41-50 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence

41. Trust Your Gut
The body never lies. —Martha Graham
Scientists have discovered that there is actually a type of thinking function that goes on in our digestive tracts: It’s called the enteric nervous system. We’ve all had “gut feelings” or intuitions, but many people don’t realize how much they depend on them. Intuition isn’t about picking lottery numbers; it is simply another form of knowledge that should be considered.
It is a way to listen to what’s going on inside yourself, and it can help you deal with questions of all types, as well as depression and anxiety. If you dispute the value of your own intuition, ask yourself how many times you have had a thought, not listened to it, and later wished you had. The truth is that your body knows as much as your mind—if not more, in some cases.
The trick is to learn how to tune in to that very helpful part of your being, and step one is to trust that it’s real. Although following your gut feelings can be a little scary at first (and you might wonder if people will start looking at you as though you’re from another planet), doing so can be really helpful in navigating life’s constant changes, and it is usually harmless.
Using your intuition can open you up to new ideas or help you find answers to questions you may have. The intuitive process requires that you are at least somewhat relaxed and in touch with your feelings, not letting your emotions control you. The best way to begin is to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and concentrate on what’s going on within you. Sometimes it helps to focus on your breath.
It Trust Your Gut sounds simple, and it is, once you’ve practiced it several dozen times. Don’t get frustrated if you feel as though you’re doing it all wrong and not getting anywhere. Be gentle with yourself and try this technique as often as possible. We all have intuition. It’s a matter of tapping in. Trust those butterflies in your stomach, and your dreams to be the best or to create the next Facebook. Listen to that little voice inside you that says “yes.” These are all ways our intuition manifests within us. It’s not something you program like a computer. It’s more a process of building a muscle within your psyche.
Just slow down and let it flow naturally. Artists, writers, and musicians all use their intuition to create. Parents use it to keep their children safe, and billions of people make decisions based on their gut feelings every day. Trusting your intuition is a great tool for making your life and your relationships work better.
42. Celebrate Small Victories
The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince. —Vince Lombardi
The common thinking is: To become successful, you need to be confident first—not so, for millions of people the opposite has proven true. This is because creating success in one arena of your life, even a very small one, affects every other area as well. Small victories, as I like to call them, can be anything from finding a great parking space or buying a lottery ticket and winning $10.
The trick to turning these micro-successes into confidence is that you have to take them in. What I mean by that is you need to fully experience the emotions associated with success. By allowing yourself to feel successful, you are training your brain cells and giving them the most addictive force in nature: intermittent positive reinforcement. Every time you give your psyche something it feels good about, it will gravitate to that feeling as often as possible. If you celebrate successes throughout the day, no matter how small, you can’t help but increase your desire to want more and, along with it, your self-worth.
Little things that may seem insignificant, or even a waste of time, can help you reach your biggest goals. For example, honestly knowing in your own mind that the presentation you just gave was a home run, even though there were only four people in the room, helps you train your brain to want the experience of success to occur again. Consciously or unconsciously, you will make it happen. By acknowledging to yourself that you achieved something positive, you internally imprint it on your brain. Think of it as being saved in your mind’s hard drive.
It’s in there, just like that document on your computer you’ve been searching for. Once you find it, you will always know where it is and how to open it. Similarly, once you know how to be successful or what it feels like to be confident, you can access the Celebrate Small Victories programming for those emotions because they are stored in your brain, and you will remember how to find them. For some who are struggling, even the idea of a tiny victory seems out of reach—if you can’t even get out of bed in the morning, you aren’t going to feel the success of taking a walk or planting some posies. So you have to pare down your goals appropriately. See getting out of bed and into the shower as a tiny victory and sitting in your backyard reading the paper as another.
Push yourself to do a tiny bit more each day and soon you’ll be taking that walk, and life won’t seem impossible. Success happens. It happens to everyone every day. Seeing it manifest within our lives may just be a matter of opening up our eyes and giving ourselves a pat on the back. Building your own confidence from your own success is the purest form of self-esteem.
43. The Confidence Circle
You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don’t say about themselves. —Brian G. Jett
Sometimes you can gain personal empowerment from group exercises, and there are a few that can do wonders for your self-confidence. Most are fun games, and some can really be impactful in a positive and upbeat way. This particular exercise requires five to 10 people: One person sits in the middle while the others gather together in a circle around him (hand-holding is not required).
