51-60 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence
51.Things Learned From Mothers
- Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. —Pearl S. Buck
I’ve learned a lot from the mothers in my life—my own as well as the mothers of people I’ve known. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for their advice, and I can’t tell you how many phone calls and e-mails I have gotten that began with, “My mother sent me this column....” Here are some things that a few of us have learned from our moms.
• “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” —Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty
• “Your mother was the first woman you ever loved. Never forget that. Her nurturing is love in action, and that speaks louder than words.” —Stephan Poulter, PhD, author of The Mother Factor
• “Kissing a boo-boo makes it all better. No matter how old you are, you always want your mother to be there for you with chicken soup and a soft voice when you’re not feeling well. Remember too that bad days don’t last forever. Mom always said that tomorrow would be better.” —Margret Goldsmith Things Learned From Mothers...............
• “You can fail because of it, or succeed in spite of it. It all depends on how you choose to deal with the bumps in the road.” —Sydney MacEwen, Shelley’s daughter • “My momma cat taught me that not every person you meet is worth rubbing up against, and sometimes it’s okay to be a little finicky. It could save you from coughing up a hairball later in life.” —Piewackett
• “This is what my mother told me before I came to the USA: You can run 1,000 MPH, but if you don’t decide where to go before you’ll run in a circle and go nowhere. A goal without a plan is just a wish and we can waste time in wishing. — Fabio Viviani, executive chef (and Top Chef fan favorite
• “If things are not going your way, take a couple of hours out, grab a girlfriend or a daughter, and hit a chick flick. It’s a surefire way to melt away the blues for a little bit.”—Mary Trudeau, Devin’s mom • “We have not come into the world to be numbered; we have been created for a purpose; for great things: to love and be loved.” —Mother Teresa
• “If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” —Rosalynn Carter
The love we give and get from our mothers is a true experience of life’s never-ending circle. No matter what, it’s never too late to have a loving relationship with your mother. So what if you’ve been disconnected for years? The bottom line is, she’s still your mom; let her know you’re still her kid.
52. From Competition to Envy
- As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy. —Antisthenes
Sometimes the drive to compete and win, which can be great for helping us move forward in life, can backfire and create difficulty and distress between people who may have been lifelong friends.
Understanding the different levels of this force can help us use it to our advantage, and realize when we’ve crossed a line that can cause us emotional harm.
Truly understanding these very different and potentially damaging states of mind will give you the confidence you need to deal with uncomfortable situations when they arise. Competition. We learn to compete at an early age. Whether we want attention, the biggest piece of cake, or our woobie, we learn that being first usually means getting what we want. It also feels good when we’ve won a game or gotten a good grade. It’s not a bad principle, From Competition to Envy but when competition leads to anger and trying to get even, things can get ugly.
We need to teach our children and ourselves that, though a little competition is good, winning isn’t as important as being fair. Rivalry. Think of rivalry as competition with a dash of antagonism. Friends can be rivals, but generally it’s not a “friendly competition.” There is a desire on the part of one or both to beat the other out and come away with the prize—and be friends later (but only if I win).
It’s not a horrible way to relate, but you do miss the bond of true friendship. Reaching your own goals may require some teamwork, so it’s best not to alienate those close to you. If a rivalry helps you to be your best, and you can also maintain your relationship, that’s great. Envy. This feeling can best be described as “I want what you’ve got.” It doesn’t mean the person who envies doesn’t want you to succeed; it’s just that they want success, too.
Envy can actually propel us to reach new heights, especially when we have been unaware of the possibility. For example, if you never knew there was such a thing as a Pulitzer Prize, you wouldn’t miss it. Jealousy. Gore Vidal said, “It’s not enough for me to win, you have to lose,” and that is the essence of this most destructive feeling. Jealousy makes us think that there isn’t enough to go around, so the other person has to lose or, metaphorically speaking, die.
