91-100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence
91. Finding the Best in Others
- I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. —Mother Teresa
Finding the Best in Others My friend Dan Maddux—let’s call him a Meetings Entrepreneur—began a new project just before the Great Recession. His vision was to open a 30,000-squarefoot convention facility in Las Vegas called “MEET.” Though exposed to the ugliest side of life with the financial crisis, he would not let the project fail.
At a time when the financial landscape of the city was a desert, he had the confidence necessary to keep things moving forward. Dan’s first financial partner was unable to continue to fund the project, but Dan and his team stayed the course and found a new banker who really believed in his vision and business plan. Maddux shared with me that “In a good economy anyone can make money. Finding the strength to continue in a down time isn’t easy. I had my doubts early on, but I learned a lot from previous bad situations and I didn’t want to experience it again. I can look back on the year and see it as an education.” I asked him about holding large meetings at a time when most everyone is cutting back, and his response was quintessential: “The real buyers are still there, it’s there, and without the looky-loos, the lower attendance actually makes for a better show because it gives exhibitors the time to focus on their best clients and most likely business contacts.
We count on diversity, and, while many places are finding business going away, we are still doing business as usual, despite what the press may be saying about the demise of Las Vegas.” Vegas is well-positioned for the fastest recovery when compared to its competition. Keeping things in perspective and not allowing the fear to take hold is an important factor in Dan’s success. He also keeps his eye on the future. When he thinks back on how it all happened he remembers that when he first entered the workforce he wasn’t confident, but did have several competencies, which he focused on. Instead of looking at what he didn’t have or what others had more of, he said to himself, “Wow, I’m not ugly or stupid” (messages from childhood).
He realized that he worked twice as hard to keep people from seeing the flaws he thought he had, and realized that he was more creative and resourceful than most. He dropped the idea of being the best at everything, and instead he decided it was okay to find people who had competencies he lacked. “Having someone join me who has a talent I do not have doesn’t threaten me, it enhances me,” says Dan, and the converse is also true: “Some of the best lessons I’ve learned were from people who were the worst human beings possible. I saw bad behaviors and challenged myself to see how I could do it differently. It gave me insight I needed to succeed.”
One of the tools Dan uses is not merely interviewing people for an hour—he takes three, because he believes that anyone can be good for an hour, but you really see who a person is after two or more. “You can do wonderful things with someone who is right,” Maddux says. “If we engage people who are not simpatico and can’t be creative or don’t have good intentions, it can cripple our business, so we only work with individuals who we resonate with and who can rise above their own Finding the Best in Others issues and stay open to getting the best out of people by helping them understand the nature or culture of how we think.” He goes on to say: You can perceive [people] as competent because they are arrogant or bulldozers. Truly competent people don’t have those kinds of behaviors. Those false confidence behaviors are only a mask and you have to learn how to navigate around it, but it’s best to avoid it. I didn’t let those behaviors infect me.
Strangely, I see more of the negative from people who have reached the pinnacle of success rather than those who are starting out. Knowing yourself and how the world perceives you and being aware enough to see how people can make judgments, breaking through to the positive side of things is the best way to win their favor and understanding. People feel a difference when you communicate by seeing what’s whole and good and honest and appreciating it.
I try to guide my people and say that we’re all selling something, so get back to the core of customer service, like a proper greeting. If someone throws you a negative curve, but you are able to focus on the likable qualities, it will make the conversation or the deal much easier for both of you.
Dan recommends to: Try to be nice to everybody, especially to service people or those who are there for your safety, like airline personnel. You never know when you’re going to run into someone who knows you. The higher level you are in more people are watching you, so being your best self will keep others from misunderstanding what you’re about. It’s also wise to learn to discuss uncomfortable issues with a smile on your face, because others are always aware. People love to see other people’s train wrecks, and I don’t want anyone to see us as anything but a comprehensive team.
