31-40 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence

31. Straighten Up and Feel Right
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind. —Albert Einstein
I interviewed organization guru Peter Walsh on my radio show, and just before we went on the air, KCLU general manager Mary Olson told him that, although her desk was a total mess, she knew where everything was. Peter responded by saying, “That statement has made me a wealthy man.” And I totally get it.
I have castigated myself far too many times because I couldn’t find on my desk a piece (perhaps just a scrap) of paper on which I had written something very important. When this happens my confidence level drops and my anxiety peaks. It is always an uncomfortable experience. Still, keeping the damn thing continually organized is challenging, and I know I’m not alone. I actually think that organizing your desk from time to time is good therapy. In addition, it lets you know where everything is, and that will reduce the chance of having a minor meltdown when you have to find that piece of paper in a hurry. For me it doesn’t happen on a regular basis; I wait until I can’t see the top of my desk because of all the piles of files before I embark on this quest that Ulysses would have second thoughts about.
Once the task is completed, I feel a greater sense of satisfaction. Useless papers have been shredded, expired coupons have been tossed, and there is a sense of order that makes me feel more confident. It may be a small thing, but, when you put enough of the little things together, you create a big, positive thing. Give it a try! Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you will also find a few things you thought went to that place where all the single socks go.
32. Find Your Inner Geek
Confidence is the companion of success. —Anonymous
The pride one gets from mastering—or, if you’re a techno-spazz like me, just getting the basics of—a Find Your Inner Geek computer, is very empowering. These machines can make us crazy (even though they were supposed to make our lives easier). In addition, learning something new builds brain cells and staves off Alzheimer’s.
Have you ever wondered why computer malfunctions cause us so much emotional stress? Well, encountering a problem you have no idea how to fix causes anxiety. Will I get my work done? What have I lost? How much will it cost to fix? Who can I get to help? How long will it take? And these are just the basic questions. While you’re asking yourself about these, adrenalin and cortisol are coursing through your system, making your body feel differently. From sweating to quirkiness, the physical manifestation of angst is very uncomfortable and makes it difficult to concentrate. Even if the problem is solved quickly, going into that momentary panic will take you anywhere from an hour to a day to recover from and get back to your normal level of functioning. And being in that place is not great for your confidence or general well-being. Knowing how your computer works, and having the ability to dance around a program and make it do what you want it to, can make you feel creative and intelligent. And having the ability to get done what you need to and not encounter any problems allows for greater access to the inner resources and inspiration that we all have.
As you learn something new, you actually stimulate the growth centers of your mind and you create a greater ability to figure out what you need to do next. The confidence of knowing that you can solve a problem, even before you actually encounter it, is very freeing, and allows you to push yourself without feeling pushed. You can fly though projects like a stunt pilot, doing barrel rolls around your Microsoft Excel spreadsheet, and making Ansel Adams green with envy by your knowledge of Adobe Photoshop. In addition, every time you accomplish a new task, it gives you the opportunity to feel better about yourself. It’s a win-win. If you invest an hour or two a week in a class, many of which are available online, you will master your computer/program of choice in short order. With that ability, you can then create and share your gifts with the world.
Social networking alone can link you up with what’s going on in many different parts of the world. By tweeting here or blogging there, you can touch the lives of hundreds of people. Quite simply, knowing your way around the computer connects you to the rest of humanity. And that is a real confidence-builder. So go get that new laptop or use your kids’; it’s time to learn so you can keep up with the rest of the human race.
33. Fix It and Feel It
A comfortable old age is the reward of a well spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it should give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world. —R. Palmer
Fix It and Feel It These days, being able to save a few bucks by “doing it yourself ” has become the norm for many of us. Personally, I do not possess any mechanical skills whatsoever, but I can still putter, and upon occasion actually make a repair—or at the very least, move something around and pull a weed or two.
The funny thing is that, even though I am a totally lame handyman, every time I put out a little energy into my environment, even if I’m not completely successful at the task, I actually feel better about myself and life in general. Even though you may not have talent in certain areas, it doesn’t mean you can’t develop at least a rudimentary skill set. We all have parts of ourselves that don’t meet our own expectations, but we also possess the ability to put our personal issues aside for a time in order to accomplish something positive. Think about it: Don’t you feel better when you’re moving in a forward direction? Most everyone does; it’s part of being human.
Another part of our humanness is that we enjoy positive emotions, even if the path to feeling them requires painting the living room or fixing a broken whatchamacallit. Before beginning your project, especially if it’s something that you are unfamiliar with, it’s always best to consider it from different angles. Walk around it like a lion stalking its prey, look at the nooks and crannies, read the instructions (if you have any), and, if you can, get someone else to help you. Even if he is just handing you parts, having another person with you gives you that all-important moral support. There is also merit to the idea that even if you think you may never need to know how to do something, such as changing a tire, there will come a time when you will have to do it. Even though you have Auto Club or some other service, your car is new, or you never leave town, you need to know how to do this.