The anxiety and anger it provokes are damaging, so be extra cautious if this is a feeling emerging within you or someone you are close to.It has been said that awareness of a problem is 50 percent of the cure. Knowing how you and those around you are responding to good things happening in your life will help those good things continue. And when people don’t respond appropriately, having the wisdom to deal with those instances takes your confidence to a whole new level.
53. Creative Confidence
- The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear. —William Jennings Bryan
I have no talent in the visual arts, but I did spend a year in art school just to make sure.
I remember the first day of my drawing class. I was well prepared with my butcher paper and my tackle box full of the other tools of the trade—all of which up until this point, I had never touched.
I walked to class, my shoulder-length hair blowing in the Berkeley breeze, and found a spot in the room with good light (actually it was near a window, and I like fresh air).
I set up my easel and opened my little box of colors, waiting for the professor to set a vase or some form of still life on the pedestal in the center of the room. Creative Confidence I wasn’t paying too much attention when a young woman in a kimono walked to the center of the room, stepped on the platform, and took off her robe. Obviously it got my attention, but it wasn’t for the reason you are thinking.
I was totally freaked out because I knew that I couldn’t draw a person and I was about to fail my first class. I tried hiding behind my easel, hoping that the professor wouldn’t see me pretending to artistically interpret the live model.
As luck would have it, he had been standing behind me for five minutes. “Do we have a problem, young man?” he asked in a totally patronizing tone. I just looked at him, shook my head, and replied, “Where’s the bowl of fruit?” He looked down his nose at me, pushed his glasses toward his eyes, and started rummaging through my pristine supply box. He took out a bottle of India ink, popped off the top, and flamboyantly threw it over his shoulder.
He then looked on the floor and found a twig, which he put into the bottle of ink. The professor took out a little note pad from his pocket; I thought he was going to write me up for something. Instead, he ripped out a piece of paper and taped it to my drawing board.
He handed me the bottle and twig and said, “Now draw what you see.” That was a very freeing moment for me. I was no longer constricted by having to draw an actual person— after all, how could anyone do that with a twig and some ink on a little scrap of paper?
As it turns out, I could. My professor gave me new tools and removed the restriction of my work having to fit into the same category as the other students. What I created with my little stick and black ink resembled a human form, and I was actually proud of myself.
It boosted my confidence. The experience of thinking I was failing, and then being redirected and encouraged to try it a much different way, was totally empowering. I have now learned to give those opportunities to myself.
54. Resolving Difficult Conversations
- Every person is in some way my superior, in that I can learn from him. —Ralph Waldo
- Emerson
The only way to appropriately handle conflict is to actually deal with it. Most people avoid difficult conversations because, quite frankly, they are uncomfortable. Unfortunately, if you avoid dealing with a troublesome situation, you’re actually prolonging the agony, and may be creating some resentment.
This is where feeling confident about your communication skills, as well as yourself, is imperative. Here are some tips for easing into and having a successful conversation about a difficult topic. First, be the one to open the lines of communication and ask for input from the other party to help you best Resolving Difficult Conversations figure out a balanced solution to your issue. Doing so says that you care enough (and are confident enough) to take the risk.
In addition it gives you a little extra power because you got the ball rolling. This will also greatly reduce the other person’s defensiveness and make him more available to participate. Once the conversation begins, acknowledge the other person’s willingness to talk with you. Thank him for talking with you both at the start and the end. It will make the discussion a team effort and make him feel he has given of himself. It will also make having the next difficult conversation easier because it diminishes defensiveness. Setting a time limit for the conversation can save you a lot of grief.
It’s important that you talk, but also that you don’t wear each other out. Around 30 minutes to an hour is about the most people can take. If you need to continue the conversation, make an appointment to do so in the next couple of days; that way things aren’t left hanging.
Learning to paraphrase each other’s comments by telling each other what you heard one another say will let each person know that you really “got” (or didn’t get) how each of you are feeling.