If you really want to read people, don’t judge them when they have the floor; look at them when they are relating without attention from other people. You will then know who they really are and can delve into what’s important, and [that] will help you get the most out of them. Dan’s advice is an important piece in the development of self-confidence. He has won several awards because of his accomplishments as well as his understanding of people at all levels of business and society.
92. Act “As If”
- You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself. —Zig Ziglar
Act “As If” Acting as though life is already going your way can be a great psychological tool for building confidence. It allows you to physically and emotionally feel success in your body. You also send out a vibe others pick up. We’ve all heard the clichés “Fake it ’til you make it” and “See it then be it,” and as with all old sayings they must have come from someone’s (and then many people’s) experience.
Hey, if it works, why not give it a try? I think it’s easy to confuse “acting as if ” and being a phony. “Acting as if ” doesn’t mean that you pretend to be something you’re not and rack up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. It is about using the power of your emotions to get things in your life flowing in the direction you would like them to. For example, if you want to be an executive, start behaving like one.
Dress in appropriate business attire, get up early and plan your day, make the necessary prospecting and follow-up phone calls—even though you may be doing it all from your home office. Quite simply, acting as though you have a full-time job will make it easier for you to get one because you’re used to putting in a full day and behaving as a success. In addition, you are putting to use the “power of intention,” which was reprised to the world in the best-selling book The Secret and championed by New Thought leaders such as Dr. Wayne Dyer. Intention refers to keeping your goal in mind as part of your daily routine. The best way to do that is to constantly keep a mental picture in your mind and in your heart of what you want and where you want to be.
I believe that the emotional component is the most important part, because this process creates a type of imprinting on your brain, which makes it easier to reach your goals because they will feel completely natural.
Imagine feeling as though you are supposed to be in the corner office—not in an entitled way, but in the way you act when you are feeling truly self-confident about who you are. It’s an inner knowing that can only come from trusting your intuition and believing in yourself. That quiet confidence may be more powerful than an MBA when it comes to getting to where you want to go.
93. Change Your Thinking
- Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. —John Wooden
Changing the way you think can be very healthy. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a painful loss, such as suddenly being laid off or having your partner leave you, to do it. After something of that magnitude occurs, you are compelled to look at your life differently. Making a significant transformation in your life, such as getting clean and sober, also requires the rewiring of your thought processes.
Change Your Thinking What happens then is you create new, more positive pathways in your brain, and that changes the way you think and feel for the better because you then process your thoughts and emotions in an alternate manner. If you try to ignore the changes in your thinking, you will not be able to sustain your transition, bring in new relationships, or open up new opportunities. These adjustments are only possible if you find the will to look at life from a different perspective. Understanding that your old way of thinking may actually be holding you back can be a big motivator.
Making the choice to create a better life for yourself and for those you love is something that comes from being self-confident and knowing that it’s time to make an adjustment. And even if it is a very personal action, it inevitably involves others, especially when it is something like changing the way you communicate or learning how to fight fairly and controlling your temper, which may require some instruction or counseling. If you want to make a change, the support of friends and family can be critical. Set aside some time to reinforce your relationships so that you can get the assistance you desire.
You may need to risk asking some difficult questions if you want to get clarity about what your loved ones see in you. People who are alone can find it much more difficult to make mental and emotional shifts. Once you discover that your old way of being is no longer working, and you’re struggling to figure out how to change, a support group can be helpful. The folks there can assist you by explaining and modeling new behaviors, and you can also learn things about yourself that may be difficult to see without an outside perspective.
Just be aware that not everyone in every group has it together, and you need to be careful in selecting people to sponsor or mentor you. Most of us know that life is full of changes. We usually adapt pretty well to things around us—or even other people—changing. It can be a lot harder when we are the ones who need to make the move to a new way of living our lives. Trust that you did not come to this decision lightly. Even if it’s something you initially didn’t want to do, once you see the necessity, it will be easier to get on board.
Whatever your needs are, remember that it all starts with you, and making important changes is truly a gift you are giving to yourself and to the ones who care for you.