Each person sitting in the outside circle will tell the person within it several things that they like about him. When everyone in the circle has finished, the person in the middle shares what he remembers hearing, and then the next person in the group changes places with him. There should be a scribe taking notes or videotaping the exercise so everyone can see what they got and what they missed. Do this part at the end of the exercise after everyone has experienced being the recipient.
The trick is this: The things you remember and are able to repeat are the things you believe about yourself. We know this because you were able to take them in and identify with them. It may surprise you that things were said that you didn’t think others saw in you. This process helps you reinforce the confidence you already have, and perhaps build some in areas in which you’d like to have more.
The compliments you were unable to retain are areas where you don’t feel as though you’re at the top of your game or you feel you don’t deserve the praise. It is important to note that these positive statements came from people who see you in ways you may not be able to see yourself. Getting an outside perspective is a valuable tool when it comes to being your best and building your confidence. The Confidence Circle In the spirit of total honesty, the first time I did this exercise, the only compliment I could remember was that several people said I was funny. I was very young, but I did realize that I should have been able to absorb more positive input, and this exercise inspired me to do just that.
I learned to listen to the good things people said about and to me. Although I am still surprised when someone compliments my writing or my speaking, and even though I may not see the same good things, I work to take the compliments in. I believe that doing so makes me better at what I do, and of course raises my self-esteem. Try this exercise several times throughout the course of a year and you will increase your self-confidence.
44. Writing Heals
One of the greatest moments in anybody’s developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is. —Norman Vincent Peale
I love going to see Lyle Lovett, a very self-confident guy and one of my favorite musicians. I’ve been a fan since before Julia Roberts because I really respect his creativity.
At one concert he told a few stories, as artists who have been around for a decade or two like to do, and with his droll sense of humor, well, all I can say is that I enjoyed the patter as much as the tunes. One thing he shared with the audience that stuck with me, and that I heard others mention as we left the show, was, “For anyone who writes, writing is therapy. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” Not a hard sell for me; I totally get it, and so do a lot of other people. Writing is a great healer and confidence-builder. You can let out your feelings—good, bad, or indifferent— and actually feel a weight being lifted off of you. Whether it’s writing music, books, a journal, or a column, the process of putting your thoughts down on paper can be an amazing release as well as a way of seeing your own growth.
If your words and thoughts are sad, writing can be a cathartic experience, such that you cry as you write—and we all need a good cry every now and then. Emotional outpourings can also contain laughter as well as tears, and still be deep and healing. There is a great scene in the film Something’s Gotta Give in which the successful Diane Keaton is writing a play that is about her relationship with Jack Nicholson, and, as she puts the finishing touches on it, she weeps as she types, and also laughs at her own feelings and experience. As she shares her broken heart with the world she realizes that others would relate to the joy and pain of love and life. She also feels confident that her play is going to be a success.
If you keep those emotions bottled up inside, eventually something is going to give and you will Writing Heals emotionally pop or perhaps become depressed, and your confidence will surely take a hit. Writing on a regular basis is a great way to get out insecure feelings and free up your heart and head to move forward. Yes, it can be good therapy, even if you didn’t plan on it. There are many ways to engage in the process. These days anyone can share their feelings with the online world by writing a blog—there must be millions of them. You can set one up for free at blogger.com. What about writing that book or screenplay you’ve had in your head for the past several years? You don’t have to pen another War and Peace for this to work for you.
A paragraph or two can do wonders. If you don’t care to let a few billion folks into your private life, keeping a personal journal can be a good vehicle to help you get into your feelings and get rid of your pain. The point here is that writing is a valuable tool for your self-confidence. So put your fingers on the keyboard (or your guitar) and let your heart speak. Whatever the result, you will be better for it.
45. Don’t Lower Yourself by Raising Your Voice
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. —Bill Cosby
One of the most damaging behaviors in any personal or business relationship is verbal abuse. Quite simply, it makes you look like an insecure bully. The truth is: Self confident people never need to yell. Luckily, yelling can be one of the easiest patterns to change.
This is one of the cases in which it helps to look into the past and see if anything in your history allowed this bad habit to fester. Perhaps you came from a home environment where yelling and put-downs were commonplace and accepted as part of the family dynamic. Many people see nothing wrong with it, but that is only because they are not consciously affected by it. Unfortunately, the unconscious effects are significant. Look at what it did to your self-image and confidence level.
