81-90 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidencel
81. Recognize Your Abilities
- If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. —Vincent Van Gogh
The number-one motivator of people is recognition. Saying to a teammate that you recognize her efforts to make your working relationship great is the best motivator you could give to her. Letting someone you love know that he has added to your life by being himself is one of the highest compliments you can pay. Many people fall short by not giving some of that recognition to themselves as well. If we could only realize who we truly are and give ourselves credit for being our best selves. This is especially important when we’re not feeling it. Once you know what you’re capable of, it’s hard to feel good when you fall short, but you have to keep those setbacks in perspective.
Truly confident people recognize that they have succeeded in the past and still have the ability to do it again—and will. Knowing that you have talent and really taking that in will help you get through almost any situation. Believing in yourself requires that you are able to recognize what your abilities are and pat yourself on the back for having them. This isn’t ego-tripping; it’s a necessity for integrating confidence-boosting behaviors into your thought process and lifestyle.Determination Is the Key So the next time you have a win, do something you’re proud of, or make a good point, silently recognize that you have done well, and feel good about it. It makes you better at being your best self.
82. Determination Is the Key
- I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. —Buckminster Fuller
Life is difficult, and the greatest accomplishments are filled with the greatest rewards precisely because they are difficult. In practicing determination, you will develop your abilities to not only deal with the adversity in front of you, but also to thrive while you are doing it. Psychologist Dr. Stephen Trudeau says it this way: “We need determination to keep at it when there is resistance to our efforts.” And he should know; in addition to being a busy therapist he is also the author of The Special Needs of Parenting, which was inspired by his and his wife Mary’s joys and challenges with their son Devin, who has cerebral palsy.
I admire Dr. Trudeau for many reasons. He and Mary knew that their son wouldn’t be “normal,” and they were even told that he would never know their names or be able to communicate, and that he wouldn’t be able to live a full life. But they were determined to have their baby and make the best of it. The early years were a huge struggle, with multiple surgeries, which continue to this day. It has to be one of the hardest things in the world, watching your child in pain and frightened by hospitals, doctors, shots, and all those strange tests.
This family hung together, and their love has grown along with their determination to provide a future for their son. Today, Devin is an active pre-teen who, though he must use a walker, totally takes life as it comes. Though he can’t play sports with other kids, he is able to ride in his dad’s motorcycle’s sidecar, and it does get its fair share of attention. When they come to Uncle Barton’s, Devin likes to walk up and down the stairs, and, though he takes his time, he is determined to make it on his own, and he does. He’s still a kid and is as obstinate as they all can be. He’s also learned not to see his handicap as a stop sign.
Devin figures out ways around obstacles, and sometimes that requires a little assistance from an adult, but he holds his own. He has even mastered piloting an electric boat and takes his captain’s duties very seriously, making sure everyone remains seated and there’s no horseplay. The determination to keep going in the face of multiple challenges has helped the whole family.
You can call it whatever you like, but the point is that, despite the setbacks, this family is thriving in the face of difficulty. Their confidence is strong, as is their bond. When aGive Up Lying person is determined, a lot can be accomplished. When a family shares that determination as part of their value system the positive results are multiplied. If your confidence is shaken because you or members of your family are struggling, take heart in the Trudeaus’ story. You need to believe that no matter what you are facing you have the determination and the confidence to get through it, and lead a full and fun life.
83. Give Up Lying
- I cannot tell a lie...I did it with my little hatchet. —George Washington
Not many among us willingly admit to lying. So why give it up? Because lying robs us of our dignity. When we lie, we may feel we have gotten out of trouble or impressed somebody with our tale, but all we have really done is erode our own self-esteem and confidence. By lying we attack our own credibility with our words and deeds. Lying comes in many forms. Defensive lying is meant to keep us from taking responsibility, or for getting us out of trouble.
There are also lies meant to embellish the truth to make us appear more impressive or involved than we are. Perhaps the most common form is lying to avoid hurting others’ feelings. Too bad we are so creative about how many ways we can be untruthful. Sometimes our lies, untruths, and embellishments come back to haunt us. As the lies build so does the need to keep lying to support the original lies. Soon enough one is caught in a web so sticky that the pressure of all the lies is strangling. When you start to feel that you have told too many lies, it’s time to come clean. It is also wise to remember here that confession can be good for the soul. But what is a lie?
Many people use, as an operating definition, something similar to not telling the truth, or telling an untruth. But these definitions are left over from the simplistic explanations of our childhood. The best description of a lie I have ever heard is this: telling an untruth or omitting the truth to someone who deserves to know the truth. Who decides who deserves to know the truth? You do. You do this by being honest with yourself and being dedicated to living an ethical life.