And it is far better to practice it one time in your driveway than to have to do it on a seedy side street in the middle of the night. Most of us don’t have to look for things we need to learn how to do; we face them every day. But being proactive can save you time, money, and a ton of grief. In addition, once you have a process for tackling tasks outside of your “job description,” your life will be easier because you will be confident that you can deal with new and challenging situations.
34. Picture This
Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was. —Richard L. Evans
Whether on the computer or in albums, reviewing your history (or herstory) is a great way of seeing where you’ve been and how you’ve evolved throughout the years. Looking at old photos can give you a good perspective on how far you have come.
Picture This Perhaps you were once a shy underachiever or struggled in school, and now you are in management or created your own business (or maybe both). Somehow, you must have developed self-confidence and a skill set or two along the way. By reviewing your personal and family history, you may be able to see the significant events or a pattern that led you to breakthrough moments or actions.
We all connect with our pasts, and even our sad memories are of times when we have grown and changed. Photos of days gone by will remind you of who you are, and give you a slightly different perspective on where you may want to go. It also helps you organize your sense of self. Perhaps you used to be depressed or anxious. There may have been periods of which you have no pictures, and it can be enlightening to think about why you didn’t bring a camera or didn’t want pictures taken. Some families were maybe unable to afford to take pictures; others may have been too busy or distracted.
And sadly, a few perhaps chose not to capture the memories because they didn’t like something about the people or places. So even the blank spots have depth, and can add to your understanding of how to be your best self. Taking a few hours every now and then to look at your old self and those who loved you can’t help but make you feel more confident about yourself.
35. Keeping a Confidence Journal
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. —Michael Jordan
Keeping a confidence journal works. The process is elegant in its simplicity: Just write down five things you feel confident about. Doing it on a daily basis changes the way you think and feel. The best time for it is just before bed because the confident thoughts will flow into your subconscious as you sleep. Not only will you awake a bit more confident, but you will also be less stressed and happier.
I know this seems too easy to do any good, but it really works, especially when times are tough. Think about it: If your mind is constantly struggling with your personal situation, or that of the world, the thoughts become overwhelming, and it can be very difficult to find a way out of your troubles. By utilizing the confidence journal technique, positive thoughts and emotions worm their way into your psyche and slowly but surely change the way you look at, and work with, the people and problems around you.
If your attitude is negative, it’s very hard to feel good about yourself or your circumstances. When you don’t feel good about life, it becomes much more challenging to find a way out. This journaling process can help you find your way to greater peace of mind and additional success. Keeping a Confidence Journey If all you can see is the worst, changing what you feel internally, even for a few moments, changes your brain chemistry and opens the door to positive thoughts and actions. As Michael Jordan said, you have to expect things of yourself first. Keeping a confidence journal helps to program your mind and creates the room and motivation to achieve those expectations. It’s a simple process, and the best time to start is right now.
36. The World Is Your Ally
We all need to see the universe as friendly. —Albert Einstein
Believing that life is on your side eliminates the fear that the world is out to get you. It also increases your confidence because you won’t be looking for the other shoe to drop. Making friends with life allows you to enjoy playing with it, as well as being a player in it. I know that sometimes life is not easy or fair—for any of us. But if you act as though you are living or working in a war zone, the results of your efforts will end up looking like a bombed-out building.
So if you don’t want to end up as an empty shell, you need to make a major attitude shift. The world does not punish us; we are far too good at doing that to ourselves to need any additional assistance. Just living in that type of fear is like putting a tourniquet on your confidence and creativity. We all experience disasters in our lives, but that doesn’t mean our lives are disastrous. Everyone is capable of being pessimistic, but when it becomes a lifestyle you must make some changes in order to move forward. To break this negative cycle, you first have to realize that you may be a little more of an Eeyore than a Tigger, and start to accentuate the positive.
That realization alone is a confidence-builder, and every action you take in that direction just makes you stronger. Things go badly, and then they get better. Recessions end, people find new jobs and relationships—life goes on. If you approach it with just a little confidence and positivity, you will get so much more from the experience. I see life as a limited window of opportunity and choose not to spend much time dwelling on what didn’t work. Instead I do what I learned from Dr. Einstein: I see that the world is truly on my side. When something doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I truly believe that I simply need to focus in another direction.