94. Rituals of Achievement
- The human race advances only by the extra achievements of the individual. You are the individual. —Charles Townes
The caps and gowns are pressed, the diplomas are printed, and families are gathering from around the country to celebrate as their loved one steps into aRituals of Achievement new world. Graduating from high school, college, or another educational program is both a culmination of time well spent and a beginning of the next stage of life. Receiving that diploma is one of the most confidenceboosting experiences anyone can have. Rituals of achievement have always been around in one form or another. Whether spiritually or educationally, the day someone leaves one world and enters another is something to be celebrated. Graduations are an important rite of passage. Taking that walk, receiving a degree, and slowly reading every word printed on it gives you or your child a sense of pride that can be truly life-changing.
To have embarked on and completed such a challenging journey is an experience that will serve anyone through the rest of her life. Some who are graduating will be leaving the nest. As a parent, you may want to encourage your children to take stock of what it took to get them there by reminding them to reflect on the past as they look toward the future.
If your kids (or you) are graduating from college, they are now officially becoming adults. Most will enter the workforce, some will go on to graduate school, and others will choose to travel. In some way, they are all moving to another level in their lives. It’s both exciting and scary. I think we have two jobs as parents. The first is to teach our children to be kind to one another. The second is to teach them how to live without us. And sometimes life itself is not so kind.
All parents hope for the same things at their child’s graduation: They hope that their children have learned how to deal with this complicated thing we call life; they hope that their children are at least somewhat prepared to be let loose into the real world, where they will be making their own decisions and reaping the results. Graduation is a time that is full of hope, and it’s important to acknowledge this moment. I suggest celebrating your child’s graduation as a family event. Make it a shared experience you will all remember the rest of your lives. Life doesn’t give us that many opportunities to relish in something that is almost always joyful. Any time you get a chance to create a wonderful memory, take it.
One final tip: Whenever you or anyone you care for receives a diploma, whether it be from elementary or graduate school, have it nicely framed as soon as possible and get it up on the wall. It will serve as a reminder of a significant accomplishment and as an inspiration to accomplish more. A friend of mine called to invite me to her son’s graduation—from kindergarten. The whole clan is flying in. Even though this may seem a little over the top, any time a loving family can get together and share in a celebration of achieving a goal, it strengthens the ties that bind. And that in itself is a confidence-builder.Feelings Aren’t Facts
95. Feelings Aren’t Facts
- When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion. —Dale Carnegie
Emotions are at the core of our motivation and our confidence, and they are why we continue on with life even in the face of disappointment or disaster. You may know many emotional people, and you may be one yourself—it’s not a bad thing. Moreover, as a psychotherapist (and a human being), I believe that emotions are a good thing. Throughout the years many of us learn to accept, enjoy, understand, and trust our feelings. After all, it worked very well for Luke Skywalker.
And who would want to give up all those warm fuzzies? The problem is that sometimes we only feel the cold prickly ones, those that are scary or painful, and that undermines our sense of self. Understanding that it is possible that our own emotions are not telling us the truth helps with the healing. Upon occasion some people get a feeling that isn’t real. They may think it’s real, it may feel very real, and he or she may truly believe it’s real, but it’s just a feeling. It is wise to remember that, as important as emotions are, feelings aren’t facts. Many things make us feel. Some are happening right now, others are from our past, and some things that cause many people to be destabilized are in the uncertain future. Still other emotions are mere fantasies, lies we tell ourselves that make us needlessly unhappy, or misunderstandings. There is no end to the amount of feeling (both positive and negative) that flows through our lives on a daily basis; the trick is to learn how to differentiate between feelings that are born out of our imagination and those that are real and verifiable.
