasn't meant for you Jay."
I went back to the living room with the frozen desserts, where Shikha was happily telling mom all about her wedding preparations. Mom glanced at me and understood, but thankfully she kept her words and expressions in check.
When I saw Shikha to the door she spoke up,
"Now you know why my uncle called us to the USA? He's my cousin's best friend, a plastic surgeon. Shaurya had come for my cousin's wedding and we hit it off immediately. He didn't want me to come back and said let's get married within a month."
I jammed my hands in my pockets and kept a fake smile plastered on my face. I couldn't afford to drop the facade. I'll have a lot of time to cry afterwards. A lifetime actually. Just let me keep my feelings dormant for now and control myself.
I kept nodding while she filled me in with her details enthusiastically. She shook her head shyly and said,
"He's crazy about me. I'm on cloud nine Jay! Finally all my dreams are coming true."
At last I managed to say softly,
"Wonderful. I'm really happy for you Shikha."
"सिर्फ हैप्पी से काम नहीं चलेगा मिस्टर, शादी में आना पड़ेगा।"
"Of course. Let me also see who's my winning opponent."
She took it as a joke and laughed.
"Yeah sure. I've told him so much about you and I really want you to meet him."
That was a surprise.
"Jay, Shaurya's a very busy man. Can you believe it, he's coming only three days before the wedding and then we are flying immediately the next day. Otherwise I would have loved the three of us to meet somewhere."
"It's alright. I'll meet him on the wedding day."
"Yes. You know, he's taking me to Paris for our honeymoon."
She was only voicing out her happiness, totally unaware of my tattered state, but her talks were making me feel more and more inferior, as if I was a nobody.
When I went back inside, my mother was wiping her tears. She stood up and wordlessly I went and embraced her. I needed her warmth and maybe some of her sympathy as well. I was totally heartbroken and all hopes of rectifying anything in my life was over. The deadline of my hard-work was here and now I was only left with a shattered heart and empty hands. Her dreams were too big, out of my reach.
My tears wet her shoulder, as mom rubbed my back and consoled me.
"Jay, if you love her so much, why didn't you tell her?"
I exhaled a defeated sign and went and flopped on the couch with my head lowered in my hands.
"She wants all the luxuries in life. सोचा था पहले कुछ बन जाऊं फिर उसे बताउंगा। But I didn't know the expiry date was just round the corner."
Looking around my house, I spread my hands to prove my point.
"What do I have to offer her?"
Mom came and sat next to me.
"But Jay you love her and from the way she was talking, I don't think she's aware of your feelings for her. You should have told her at least once."
I shook my head and disagreed with my mother.
"No mom, it would have been useless. Her goals were very clear from the beginning. She always wanted the best. And that's not me."
Mom persisted,
"Then Jay, you don't understand a woman at all. Maybe she doesn't realise today. But love is the most important thing in a girl's life."
"Maybe."
Chapter 3
If I thought her wedding invitation was grand, then the actual wedding reception was beyond my thinking capacity. It was spread out in a huge playground, embellished with decorations, illuminated with brilliant lights, humming with live orchestra and drone cameras hovering above.
Most of our friends had come together. Nevertheless I opted out giving the excuse that I'd be late. I'm quite a private person and had never discussed my love for Shikha with anybody. Ever since she'd come home to invite us, I wasn't in my right frame of mind. My heart had died a thousand deaths before her special day. Even I was surprised how I managed to drag myself and go to her wedding. Mom didn't join me, she said,
"You truly are a generous man. If I see you both together again, I might not be able to stop my tears. Better you go alone."
Shikha was by far the most beautiful bride I'd ever seen. She was looking like a decked up goddess. I'm sure the jewellery she was wearing was equivalent to my annual salary put together. Shaurya was handsome and impressive looking. Riches dripped from his personality and the way he carried himself.
I, a man on earth, why, why did I have to fall in love with the brightest star in the sky?
I loitered around with my friends and couldn't pick up my feet to go up on the stage to wish her. My heart was in my mouth. Today was the last time I'd see her and then she would be gone, forever. Emotions clogged my throat, and I was on the verge of crying.
"Hey Jay, come on let's go wish Shikha, click some pictures and then have dinner. The variety of dishes is mind boggling and I can't wait to attack them."
Mahesh, the foodie of our gang squealed excitedly.
"You'll carry on, I'll just finish my drink."