If you look at your life, I believe you will see that almost everything you have done, from sports to business to babies, has added to your experience and knowledge. And all that energy gets recycled. Even if you never achieved your dream of being a rock star, that time you spent on stage or in front of the mirror pretending your hairbrush was a microphone actually made you a better communicator.
The World Is Your Ally All of your experiences, good and bad, work together to make you who you are. Even though we may not completely understand why some things don’t go right, good things eventually arise from our efforts. Trusting that the world is friendly can only serve you and help you be more confident.
37. Monitor Your Thinking
Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can. —Richard Bach
Of the gazillion thoughts we have a day, research has determined that 80 percent are negative. Science also tells us that we remember the negative because doing so was hardwired into our DNA; we had to remember where the tar pits were so we wouldn’t fall into them. Times are different now, and our thinking process has to evolve as well. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or even a “shrink” to realize that negative thoughts will produce downer days. The challenge for those of us who want to keep our thinking as positive as possible is to stop those massive quantities of bad vibes from entering our brains.
As many now know, the first step is to recognize that you have negative thoughts. Some people can catch themselves in the moment, and for others it may take an evaluation that occurs at the end of the day. Either way, looking at your thoughts and seeing the positiveto-negative ratio will be an enlightening experience. If you’d like to remove all your negative thoughts, sorry, it’s not going to happen. I don’t believe that it’s realistic to think that you can go through life without ever having thoughts you would consider unpleasant. You can, however, lighten up your thinking process considerably, and with very little effort.
After you have spent a week looking at how your mind works, you can then begin to take the uncomfortable thoughts and tell them to go away, one by one, as they come up. Yes, I know this sounds almost silly, but it works. When a negative thought comes up you can mentally stop it. Give it a try, and if you can do it once, you can do it again. There are additional methods; one business colleague has given his negative inner voice a name, “Boris,” and says that when he has a negative thought, he tells Boris to go to his room and the thought dissipates.
When a student of mine catches himself feeling bad vibes, he pictures a beautiful forest in his mind’s eye, and that takes away the disturbing emotions and thoughts. Meditation, visualization, and self-hypnosis are other tools that can assist you in this very doable task. Once you have mastered the art of stopping negative thoughts in their tracks, you will be surprised to see that, after you have engaged in the exercise for several weeks, you have substantially less of them. This isn’t some New Age woo-woo thinking.
It is an established, studied, and tested method for getting and keeping your thinking process on the positive track. The hardest part is getting started, so now that you’ve finished reading this, give it a try. It may be a Monitor Your Thinking little awkward at first, but most things worth doing take a little practice and patience. Monitoring your thinking, so you can change from a negative thinker to a positive one, is a great tool to help you build your self-confidence.
38. Up-Level Your Support Structure
Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement—and we will make the goal. —Jerome Fleishman
Support groups have been around long before psychotherapy. Medicine men would gather together and share their latest tools, the women of ancient tribes looked after one another and the children, and individuals were allowed to seek council from the chief when required. If you don’t have friends, family, or coworkers who support you emotionally, join a group or form one of your own.
In this case, the latter may actually be easier than the former; groups already in existence require that you mold yourself to their belief structure, and this can totally put some people off. In addition, finding a group that supports your exact needs may be difficult, so starting your own, even somewhat casually, can give you a huge advantage in life and business.I have written about the benefits and magic of Mastermind Groups in Emotional Fitness at Work.
These high-level gatherings are not for those in need of a 12-step program; they are for individuals who know they are good, but want to achieve some greatness. Leaders and those who are developing their careers can learn from their peers. Most find that they don’t have to reinvent the wheel, as the other members of the group may well have dealt with similar issues, and their experience and advice is priceless. The other component one gets from groups is emotional support. The old saying that “It’s lonely at the top” makes sense to anyone who has been there. As a leader you can’t go crying on your VP’s shoulder and expect to maintain respect, but it is imperative that you let your feelings out. We all get overwhelmed, and having a place to release frustration or just vent is something we all need to do every now and then.
Having a safe place to do this makes it so much easier. Group or even private therapy is also very helpful, but you may want to integrate emotions and business in your conversation, so you have to find a counselor or group that wants the same things—again, not all that easy, so let’s look at how to put your own together. My friend Brad Oberwager, CEO of Sundria Corporation, has been aware and/or part of a support group for CEOs since he was a kid.
His dad was a member of YPO (the Young Presidents Organization), and through sharing that experience he started a group with classmates at the Wharton Business School, and Up-Level Your Support Structure remains in regular contact with them today. He is also a member of the Young Entrepreneurs Organization. He credits these groups as part of the reason he is at the top of his game, and even in a down economy, his business is growing. By putting together his own group and joining one that has been around for a few decades, he has the best of both worlds, and information that couldn’t be gleaned from 20 years of graduate school.