Trust me, you can do this. Let me give an example of this concept in action. If a stranger asks me how much money I have in the bank, I am under no obligation to tell him, because he does not deserve to know the truth. It is none of his business. However, if my wife asks me where I spent my afternoon this past Friday after work, I tell her exactly what, why, where, and with whom because she does deserve to know the truth, and I love her.
People often bring up the circumstance of needing to tell a “white lie,” and it should be obvious that there is no need to be so truthful that you hurt other people.Give Up Lying If my grandmother is wearing an ugly dress that she is very proud of, I will tell her she looks lovely, because it serves no useful purpose to destroy her good feelings. Get rid of the lies about how magnificent, athletic, lucky, or amazing you are. Believe it or not, exactly who you are is interesting enough. Besides, most people don’t believe you anyway. Bragging lies and embellishments are usually pretty obvious.
Stick to the honest truth about yourself, and you might be surprised how much people like the actual you! Lying creates unneeded stress. Developing the habit of telling the truth is liberating. By not having to waste precious brain space on remembering which lies and embellishments were told to whom, you begin to feel more calm, relaxed, and less stressed. Getting rid of the defensive lie is the most liberating of all. When you are caught or cornered by not living up to your employment contract, then the best defense is to admit your mistake and vow to take corrective action immediately.
When we lie defensively to cover up our errors, sooner or later it catches up with us. Better to be known not as the perfect person, but rather the person who has flaws but is willing to change them. By getting rid of the lies in your life, you will gain a sense of peace and confidence—the confidence in knowing that you have nothing to hide, nothing to fear. You will sleep very well with no lies on your conscience. This chapter was coauthored by Dr. Stephen Trudeau
84. Sticks and Stones
- No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. —Eleanor Roosevelt
What others think of you is none of your business, and you should not allow it to influence your self concept. Being dispassionate when it comes to critical comments (or rumors) from those around you is a great tool for success and maintaining your self-confidence. The reality here is that no two people can live or work together without occasionally stepping on each other’s toes. If someone does you wrong, it most likely wasn’t intentional, and if it was, that could be a signal that you may need to move on, or at least get some kind of coaching or counseling. If you allow yourself to get twisted by the uninformed or just plain unkind words of a person who could be either jealous or insecure, your life will become unpleasant, and your confidence level will drop like a stone. Remember what your mom said when you were teased as a child: consider the source. And then there’s the old “sticks and stones” line.
The truth is that the negative things people may say about you come from their own discomfort and inner turmoil. If someone is acting in a passive-aggressive manner in order to get your goat (or make you look bad) and you let her know she has gotten to you, it will encourage her to do it again. By ignoring her inappropriate and inaccurate comments or actions, you Sticks and Stones take away her power.
Personally I think of such people as troubled souls, and simply move on. People in a position of power are generally aware of these bad behaviors in the workplace, and take blamers and rumor mongers with a large grain of salt. But if you let them affect your performance or mood, you can confuse those around you. I know it can be a real challenge to not get offended or angry at a person who has said or done something that caused you pain, but by taking this advice you are actually protecting yourself in the event that any other similar incidence should occur. You also build your inner strength and reinforce your self-confidence by responding rather than reacting to a remark.
Refraining from showing your ire at being offended is a sign that you’re above it. Projecting that kind of self-esteem will make you immune to the inappropriate, critical comments of those who would like to see you fail. It then becomes a waste of their time and energy. If you just let negative comments roll off your back, the offender will stop. If the behavior continues, a oneto-one discussion is in order, but if that doesn’t work, bring in a third party from outside of your relationship or job. I believe that you can choose the best course of action based on the seriousness of the offense, but don’t go for the throat because that lowers you to the offender’s level.
By maintaining your dignity and not allowing yourself to become offended, your self-confidence remains intact, you keep your focus, and you maintain the respect of those around you. And I truly believe that is your best course of action.
85. Tiny Bright Spots
- To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in our private heart is for all men—that is genius. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes all we need to get through a difficult time is tiny bit of brightness in our lives—getting that parking place right in front of the store, unexpectedly finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your jeans, or seeing a wisp of joy in the eyes of a loved one. Little things like these can make a big difference in your day. It may be hard to hold on to the feeling for long, but that’s okay. If you’re going through a rough patch, it’s quite healthy for you to come out of it for just a minute or two.
We all know that staying stressed or depressed is not good for our well-being, so just allowing yourself to experience a positive emotion, even momentary happiness in the midst of chaos, will help you maintain some energy and get you closer to healing your issue. If you take a break from your troubles, even a very small one, you can’t help but look at things differently.
Yes, the problem will still be there, but it won’t be as overwhelming as it was. Knowing that you can smile or have a laugh while you’re battling your demons is very Tiny Bright Spots empowering. But often, those moments are elusive, so you have to get good at looking for them. People who have pets they love can usually get a few seconds of lightness by seeing their animals happy. Whether at rest or play, our four-legged friends can give us a little lift in even the darkest times.