This may seem a little cumbersome at first, but it works to everyone’s benefit by maintaining clarity. It will also make both of you feel confident that the conversation is going in the direction you want it to.
Resolution is all about compromise, and how you get there will determine your level of satisfaction with the outcome. Giving a person what she needs, or wants,is not the same as giving up or giving in. Your attitude here is very important. The goal is to be confident, not cocky, and work toward both of you feeling that you got what you needed and that you can drop any ill feelings that may have arisen.
It can help to make a list of what questions you have and what you’d like the other person to do; having something in writing always makes it easier to remember points and to stay on topic. It also helps you make sure you complete the whole issue rather than just some of its parts. Be okay with being wrong.
Difficult conversations don’t always end the way you’d like them to. Sometimes an apology or a change of mind is appropriate. Holding a grudge just because you didn’t get everything you thought you wanted will only cause more discord. Confident people don’t mind being wrong; in fact, most see it as an opportunity to learn for the next time. Seeking out and respecting expert advice will help you affirm what you know and help you learn what you don’t.
Remember that no one person knows everything, so going to different resources is totally appropriate. Asking for a third party to help mediate your conversation if it starts to degrade into an argument is also totally acceptable. If you talk with a coworker, professor, therapist, or expert who defends or rebuts your opinions, take the time to consider what he has to say. You will be wiser for it. Understanding the emotional component of communication will help you defuse problems much easier. Difficult conversations can bring up lots of feelings; make sure you’re speaking from your heart, Resolving Difficult Conversations but don’t let your emotions run you.
Talk about what you are actually feeling versus what you think the other person is feeling about you. That will help to keep the communication clear and minimize the chance of feelings of guilt or anger. Once everyone has stated their points and agreements have been made, consolidate the gains and recommit to moving things forward.
After you have had the conversation, review what you have decided to do (even if that is only to continue the talking at another time), agree upon the conclusion, and let the other person/people know that you are available for additional talks if wanted. Lastly, don’t punish them for bringing up a difficult issue. Being able to have a successful difficult conversation is one of the most valuable tools you can have to build and maintain your self-confidence. For most people this isn’t easy, but with time, willingness, and practice anyone can do it.
Getting past the first level of discomfort is key, as is knowing that, once you have gotten your issues on the table, your life will be lighter and brighter.
55. That’s the Ticket
- Youth is a circumstance you can’t do anything about. The trick is to grow up without getting old. —Frank Lloyd Wright
Every time I see a good concert or musical, I am on a natural high for at least a week. A few are standouts, but even if the show didn’t knock my socks off, it’s almost always a pleasant experience that leaves me feeling good about life and myself as well.
I feel good that I thought about going, found great seats, managed to carve out the time, had the money to buy the tickets, and, if the drive went well, had a perfect night. How can a relatively flawless experience that you enjoy to the fullest not make you feel more confident? Spending an evening enjoying sights and sounds that make me smile is just what I like to do; your idea of a perfect day/night may be completely different, and that is as it should be. The point isn’t what you do; it’s about getting the gumption to do it.
By the way, the act of stalking Ticketmaster, going online, or calling right as the tickets go on sale and scoring great seats is a confidence-builder in itself. So often we avoid the things we love by finding excuses such as the cost, the time, and the stress, and those thoughts keep us from even trying. Well, if you never get to do what you like, then really, what’s the point of it all?
If you are feeling concerned about your survival right now, that’s understandable; you have to put first things first, and I get that, but most of us aren’t in those kinds of dire straights just yet. Some people’s health issues can keep them from seeking their bliss, but I find that many folks who are dealing with chronic and even terminal illness feel better That’s the Ticket when they can do something they love, if even for only a few minutes.
Some would call it therapy, but I think of it more as just living life while you’ve got it. I remind myself every day that life is a limited window and we’ve got to at least try to experience firsthand some of the goodies, rather than just watching others rock out to our favorite bands on MTV. Participating in your joys has to be a self-confidence builder (unless of course you golf).