I went and got lost in the crowd and was waiting for our group to disappear. I wished to meet her alone and linger there for sometime. From far I could see Shikha making introductions to her new husband. Everyone was laughing and wishing her. I caught her moving her eyes in the crowd as if searching for someone. Our buddies finally stepped down from the stage and I slowly made my way towards her with my gift and the bouquet of flowers. I had bought a gold bracelet for Shikha with her name engraved on it.
I steeled myself in the seconds that it took me to walk to the stage area and climb the couple of steps there. All along I was swallowing my grief and wetting my parched lips with my tongue. My burning chest carried my heavy heart thudding in it, as I went close to her, wearing the best happy expression I could muster in spite of my gnawing insides.
"Finally you're here! I was waiting for you Jay."
She came forward and hugged me, taking me by surprise. For the very the first time I felt her warmth that day and it was heavenly. I closed my eyes to relish the moment and store it to memory. My hands were full and I couldn't return the gesture properly. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Shaurya looking at us with a smile. She unlocked herself from me and turned to him.
"Shaurya, this is Jay, Jay Rajan, a very very good friend of mine."
We shook hands and I gave him the bouquet.
"Congratulations! You're an incredibly lucky man."
"Thank you. Jay, you actually don't need an introduction. She keeps talking so much about you that it's made me a bit jealous."
I couldn't stop the smirk and remarked.
"And I'm wondering who's standing on the other side of the lawn. Definitely not me."
"Smart huh. I like your friend Shikha."
"Shaurya...."
Somebody called and he excused himself taking two steps away from us. Whilst I gave the bracelet to Shikha, I kept my eyes lowered. Tears had welled up in them and I bit my lip. She opened the box and gasped,
"Oh My God! Jay, this is so beau...."
She glanced up at me.
"I'm sorry."
I whispered and quickly averted my gaze. But it was too late. She saw my tears and was flabbergasted. I sniffed and tried to smile, I couldn't.
She was dumbfounded and frantically peered at Shaurya. He was busy talking to someone with his back towards us. She turned to me with shock written all over her expressions and a new realisation sunk in her. I couldn't hide it and for the first time in seven years, she saw my heart on my face. Tension crackled in the air between us. Her voice was barely audible when she asked huskily,
"Jay!!! कभी कुछ कहा क्यों नहीं? Why Jay?"
I kept my tone extremely low, for her ears only.
"I didn't want to say anything now also, sorry, my tears cheated on me."
"But why Jay, seven years..."
"It's okay Shikha. I only want your happiness, even if it's not with me."
She glanced at Shaurya and asked me again,
"Why didn't you say anything before?"
"What could I say? I was trying to come up to your level. I guess, I didn't work hard enough."
"Sorry guys, but that talk was necessary."
Shaurya came back and slipped his arm around Shikha's waist. Shikha and I, we both schooled our expressions, while Shaurya pulled the cameraman's attention to take a picture of us. Whilst I stood next to Shikha, hers and mom's words created a mashed up echo in my ears.
Should I have told her before? If yes, would luck have turned in my favour?
Epilogue
"Mom please! For the last time, I. Do. Not. Want. To. Get. Married. Alright? So please stop asking."
I was about to turn and go inside, but mom held my arms firmly and forced me to look at her.
"How long do you plan to grieve over her? It's been two years now. She's happy in her life and it's high time you also move on."
I exhaled an exasperated sigh and rolled my eyes.
"I have moved on."
"Really? From being an executive assistant to being the vice president? From a one bhk flat to this three bhk apartment? You well know I'm not talking about these financial advancements Jay."
After Shikha left, I pushed myself into work. I'm a responsible man and have an old mother to take care of. Whatever challenges life threw at me, I never thought of indulging in bad habits. My mom has raised me better than that. So God also showered his blessings and we began to see brighter days. Anyway, now without Shikha, everything seems meaningless. But I'm satisfied that at least I'm able to give mom a good life in her old age.
However, I can't bring myself to do what she wants me to do. प्यार है तो है।
"Mom you know I love Shikha and I'll always love only her even if she's not with me."
I was about to leave, but turned again to affix further,
"One more thing mom. I don't want to bring a woman in my life with whom I can't do justice. Please, whether you like it or not, you'll have to accept this aspect about me."
* * * * *
Six months later, one evening, mom had gone in the neighbourhood to her regular satsang and I was stretched out in my lounging chair in our balcony, hands folded on my chest and eyes closed. I was reliving the moment when Shikha had put her arms around me on her wedding day. In the past two and a half years, I've reminisced that moment innumerable times. And each time it filled me with warmth and remorse in equal measure. I can't seem to forget the way she had asked,
"Jay!!! कभी कुछ कहा क्यों नहीं? Why Jay?"