I have recommended that many people rescue a dog or cat because I know that, in almost all cases, the person benefits as much as (if not more than) the pet. Going for a walk or looking at a picturesque view, even if you have to drive to a place you find inspiring, is very healing. While taking your constitutional, look around and absorb as much of the beauty as you can. Making the effort to fill your mind and heart will help you see that, although it may be a dark time, there are rays of sunshine out there. When little things go well, when we are in the company of friends and family, or when we accomplish even a small task, our psyche gets a positive charge that can help us lighten up. Finding ways to brighten your life is something all of us can get better at. Don’t fool yourself; everyone (even Oprah) goes through difficult times. Those of us who are practiced at it have learned to celebrate the small victories. Finding those tiny bright spots may not seem like much, but give it a try and be open to being lifted out of your pit. It can only happen one step at a time.
86. Dealing With Disappointment
- Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. —Jim Fiebig
Sometimes things just don’t work out. In your world, Murphy’s Law may seem to be the way of things, and you feel disillusioned with your life and perhaps yourself. Dealing with disappointment is something most people don’t think self-confident people ever have to cope with. The real truth is that everyone deals with disappointment differently; those who embrace confident behaviors may not be thrown off course as easily as someone who has a fair amount of self doubt. The good news is that anyone can learn how to get better at handling disappointment, and as you do, the secondary benefit is that you increase your self-confidence. For the disappointed, their reactions can be anything from taking to their beds for days on end (not terribly practical if you have a life), to perhaps getting down on themselves and stifling their productivity. When you take a disappointment and turn it against yourself, or blame yourself for it, the results are going to be emotional pain and a loss of energy. We all need to find our own ways of coping with life when things don’t go in the direction we want them to. From failed relationships to missed business Dealing With Disappointment opportunities or financial losses, this is the stuff life is made of. If you pull the covers up over your head, you’ll never have the opportunity to use your disappointment to get to the next level, or at the very least, to learn from it.
An aware individual feels the normal sadness that accompanies a setback; a self-confident one lets the feelings out constructively, and also makes a plan to help himself feel better. This usually involves some kind of emotional or physical release such as working in the house or yard, seeing a therapist, exercising, or anything that allows one to let go and thereby process his feelings. This is followed by some kind of action to help balance out the dissatisfaction. You may not be able to fix the initial disappointment, but you can put energy into other things and make yourself feel better by getting something constructive accomplished.
No matter what is going on in your world, cleaning out your sock drawer, pruning the roses, or writing the next great American novel is going to make you feel better about yourself and your situation. Disappointment takes the wind out of our sails. You can sit, becalmed, in the middle of your regret, or you can choose to get out your paddle and start working your way to shore. Whether you end up on a deserted island or a tropical paradise I can’t say.
But staying where you are will surely turn you into fish food, so the only real choice is to start rowing. Being momentarily disenchanted with your circumstances is totally human. Staying in that place is a choice—pure and simple. I would rather fail a hundred times than never try. Life is too short to live with disappointment, and there are so many ways to make things happen. You can do it.
87. Perfection Will Come in Time
Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks. —Goethe
When people ask me how to write, I tell them to just throw up on paper. That may be a little graphic, but the idea is just to write down what’s in your head.
Getting it out on paper may lead you in a new direction, give you additional material you didn’t even know you had, and also make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. Having an entire page filled with your words is a great confidence-builder. Experience has taught me that the best way to get something done is just to sit down and get started. When I begin, I’m not striving for perfection; I just want to reach the finish line. Not every chapter is brilliant, but the good news is that I can refine it later if I like—that’s what editing is for. The important thing for me is to write as often as possible.
The old saying about slow and steady winning the race works in my world, and it can in yours as well. The difference here Perfection Will Come in Time is that I’m not worried about how I look while I’m heading toward my goal because I know I can tune things up later.
I began my writing career with a monthly column, and then I started writing a different weekly column. At first I was worried that I couldn’t pull off writing two columns, but after a little while it became part of my routine. Then I took on my first book project.
It was a bit of a challenge, but I was able to integrate the work into my day, and now I actually look forward to my “writing hour.” You are currently reading the fourth book I’ve written using this process. The idea is to learn that getting started is the second hardest part—staying on task for many days in a row is much more challenging. And needing perfection right off the bat will slow you down to a crawl.
To get things rolling, it works best to lay out a framework or outline and some kind of a time line. Stick to it as much as possible, and don’t worry about getting everything right the first time around. Just make sure you give yourself enough space to refine your work if necessary. Some people are talented enough that their first attempts are usually pretty good. Even if that’s not you, remember that the more you try the better you are going to get. Don’t get me wrong; I love perfection, I just don’t need it on my first attempts. Going for perfection impedes creativity.