So get out your old phone books, look around at the people you work well with, and make some calls to those who have something you want to learn. Chances are they will like the idea and join you for a meeting, and then you can all see if you’d like it to continue. The business and emotional support one can get from these experiences is not just a confidence-builder; it is a pathway to personal and financial success.
39. Feel the Love
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. —Mother Teresa
Perhaps nothing will make a person feel better about himself and build self-confidence than being loved by someone he admires. You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with the person; what I’m talking about is unconditional love, and that can come from anywhere.But it can be a challenge to let it in, especially if you are independent or have been hurt in the past. Don’t let a past mishap shut you down to an emotion that can take you to the next level in your life.
If you never had a loving family, it’s more difficult to build healthy self-esteem. Appropriate affection from another person may be the magic touch you need to actually believe that you are lovable. When someone you admire gives her heart to you, it makes you feel cherished, and in turn you learn to love yourself. I know a number of people who were only able to develop self-love after someone who made them feel worthwhile came into their lives.
For many, this love blossomed into a healthy and lifelong relationship. For others, it was an experience that put them on a path to finding their true purpose in life. In many support groups one of the things that helps a person to recover is the fact that the group loves the individual until he or can love himself. This is also one of the ways in which therapy helps individuals to heal from depression, loss, and addiction. On the other hand, we all know people who are in love with themselves (they’re called narcissists).
When someone is totally self-absorbed, she may not have room in her heart to care for another human being. When looks, power, or charisma begin to fade, many people with this issue find themselves very depressed and very alone. If you put yourself before all others and ignore the needs and feelings of those closest to you, you’d better get a grip and change your behavior before your loved Feel the Love ones take a hike.
It’s very difficult to keep giving love to someone who seldom or never returns it. For those people who are still struggling with loving themselves, getting reassurance and support from a loving partner is very important in the healing process. Reminding someone who is struggling with self-acceptance that he deserves to be loved is a true gift from the heart. If you have to continually ask your partner if she loves you, or if your partner is never able to take in the love you have to share, both of you may want to seek some additional support.
If you let the pattern continue, your relationship will not have the strength or ability to grow. Trusting that you are loved may be difficult for someone who has suffered a trauma or significant loss. For those people I suggest patience and persistence. I believe that the heart only has so much room, and if it’s filled with hurt there is less room for love. Love actually pushes out the sadness in our hearts, so by letting it in you not only get to feel the wonderful gift of being loved by another, but you also get to release some old pain you may be holding on to. Remember the story of the princess and the frog? We can all turn into someone charming (and confident) when we let ourselves be loved.
40. Shape Up
Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness. —Edward Stanley
If you are healthy, you have the confidence to accomplish anything. If you are not, mere survival can be a challenge. Being fit is very important to your self-esteem and your physical well-being. Exercise is your easiest, most accessible, and cheapest form of antidepressant. So don’t just sit there and read about how good it is for your psyche as well as your body— get up and get moving.
I remember as a child how my father’s cigar-smoking buddy would say, in a smoker’s throaty voice, “Kid, ya ain’t got your health, ya ain’t got nothing.” At the time, it just seemed gross. Now, a few decades (and a couple of “procedures”) later, I realize that, though he didn’t take his own advice, he was totally right. Being healthy, and helping those you love do the same, is one of the most important pieces of a confident and fulfilling life. With the epidemic of obesity, and all the press about how living a healthy lifestyle not only lengthens your life, but also makes you a better person in so many ways, I find it remarkable that so few people take good enough care of themselves.
I know a number of folks who take better care of their animals than they do of themselves. I love my pets deeply, and I know if I am unable to use the can opener, they will starve, so I have to be healthy to care for them. Shape Up When we are out of shape or our health is poor, the mere basics of life are overwhelming. Some people who have to deal with chronic or even life-threatening illness get more exercise than those who are well but lazy. Finally realizing that without your physical health your situation will not improve anytime soon, and your dreams may never be realized, does inspire most people to get moving. You have to keep the vehicle that propels your thoughts and ideas humming. I remember watching a woman who, in her later years, began exercising.
I passed her almost every day walking slowly up the hill in our neighborhood. When she first started she was overweight, didn’t smile, and was wearing very unflattering sweats. After several months I noticed that she had lost a bunch of weight, her hair shone and skin glowed, and she was wearing some very flashy spandex running pants and a skimpy top. She looked great.
I actually pulled over and told her that I kinda watched her get into shape and asked her how she felt. She responded, “I finally feel good about myself.” That was enough to get me on the program, and I hope this is enough to do the same for you. Dropping that extra weight and feeling strong is going to improve your self-confidence no matter what stage of life you are in.
Ashish Shah
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