I think I'll have this regret in me till I die. If only, if only I'd told her earlier. A lone tear escaped my eye and just as I was wiping it, the bell rang. I stood up to go open the door, wondering how mom came back before her usual hour.
I opened the door and froze. Shikha! In the few shocked silent seconds that passed between us, I noticed she had become thinner. No make up, no mangalsutra or sindoor and a crestfallen look on her face. She had aged a little and was looking at me with a lot of questions and complaints in her eyes.
"Should we talk here only or can I come in?"
I murmured an apology and stepped aside. She walked in the living room and turned to face me. I was still dazed, but managed to ask her,
"How did you get my address?"
"We live in a digital world Jay. You think it was so difficult?"
Silly question! I simply nodded my head and beckoned her to have a seat. I sat next to her and asked,
"How are you?"
She whispered,
"I'm okay."
"When did you come?"
"It's been a while."
"How's Shaurya?"
We hadn't had any communication in the past years. The manner in which we had departed, there wasn't any room left for future correspondence.
Moving her eyes around, she smiled and said,
"Jay, you've progressed well. Congratulations."
I only smirked and kept quiet. It didn't go unnoticed with me that she sidelined my question about Shaurya. I prayed all was fine in her world. Her haggard appearance worried me and I had to know.
"Shikha, is everything okay?"
She rubbed her palms together and looked at me nervously. Taking a couple of long breaths, she said,
"Jay, I want to tell you something."
I nodded and she began slowly,
"A fully equipped and well furnished bungalow, three cars, driver, servants, foreign holidays and residing in the USA. All the wealth of the world put together could not give me the happiness which I'm experiencing now, here, sitting with you."
She wet her lips and bit them. She was now quiet and was smiling at me. I was totally baffled and didn't know how to digest what she had just confessed.
"Shikha! What are you saying? I....I don't think I understand."
She kept her hand between us on the couch and only then did I see that she was wearing the bracelet, I’d given her. She said gently,
"I could never forget your face and our talk on my wedding day. It kept haunting me all the time."
I maintained silence and allowed her to continue.
"Shaurya was nice to me but he was always so busy, that most of the time I was alone, even during the nights. His on-calls and surgeries kept him away from home. It seemed like the luxuries of our house were sarcastically laughing at my loneliness."
I held my breath and was pondering what to say. What to fathom from her talks, her presence?
"Shikha. What do you mean Shaurya was? What exactly has been happening? Aren't you happy with him?"
She took a deep sigh, as if mustering courage to give out the next piece of information.
"It took some convincing, but he finally agreed and now we are divorced."
"What?!? You can't be serious!"
I couldn't believe if I'd heard her correctly.
"Yes Jay. All this while I was gathering my nerve to come to you."
Was I dreaming? I didn't want to second guess anything. I went blank and only wished for her to fill the gaps in my confusion.
She stood up and came and knelt down in front of me.
"Shikha...!"
I couldn't recognise my own voice. She took my hand in hers.
"Remember, in my wedding you had told Shaurya, I'm wondering who's standing on the other side of the lawn. Jay, today the lawn has come to you. I want a simple and deeply satisfying life with you."
I wasn't in myself. I was wonder struck and still baffled.
"Shikha...!"
"Jay, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I've never missed you so much, as much as I did in these two and a half years. I'm sorry Jay, please forgive me."
Emotions had gripped her and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"Do I still hold a place in your heart? Will you give me a place in your life? Please!"
I didn't bother to hide my tears and let them flow freely down my cheeks. Sniffing, I wiped her tears, cupped her face in both my hands and said lovingly,
"I have some terms and conditions for you."
She looked scared, but said determinedly,
"Anything Jay."
I grinned wickedly and leaned forward to remove her butterfly clip from her messy bun. Her glossy black hair cascaded down her shoulders forming a halo around her beautiful face.
"First condition, always leave your hair down. I love them open."
She smiled a relief and asked,
"Okay Sir, what else?"
Helping her, we both stood up and just as I took her in my arms, it felt as if I was breathing for the first time. As if I was pulled out of some gagged suffocation. I did something which I had done to her only in my dreams. I kissed her beauty spot on the left cheek, pressed my forehead against hers and smiled.
"Love me like I do!"
"For a lifetime Jay! I love you."
Her radiant smile illuminated me, the room and my entire life, as she embraced me in a tight hug.
**********The Beginning**********
Shamim Merchant, Mumbai.