Give your project your whole heart and mind, and whatever comes out is going to be quality work, and it’s also going to be something you will be proud of.
88. Don’t Allow Age to Intimidate You
- As a man grows older it is harder and harder to frighten him. —Jean Paul Richter
I saw a sign at Knott’s Berry Farm when I was a teenager that read, “Don’t regret growing older; there are few people who have that privilege.” I have always remembered it and kept it as part of my value system. It helps me enjoy my time on the planet with few regrets, and also gives me a confident attitude about the future. Everybody had to be born sometime, and if you don’t like your age, that negativity will trickle down into other areas of your life and chip away at your self esteem. Look, you are who you are, and you are the age you are. Accepting that is the only way to have a fulfilled life. If you mourn your youth, you don’t get to savor the moment, the confidence that comes with experience, or the wisdom that accompanies age.
James Taylor once sang, “The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time,” and I couldn’t agree more. I’m sure there’s more than one secret, but this one’s a goodie.
If you can’t love each day, and squeeze as much out of it as you are able, then you will go to sleep with regrets and wake up with anxiety. Trusting that you are in the right place, at the right age, with the right people will give you more joy and confidence than a room full of self-help CDs.Trying Too Hard I don’t want to be a dysfunctional old man. I want a “good enough” quality of life. I say it that way because I know that age can have some drawbacks, and I hate being disappointed, so I like to keep my expectations reasonable.
I imagine I will have a few physical issues, and they may slow me down, but I won’t let them stop me. Besides, isn’t slowing down the best way to see the world around you? The truth is that no one gets out of here alive, and you just have to choose to make the best of where you are right now. If you don’t, the joy you could be feeling will turn into woulda-shoulda-couldas, and you will be emotionally uncomfortable, no matter what your age. Be who you are and what you are. I love seeing men wear T-shirts that say things like “Old Guys Rule!” Not only are the dudes sporting them taking life with a grain of salt and saying “I may be older, but I don’t act like it,” but they also have the sense of humor necessary to get them out of bed every day. I know too many people whose lives, loves, and careers didn’t begin until they were in their 40s or 50s, and they’re getting way more out of the second half of life. Please know that you could also be that person.
89. Trying Too Hard
- We can disagree, without being disagreeable. —Barack Obama
Confidence has to come from a positive place, not from insecurity or neurosis. Those behaviors may appear confident to the outside world—at least for the first five minutes—but will never be real confidence. People who are truly impressive never have to try to appear that way. If you don’t have anything to prove, and hold no false pretenses, that is real confidence. People give respect because they want to, not because they have to. If you aren’t honest about who you are, the people who you want to be supportive won’t be willing (or even know how) to support you. You will never have the relationships you want unless you drop your pretenses.
This is not weakness; you are not showing your vulnerabilities. You are opening yourself up to being your true self and to growing as a person. Dishonesty or just plain BS will never get you where you want to go. If you openly share your intentions, you will be able to move forward, work with anyone, and succeed together.
Graciousness, a sense of community, and being willing to admit who you really are—those are the keys to confidence. Learn to appreciate what everyone brings to the table, including yourself, and in the nicest way possible, share your ideas. When you do, everyone grows.Never Let School Get in the Way...
90. Never Let School Get in the Way of Your Education
- Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. —Auguste
Rodin When I was a child, my parents took me out of school to travel with them. My father believed that the things I was exposed to were more educational than anything I could get from a classroom. I can’t say I disagree.
I have always felt that I could deal with any situation because I experienced many different ones in the process of growing up simply because my parents dragged me around the country. The idea of taking kids out of school to travel is generally met with gasps of horror: “They will miss their assignments, they will never catch up, and they need their peer support.” All are valid concerns, but these days there are so many techno tools that can keep you connected, as well as the option of homeschooling, that traveling with your family when most everyone else is at home can be a bonding (as well as an educational) experience. That bond is actually very important to fostering confidence in both your child and yourself as a parent.
If you know you are doing the absolute best for your child, you are going to feel better about yourself. No question. One of my teachers, Mrs. Tiger (see, we all remember them), encouraged us to help others and get involved in what she called “social action” as a group. The dynamics of teamwork, the knowledge that accompanies travel, and the understanding of different people from different places can be more enlightening than college. The confidence that came with our actions, although a bunch of fifth graders could hardly change the world, certainly changed me and added to the fabric of my life. I know families who homeschool their children while they are on the road.
The kids I know who “go to school” on the sets of television shows and movies are usually ahead of their classmates when they return to regular school. And most of the people I know who have been educated in other countries have a different attitude toward their matriculation.
They want to learn and be the best they can because they have seen and done things that inspired them to reach for the brass ring and keep up-leveling their lives. By the way, traveling, homeschooling parents are also learning, growing, and getting the warmth that comes from knowing that they are doing the best things possible to raise confident children.
Ashish Shah
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