People who come from, or live and work in, a verbally abusive environment are less secure than the rest of us. They walk around wondering if they will have a job or their relationship tomorrow—not a great way to live. Among the strongest tools you have to help eliminate this bad behavior is setting your own example. If you yell, you are giving those around you permission (and lessons) to do the same. If the cycle has been around for a couple of generations, this may be time to make a change. It’s not as difficult as you may think. The first thing you need to do is become aware of the behavior. Catching yourself is a good place to start. Realizing that you actually do occasionally become overbearing will help you stop yourself. Don’t Lower Yourself by Raising Your Voice Those who are truly brave and who really want their lives to be better will also give their loved ones (as well as friends and/or coworkers) permission to remind them, when they engage in loud conversations, that yelling isn’t something they want to do any longer.
It can take a moment to remember why you don’t want to be verbally abusive and want to calm yourself down. Techniques for finding that calm can be as simple as taking a walk, going into your backyard, taking a very deep breath, or just closing your eyes and mentally putting yourself into a better emotional state. It’s hard when you get overheated to stop verbal abuse in its tracks, but the results are worth it. This is a case in which practice makes perfect, and the more times you try to break the pattern, the easier it will be. Learning to avoid the destructive energy of verbal abuse will make your life better, at home and anywhere else.
You will also gain self-respect and confidence because you are dealing with life in an adult manner, and you will get respect from others in return. So watch yourself and learn to speak in a tone that will make your friends and family welcome your conversations and suggestions. You don’t ever need to lower yourself by raising your voice.
46. No Anxiety? Not Possible
If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. —Mahatma Gandhi
People think that they are supposed to live anxiety free—not so. This is not an existential concept; anxiety is part of the human condition. We all experience it on an almost-daily basis in one form or another, and, in some ways, it can be helpful. I think it’s important to realize that we grow most through meeting the challenges of difficult and painful experiences. Things that once intimidated us, when overcome, contribute to our growth and confidence.
Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’d love an anxiety-free existence, but where would we be without worry? It does keep us safe in a number of ways: We avoid stepping off cliffs or (metaphorically speaking) sticking our hand in the lion’s mouth, because we know we can get hurt. Anxiety also serves us in smaller ways by letting us know that something isn’t quite right, so we can make the appropriate adjustments. Those little niggling feelings in the back of your brain are a combination of anxiety and intuition trying to get your attention so you can make sure you are safe and heading in the right direction.
No Anxiety? Not Possible The trick here is to learn to use your anxiety in positive ways. The first step in doing that is to see what the payoff of an anxious moment might be for you. Perhaps it’s telling you that this assignment isn’t quite right for you, or that you really can’t afford that new flat-screen television. I think it’s wise to at least check out your feelings before you leap. Another side of the coin is that excitement and anxiety feel exactly the same to our bodies. And it’s quite common for people to feel both excited and scared at the same time. Thrill rides at amusement parks (and first dates) give you that feeling, and in these cases, it’s perfectly normal, and usually fun. A number of folks do suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) or panic attacks, and that’s a different story.
Most of us don’t worry about normal, daily activities on a regular basis. If you do, and it’s gone on for six months or more, you really need to get a checkup, correct diagnosis, and treatment. Anxiety can shake you to your core. Your confidence evaporates, your ability to communicate is hampered, and your thinking process is blinded by fear. Learning how to avoid it, control it, and deal with it appropriately is a skill set that will serve you for the rest of your life. When anxiety strikes, it helps to remember that you have dealt with similar events before, and that you have the tools to get through this one as well. Sit down (or pull over), take a few deep breaths, and think through the situation. Chances are you will find that the answers you need are already inside your head, and once you calm yourself down a little, you will see them much more clearly.
47. Giving When It Hurts
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. —Anne Frank
Helping others reminds you that you are a good person and that you can use what you know in positive ways. The feeling of giving to someone who would benefit from your experience and generosity is priceless. It is also one of the best antidepressants available, because there is a direct connection between giving and feeling good about yourself. The former almost always leads to the latter.
In tough times, giving money to a worthy cause or even volunteering can seem counterproductive. After all, the old saying that “charity begins at home” makes sense when you’re struggling to pay your bills or are out of work yourself. Still, many people find ways to give of themselves even more when things are difficult. Those who do simply say, “It makes me feel good.” If you are used to getting up and going to the office every day and are now out of work, maintaining your routine by volunteering can be helpful; you can only send out so many resumes and applications. Yes, you Giving When It Hurts need to be available for interviews, but most places where you can volunteer will understand that you have other things you need to do to survive.