Doing what you love to do makes every fiber of your being sing, and usually after you have finished, not only do you want to do some more, but you want to do it better. And once you sit front-row center, there ain’t no goin’ back. Simply put, doing things that you enjoy helps you feel better about life. We all have things that make us feel good, and that’s why we enjoy them.
A balanced and successful life occurs when you are able to do what you love and make a living at it. People who have created their lives in this manner are the most self-confident individuals on the planet. Somehow they put it all together and have built a lifestyle that most other people can only admire. It’s not about money; it’s about joy, and you can’t have that without feeling good about yourself. Psychologically, doing what you love gives you the feeling that you are part of something bigger than you are. The positivity you feel produces chemicals in your brain such as dopamine that make you feel good about yourself, and that is a necessity for achieving goals and even finding love.
Whether it’s the energy of the crowd, the view from a mountaintop, or the feeling of pride you get from creating something artistic, doing things you love lifts your confidence to the next level. Who would have thought that just by having fun you are actually doing something good for yourself?
56. Eliminate Critical Comments
- Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face. —Helen Keller
Saying hurtful things will push anyone away, and if you do it enough, no one will want to connect or communicate with you. At that point, you no longer have an emotional support structure, and self confidence will be as elusive as a shooting star.
We can all nitpick to the point of making those we work with, and care for, run for the hills or cover their ears and say “La la la...” so they won’t hear you. People simply tune out critical comments when they become a way of life. When you are constantly critiquing, the person getting the so-called benefit of your sage advice may just be acting in a polite manner to get you to stop as soon as possible. Although you are trying to help, you are actually pushing this person away.
And when your Eliminate Critical Comments words are blown off, you will feel that your advice is not respected or accepted. It can’t be good for your self-confidence when your message, no matter how correct, is not received.
To avoid this negative cycle, think about your choice of words carefully, and, before you decide whether to tell someone how you feel (or just tell her off), imagine how you would respond. If you’d get tweaked, then so will she. This is a simple thinking process that all too few of us engage in. Most of the time, when we think we have an idea of how someone could do things better, we feel it’s our duty to share our insights with him.
But the truth is that, no matter who that person is, he is most likely trying to do his best, and you telling him that it could have been done better will only take the wind out of his sails. If you really think you can improve someone’s life, actions, or work with your input, wait until everyone else is out of the room and say something such as, “I really liked what you had to say, but I don’t think everyone got you.
I have an idea that may help you, if you’d like to hear it.” By communicating in a way that doesn’t make people feel judged or put down, they will be open to what you have to say. This will not only improve their skill set, but yours as well. Knowing that you can see things others may not, and having that vision accepted, is quite the self-confidence builder.
There is a lot of truth in the old adage “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” If someone thinks that you are going to just blast her, her ability to take in your wisdom, no matter how great, will be diminished. Never judge or reject a person’s ideas or desires without first considering them. If you have a difference of opinion, that’s fine, as long as you express it with kindness.
Also, speak in a pleasant tone, and remember to smile. Almost half of communication is tonal, and a little more than half is visual. Speaking in a sincere and calming tone will let the other party know you are coming from a caring place. This is how self-confident people communicate.
57. Giving a Boost
- You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. —Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Your ability to give a loved one, friend, or coworker an emotional boost when he is feeling badly is a better cure than Prozac. When life is kicking sand in your face, it’s natural to turn to someone who you know cares and respects you. If that person can really be there for you with emotional support and kind words of encouragement, it can make a big difference in how you feel. It’s almost too simple.
Giving a Boost If you have difficulty giving that kind of support or accepting it, you need to look at your state of mind and make a few adjustments. Perhaps you are projecting your feelings of distrust in the world, or your angst about those unjust criticisms from your boss, but that isn’t going to help you. What will help is giving and receiving positive input from those closest to you.