Just because your boss or your partner looked at you in a funny way or spoke with a sharp tone doesn’t mean that he is mad at you. He could be rushed or having a bad moment, or you could be misinterpreting the message. Unfortunately, you could have misinterpreted and be feeling horrible about an imagined negative outcome. Then you can walk around for days thinking that you are in trouble or that your life, as you know it, is over. It doesn’t have to be that way. The best thing to do when you are feeling as though something isn’t right is to check it out. Don’t sit on it, push it down, or try to ignore it; your emotions won’t cooperate. Sometimes the only way out is by getting into the feelings and first looking at how you might be creating them.
Combine that with some gentle (not accusatory) questioning of the person or people who you believe may be the cause. Look for truth and be open to see how it’s possible that your feelings may not be accurate. Of course, it can also be helpful to get an outside perspective from someone you trust is on your team, and from whom you can hear the truth. It can be as simple as asking, “Are we okay?”Taking Risks Shows Strength This process isn’t an easy one, but it is far less painful than living your life feeling as though your world is crashing in on you.
96. Taking Risks Shows Strength
- You’ll always miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. —Wayne Gretzky
Keep your expectations low and you won’t get disappointed—but you won’t get much else either. Yes, it’s emotionally safer to have preferences instead of expectations, or not to expect much from yourself or others, but what does that really get you?
Dealing appropriately with disappointment is different from setting yourself up for them. A setup might be auditioning for American Idol when you’ve never successfully performed for the public: Not only will you be disappointed, but you could also be humiliated in front of millions of people (which might lead you to seeking solace in the bottom of a HaagenDazs container).
Appropriately dealing with disappointment doesn’t mean you can’t sulk a little; it’s natural to reevaluate after a disheartening experience. It also doesn’t mean you have to suck it up and put on a happy face when you feel like crawling into a hole. It does mean that you have to learn from your encounter and take steps to make the next one better. It also helps to keep things in perspective, which may mean simply believing that there will be a next time.
What you have to remember is that when you put yourself out there, whether it be for love or performing in front of the world, you are taking the risk of your “audience” not responding the way you would like. You also have to remember that few people take risks, and being able to do so says something wonderful about you. A brave person is not one who rushes into battle without the thought of serious injury or death; it’s the one who is frightened but marches forward anyway. That is true courage. It may take a good friend or a loved one to point out to you that, even though things didn’t go quite how you would have liked, you have accomplished something huge and should be proud of yourself.
The problem for some people is that, if their dream doesn’t work out the first time they try for it, they usually settle for something less. That may not be a bad thing; a good experience is worth its weight in gold— but a great experience is priceless.
Moreover, if you don’t at least reach for the brass ring, you will always wonder what life might have been like had you made the attempt, and succeeded. So don’t settle, and don’t give up.The Sum Total
97. The Sum Total
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
You are the sum total of your experiences, and the end result of your time here on Earth could be far different from what you imagine. Whether you believe you are headed for greatness or anonymity, life has a way of making you change your direction despite anything and everything you do to stop it. Self-confident people understand that there are inevitable twists and turns on the road to creating what you want.
They learn to go with the flow and not give too much significance to any one particular event. That’s a pretty enlightened view, one that is practical and does work. All you have to do is learn the technique (and continue to practice) and you will be able to change your thinking pattern. If you see yourself as a failure because you’ve been divorced, fired, or in some other way summarily dumped, it has to be looked at as one event and not a prison sentence.
Just because one person or company didn’t want you doesn’t mean that several others won’t. Again, it’s just plain common sense, but we do like to wallow in our losses, and that act just erodes your selfesteem like rust on a garden tool. Train your brain to think about something that inspires you every time you recognize that you are thinking about something that holds you back. This simple action will change your life and the way you look at it. Another tool you can use when your mind wanders into dangerous waters is to focus on what you do best.
Whether it’s playing golf, running a company, or just running your mouth, start giving your talent focus. You will instantly begin producing chemicals (such as serotonin) in your brain that will lighten your mood and help you create a more confident mindset. Just because you have lost the game a few times doesn’t mean you can’t make a comeback, no matter how late in the season. Self-confidence gives us the ability to keep forging ahead, even if we’ve had a bad year—or even several of them.