If you are over employed, or just very busy, giving money will also make you feel better about yourself. I really believe that donating should continue to take place even when you’re not raking in the bucks, but in unstable times it can be a little scary to share what you may possibly need in the near future. I understand, but that is also the time when it’s most important. Giving promotes a kind of energy exchange. Several times in my life, when things were not financially great, I continued donating to a few organizations and people that I believed in supporting. Things always turned around, and I know that by continuing to give, I opened up the opportunity to improve my world, which had a direct effect on my life getting better. I know it sounds a little out there, but it works, and just by giving a little bit to someone in need, you create a different dynamic in your life.
You build self-respect because you see that you are directly responsible for making the world, or even just one person’s existence, better. Albert Einstein said, “It is every man’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.” Yes, things are tougher out there right now, but don’t let that stop you from engaging in this laudable pursuit. Most of the time, when we give to those in need, it does make a constructive impact on both the giver and the receiver. One of the best ways to create success in life is to see a need and fill it. So share your time, talent, or treasure—I promise that it will come back to you in positive ways. (The film Pay it Forward exemplifies this behavior; if you haven’t seen it, put it on your DVD rental list.)
48. How Others Have Built Confidence
It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believe in myself. —Muhammad Ali
One of the best ways to build self-confidence is to look at how someone you respect did it. Examining how people we admire have raised their confidence level and changed their circumstances can teach us what we need to do to enhance our own lives. To begin this process, first consider the people you know and admire. Most successful individuals relish the opportunity to share their knowledge, and how they got to where they are, with someone who respects them.
After she has agreed to meet with you, and I believe that it is best to do this in person if at all possible, prepare a list of questions. This will help you focus your time and not waste your advisor’s. It will also bring up How Others Have Built Confidence other questions that you may not know you have until you’ve asked a few. This process alone is a confidence-builder, and the meeting may just be the cherry on top. Knowing that someone you respect will take his or her time to talk with you is bound to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps the person you’d most like to talk to is someone you don’t know personally, but only through his work. Great minds and individuals are far more accessible than you might think. I have had very little trouble connecting with well-known people whom I honestly believed wouldn’t give me the time of day. As it turns out, almost everyone I have contacted with a question has gotten back to me, and I have even developed professional relationships with a number of them—all because I took the risk of sending an e-mail or making a call.
If I had never risked asking for some information (or an interview) I never would have gotten to know most of the esteemed professionals who endorsed this book. I also grew from our conversations. The truth is that whenever you do your job right, everyone involved grows. I do understand that talking to someone you don’t know is scary, but isn’t that the point? Getting past that fear will allow you to open up some additional doors while also reinforcing your confidence. Once you start talking, just let the conversation go where it wants to, and allow the person you are talking with to ask you a few questions as well. The give and take will make your talk flow more easily, and again, one question usually leads to another, plus a few different answers that perhaps you weren’t expecting.
I also think a lot can be gained by reading biographies of famous people. Confidence (and the wisdom of how to attain it) is shared with eloquence and humor by both Ben Franklin and Mark Twain. Different insights to forging self-confidence and building a successful life are also shared by Warren Buffett and Tony Robbins, to name a few others. The information you need is out there, and all you have to do to get it is make a call, send a note, or pick up a book. The next step is in your hands.
49. Mean People Suck
Confidence...thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live. —Franklin D. Roosevelt
On several occasions my desire to see the good in people has blinded me to the arguably brutal negativity that some misdirected souls feel entitled to inflict on others. Perhaps the greatest betrayal is when someone we trust is mean to us. It messes with our esteem as Mean People Suck well as our trust in that person, and it can affect other relationships as well. Some people use meanness to get their way. Sometimes it’s a pouty mean, the kind we use when we are children to give a voice to our powerlessness. At other times meanness can be an equalizer, giving someone the perception that she can protect herself from an emotional terrorist.