We all push others away from time to time—it’s human, but it’s also destructive and will erode any confidence you may have left after a tough day. Do an honest evaluation of your ability (or inability) to take in the positive, and also on how you expel your negative emotions. Even if you only slightly use emotions as a weapon, that’s a great way to start a war, so check yourself out.
The calm that exudes through your mind and body when someone is there to make it all better will ease your pain. And when you feel better, you can think more clearly about how best to deal with the situation. Once you have a good game plan, not only will your discomfort improve, but your confidence about dealing with the situation will increase as well. Look, the world isn’t fair, and there are always going to be times when we all need a cheerleader (pom-poms are optional).
Being there for someone in need is a gift you are giving to the person who isn’t feeling at the top of her game, and it is returned in a number of ways. The most obvious is that the mood in the air will be lighter, and this affects both of you. Saying something like, “I know you’re worried, but we’ll get through this together [or as a team],” or “You’ve always landed on your feet, so why should this time be any different?” will give her a much-needed boost.
Just being there while she sits and sulks a little is also fine. Remember that we all need to process our grief, no matter where it comes from. Things in your life have mostly worked out. Reminding yourself and those around you of this, and looking at what you’ve been through while taking stock of where you are now, is also a very helpful tool. Getting and giving an emotional boost to or from someone who is on your team may be what this whole world is all about. And it sure feels great.
58. You Can Juggle
- I’d rather be in Philadelphia.
- —The epitaph of W.C. Fields, who once said about the City of Brotherly Love, “Ahh, yes, Philadelphia; I spent two weeks there one night.”
Old-time comedian W.C. Fields was actually one of the best jugglers in the world—maybe the best in his day—and the confidence that talent gave him had to have helped propel him to stardom. You almost never saw him juggle in a movie, but he wrote, directed, produced, acted, did his own stunts, and promoted and made a career out of being himself. I think that qualifies as juggling, and it is a testament to trusting his inner strength. You Can Juggle Though his feet of clay were legendary, along with his drinking and dislike of children, his imperfections couldn’t shake his belief in himself. And millions, to this day, remember and love his work.
He built something from what most would see as nothing: being a great juggler. Learning how to juggle may seem like a waste of time, but I have taught hundreds of people, from CEOs to alcoholics in rehab, how to juggle. Learning this little skill can help anyone lift himself out of his self-made pit and put a smile on his face. You see, along with the hand-eye coordination and the increased ability to focus, juggling is also fun, and we all would like to be able to do it. The good news here is that we all can do it, and it really doesn’t take much time or talent.
Obviously, I can’t show you how to juggle in my book, but there’s a great little book that comes with some juggling cubes (which don’t roll away as easily as balls) by Klutz, and a few DVDs also available. If this chapter is ruffling your feathers and you think it’s a waste of time, I urge you to remember that a researcher who has personally experienced the positive effects of this process is the one who is writing it. And you probably haven’t had a good belly laugh in way too long, which is not allowing you to be your most creative and inventive self. Look it up and you’ll see the research backs my claim. Sometimes putting aside your attitude and allowing yourself to be in a receptive mode will make the difference between a good life experience and a bad one.
Using your strength to put aside whatever is working you at the moment and developing a new skill is worth your valuable time because it’s not what you learn that’s important; it’s the pride you get from learning it. The added benefit is that you now know you don’t have to be the victim of those old negative emotions that came with past struggles. My business partner and I break out the juggling balls every now and then when we’re brainstorming. After you get the basics down you can do tricks, and you may find that this seemingly mindless activity actually stimulates your thinking and creativity.