98. Try Puppy Love
- You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. —Robert Louis Stevenson
A couple of years ago I started looking for a new partner in my counseling practice—I wanted to rescue and train a therapy dog. I know of a very few respected therapists who practice with their dogs to add a broader scope to their work, and the idea has merit. For someone in emotional distress who is unable to open up and let the pain out, being in the presence of a furry and unconditionally loving creature can be very helpful. In addition, there are a number of organizations with volunteers who escort gentle and friendly animals to convalescent homes and hospitals. These loving creatures bring real emotional healing to those who are infirm.
I was a bit hesitant about this adoption, knowing the pros and cons (such as replacing the carpet and never again having matching slippers). But the pros won out; the dog could help my clients. I also liked the idea of having someone to take walks with when no humans were available. This little bundle of fluff has brought a new dimension of love into my life and into the lives of everyone she touches. I don’t bring her to every session, because for some people it’s not appropriate (such as those who are allergic or canine-phobic), but I’d be hard-pressed to even think of being without her. Even my 15-year-old cat has accepted the little Yorkshire terrorist. When I tell Mercy that she’s going to work, she gets very excited. When she gets together with people she’s Try Puppy Love familiar with, it’s like they have never been separated. She sits in their lap or at their feet, simply adding comfort where she can.
I recently met an elderly woman who was walking her little Yorkie, and, as the doggies sniffed each other, she told me that instead of sending flowers after her husband died several years ago, her children all chipped in and got her a puppy, along with a cell phone. She was concerned at first, but having to care for the dog helped her to heal and made her take walks, and now the dog is her constant companion. She says it saved her life and gave her the confidence to move forward, even though the future was uncertain. The bond we share with animals is amazing. For some, it even replaces the need for human companionship: Think of the little old lady with a house full of cats or the bachelor with his faithful dog. Years ago, I heard about an aging couple who committed suicide together after the loss of their pet—a tragic decision; instead, they could have rescued an animal that would have rescued them right back. In many ways, caring for an animal makes you more human. Doing it as a family teaches your children responsibility and helps everyone involved experience the circle of life. So, if someone you care for wants to bring a sock stealing poop machine into your world, give it some thought. The truth is, we can always replace shoes, but we never seem to have enough love in our lives.
99. Ointment
- The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. —Benjamin Franklin
Recent research by The Journal of Happiness Studies discovered that men and women differ greatly in their happiest—and therefore most confident—years. The survey concluded that men tend to be less happy when they are younger when women are at their happiest.
Then, when we turn 48, so do the tables. Men tend to get happier as they age, and women tend to become less so. Makes you wonder if the genders will ever be on the same page for more than a nanosecond. Although I believe that happiness is an inside job, and that we are all responsible for our own, it does make sense that, with the passage of time, things change. For lots of men older than 50, reaching material goals (having the confidence of security and a few toys) equals happiness, whereas many women of the same age will say that they were at their happiest being On the Same Page... maternal, confident that they were fulfilling their purpose as a mother. Some women would argue that the reason they are less happy as they mature is because of the men they are with.
One man interviewed on ABC News inappropriately suggested that it might be hormones. Although it is true that our brains produce the chemicals that create happiness (and if those systems are out of whack, a joyful existence can be elusive), neither gender has to be a victim of age or biology. Not everyone reaches the same level of happiness; some people are just naturally more inclined to be happy. Just as with mental abilities or physical attributes, some of us have it, and some of us don’t. But you do have some additional power to exert in the happiness area, if you choose to use it. If you are not happy, find out what it is that makes you feel joyful and go after it.
Don’t divorce, have an affair, or quit your job today, but give the matter some serious thought, and first try to work with what you have. List the pros and cons: Think about what life would really be like alone or what other kind of job you could do (or merely get). If you find family more fulfilling than work, create ways to be closer to those you love. If you believe that “he who dies with the most toys wins,” then go get yours. Just remember that you can’t do it at someone else’s expense. Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD, former professor of Harvard’s most popular class (“Positive Psychology”) and author of Happier, believes that being grateful for what we have, helping others, and building meaningfu Quick Reminders... relationships are the keys to happiness.