People who try to vanquish negativity in this manner are usually outmatched. It’s also hard to keep mean energy inside you if you are not really a mean person. But, most unfortunately, truly mean people do exist. Some overtly aggressive humans act out in ways that they sense will make their victims cower. Most normal people who are being treated this way will submit to almost anything to get rid of the pain and anxiety. Mean people also enjoy the feeling of power their behavior gives them. For them, being mean is an addiction, and the meanness becomes something they try to keep burning inside themselves. They must be unaware of how this type of personality will eventually destroy any relationship or crumb of love that might have come their way. It seems that there is more meanness today than in the past. I witness rudeness to service people who are doing their jobs with a smile, teenagers insulting each other as though it were an art form, and separated couples trying fruitlessly to seek revenge through the courts and their children. Everyone has to win, and most who get into this pattern will stop at nothing. When this happens, everyone ends up losing. If you have to deal with a mean person on a regular basis, here are three things you can do to be more confident in that situation.
1. Get support. Telling someone what you are going through will help give you a place to put your pain and perhaps give you some perspective. Whether this is a one-time event or an ongoing tragedy, the benefit of sharing your feelings will help to heal them.
2. Realize you have a choice. If you’ve been brought up around mean people, being around someone who understands and is sensitive can be an eyeopener. Not everyone behaves in a toxic manner. Choose to associate with people who are kind.
3. Get out of the way. Most people leave their jobs because they don’t get along with their bosses. It’s okay to leave or to end something if you are being abused. This goes for personal as well as professional relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone respond positively to meanness. Meanness is a poor tactic used by the insecure, and it never works in the end. If you are mean, give it up. Like the song says, “Mean people suck.” Mean People Suck
50. No One Has All the Answers
No one person has all the answers. —Peter Charles Goldsmith
My dad was the first person to teach me about confidence. One of the things he stressed was that he (or I) couldn’t possibly know it all. He believed in getting feedback from those around him in order to make the best decision for everyone involved. Having good people to go to can’t help but make you more self confident. With that in mind, I decided to ask some of my favorite authors what they learned from their dads. Here’s what they told me.
• “My father taught me to be a man of my word. He lived by example. Even though there were many times we were in conflict as I grew up, I have to hand it to him, he always kept his word. He would say, ‘Don’t give your word unless you intend to keep it,’ and ‘A man’s word is like a contract.’” —Stephen Trudeau, Psy.D., co-host of “Emotional Fitness” (KCLU/NPR)
• “When my father was dying, he requested that his caregiver read him chapters from my first book, Second Sight, which was about my life. That my father wanted to hear this in his last hours and minutes touched my heart and taught me about the poignancy of father-daughter love. I still feel his love in my life today.” —Judith Orloff, MD, author of Emotional Freedom..
• “My dad’s father died when he was 12, of tuberculosis. He had no life insurance, and his wife and six children were in deep trouble. They had a difficult time surviving, and yet many years later, I heard my dad say, ‘My father dying when I was 12 was one of the best things that ever happened to me.’ I asked him how he could say that, and he answered, ‘It taught me about what was important in life and that money was to help make people’s lives easier.’” —Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Faith, Hope & Healing
• “My dad taught me the value of commitment. He was committed to his vocation, his faith, and his wife—my mother. He never talked much about any of these, but his example greatly influenced my life. I believe that commitment is the glue that holds life together, especially through the tough times.” —Gary D. Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages
• “My father is a role model for me: He has taught me tolerance and empathy, but also perseverance and, above all, to apply yourself to every situation. In this way, he has prepared me for the complexities of life, and I owe him a great debt.” —Susan Shapiro Ba rash, author of Second Wives
• “I learned from my father to never trust anyone who begins a sentence with the words ‘to tell you the truth,’ and that the greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.” —Allan J. Hamilton, MD, author of The Scalpel and the Soul No One Has All the Answers114 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence
• “One of the most precious gifts my father gave me was demonstrating that love includes being of service in the world and that attaining worldly success need not require sacrificing ethics or integrity.” —Dr. David Gruder, author of The New IQ
• “My father was a role model who taught me to be ready to give my all to others. One day he was up on our roof repairing shingles when our neighbor accidentally caught on fire. My dad jumped off the roof, pushed his neighbor down and rolled him over to help put out the flames!” —Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of Love in 90 Days
• “My dad taught me the importance of making a decision and committing to it. He also taught me that you should reassess your decisions on a regular basis and have the courage to admit that it’s time to change course. The secret is in the commitment and the follow-through. Never let indecision make the decision for you.” —Peter Walsh, author of It’s All Too Much Indeed, we have much to learn from our fathers. Even if you’re on the outs with your papa, he did teach you a thing or two. No matter what happens, those lessons will always be with you.
Ashish shah
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