I know it sounds a little silly, but I don’t know one person who can juggle who’d give it back, because, on some level, learning how and getting better at it made them feel better about themselves. 59. Inner Strength We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. —Thomas Jefferson The power within you is what you call upon when the chips are down and you consider cashing in. Using your most creative inner resources to pull yourself up by your bootstraps will give you the sense that you can deal with anything life throws at you. Inner Strength We all have strength in various areas; wouldn’t it be great if we could transfer it around? Imagine putting all your brainpower into your muscles when you have to lift a couch, or channeling your emotional fortitude into your problem-solving skill set. You’d be invincible, and that is exactly what those who achieve greatness are. The only difference between them and you is that they know how to access and direct their strengths. The good news here is that this is a skill set you can learn.
One of the first things the greats have learned about summoning their inner strength when needed is that they have to believe they can do it. That usually means they’ve practiced, rehearsed, and polished their skill set well enough to know they can always come up with an answer or plan their way out of a jam. People who seemingly successfully fly by the seat of their pants have usually put a lot of time into their abilities. It only looks easy because that is part of the process. Your strength doesn’t want to (or need to) get diluted by unnecessary struggle. So making it look easy is really an attitudinal adjustment with a purpose.
Don’t waste your energy; do what you can the best way you know how, and trust that the results will be successful. Inner strength is pure and comes without bravado, because bravado is a waste of time. Inner strength is a quiet victory that doesn’t require ticker-tape parades or even outside acknowledgment (thought that seldom hurts). When you know that something requires your best work, succeeding at it is usually enough of a reward.
Summoning up your inner strength is a bit of an art form. Some people need to first quiet themselves to find their reservoir, and others need to prime themselves with communication, visualization, or even exercise. Another great tool for reaching into your personal bag of tricks is hindsight. Telling yourself you have survived worse and you will survive whatever challenge is facing you at the moment will give you additional reserves from which to pull. Knowing that you have succeeded with much bigger issues is a great confidence-booster, even if the new dilemma is totally unexpected or unusual. Your inner strength is a tool that is always with you.
Think of it as the Swiss Army Knife of your psyche: You have all the tools you need right in your pocket. All you have to do is to reach in and pull them out. I know that sometimes, when we are stressed, we can easily forget to use our internal resources, and, of course, that is the time when we need them most.
So the next time you are stressed out or in over your head, think about how you’ve dealt with other difficult moments and trust that you have it within yourself to deal with this one as well. The real truth is that you have all the inner strength you need.
60. Enlightenment: It’s Not Just for Gurus Anymore
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. —Lao Tzu
Enlightenment When we think about enlightened people, very few come to mind: Spiritual masters such as Jesus, Buddha, and Moses; business icons like Warren Buffett, Lee Iacocca, and Bill Gates; artists like Elvis, The Beatles, and Ozzie Osborne (okay, maybe not him) have all enlightened us and helped us define our lives. The ability to feel enlightened keeps us solid in our choices and decisions. We take in what the enlightened have to say because they have proven themselves with time.
The spiritual masters took decades to become who they were, and we have had centuries to accept their teachings. The masters of the arts and business have had substantially less time to be absorbed into our psyches, but their reputations are growing. Think about it: Why else would Warren Buffett’s nickname be “The Oracle of Omaha?” These people have earned their enlightenment, and you have the same ability.
The good news is that you don’t have to be a master (or dead) to acquire it, and the even better news is that there are many different types of enlightenment. So there is no need to compare yourself to a religious leader or a burnt-out rocker. The enlightened leader knows how to boost confidence when business is slow. The enlightened teacher knows when his or her students need to feel better about themselves in order to succeed.
The enlightened friend knows when someone needs a shoulder to cry on, and that words need not be spoken, because it just feels safer when someone is there to share our troubles. We all have different enlightenment, and that is as it should be. No one can be enlightened in all areas, so there is no reason for you to beat yourself up because you missed a step or two.
I mean, really, would an enlightened person even think along those lines? Here’s the real deal on enlightenment: It is a lifelong process that can only make you feel more confident about yourself as you stumble through its attainment. Your thoughts may change with the wind, but your enlightened spirit is unshakable. I always thought the word GURU meant “GeeYou-Are-You.”
Ashish Shah
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