He also tells us that happiness comes from moving toward our goals and by filling our days with meaning and pleasure. I truly believe that happiness is available to us all, no matter what our age, gender, or circumstances, but, as with most things of value in life, you have to work at it.
100. 10 Quick Reminders to Boost Your Self-Confidence
- Confidence is my favorite antidepressant. —Barton Goldsmith, PhD
Confidence is within us all, but sometimes, when the world is throwing you constant curve balls, it can get lost. Try using these tools the next time you are feeling less confident than you might like.
1. Realize that self-confidence is not difficult to acquire. But if you don’t have enough, it can make succeeding in life hard. All you need are desire and persistence. A person grows whenever he or she thinks, contemplates, and dreams. Your ideas, reflections, and even random thoughts can build your self-confidence, but you have to be aware of them to get the full benefit.
2. Do something for someone else. Helping others lets you know that you are a good person and that you can use what you know in a positive way. The feeling that you get from giving to those less fortunate is priceless.
3. Find the confidence that lies somewhere within. Knowing that you are a person of honor and integrity keeps you on a purposeful and positive path. Those who have a strong moral fiber are generally confident people.
4. Act “as if.” Acting as though life is already going your way can be a great psychological tool for building confidence. It allows you to physically and emotionally feel success in your body. You also send out a vibe that others pick up.
5. Find a mentor. If you didn’t have the kind of parenting that helped you develop selfconfidence, it’s not too late. Find someone you respect, in a field you can love, and ask that person to be your mentor. Most people are flattered by the request and will do what they can to help you.
6. Take good care of yourself. Stay healthy, exercise, keep your energy high, and reward yourself appropriately for your achievements.
If you are healthy, you can accomplish anything. If you are not, mere survival can be a challenge. Being fit is very important to your confidence and your physical well-being. Exercise is your easiest, most accessible, and cheapest form of antidepressant. So don’t just sit there and read about how good it is for your psyche as well as your body. Get up and get moving.
7. Experience. Having been there (and gotten the T-shirt) lets you know that you can go there again and again. Even if it has been years, most things in life are like riding a bike: You may be a little unsteady when you first try again, but the ability returns quickly. Remember that knowledge is power.
If you get educated, and really learn what you are taught, no human being can throw you off track, because your connection to what you know is solid. 8. Keep a confidence journal. The process is elegant in its simplicity: Just write down five things you feel confident about. If you do it on a daily basis, journaling changes the way you think and feel.
The best time is just before bed because the gratitude will flow into your subconscious as you sleep. Not only will you awake a bit more confident, but you will also be a tad happier. 9. Build a support structure. Support groups have been around much longer than psychotherapy. Medicine men would gather together and share their latest 10 Quick Reminders... tools, the women of ancient tribes looked after one another and the children, and individuals were allowed to seek council from the chief when required. If you don’t have friends, family, or coworkers who support you emotionally, join a group or form one of your own. 10. Monitor your thinking. Of the gazillion thoughts we have a day, research has determined that 80 percent are negative. Science also tells us that we remember the negative because doing so was hard-wired into our DNA: We had to remember where the tar pits were so we wouldn’t fall into them. Times are different now, and our thinking process has to evolve as well. Think positive thoughts. Getting started may be the hardest part, so I suggest that now is the time to use these tips to turn things around. Make the effort, and you will feel the change sooner than you think. These tools work, but don’t try to do all of them at once. Spend a few days working on one that resonates with you, and then try another. By doing so, you will feel more confident and much better about your life very soon. Learn how to rebuild and maintain your self-esteem; it is essential to having a fulfilled life. Things that make us question whether we are good enough-----
The End
Thanks All
Ashish Shah
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