21-30 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence

21. Doing the Impossible
What we need are more people who specialize in the impossible. —Theodore Roethke
On July 16, 2009, 17-year-old Zac Sunderland completed his 13-month journey to become the youngest person ever to circumnavigate the globe. In addition, he did it in a 36-foot boat, Intrepid, for which he paid $6,000 that he earned himself doing whatever he could. Talk about your confidence-builders.
I listened to Zac speak about his epic adventure in our hometown at the Westlake Yacht Club, which sponsored his epic travels along with the American Sailing Association. The poise and confidence displayed by this young man were far beyond his years.
I’d guess that spending so much time alone, avoiding modern-day pirates (with the help of the Australian Coast Guard), weathering storms with 30- foot waves, and eating canned and freeze-dried food that he described as “nasty” couldn’t help but make you feel that you could do anything. He also shared that he only caught about three fish, encountered sharks while swimming in the middle of nowhere, and stopped at about 14 ports along the way. Zac’s impression of people in other cultures was that they were much more laid back than we are here at home. He kept a blog, and many followed his journey via the Web. When he arrived at Marina del Rey, in Southern California, this cool kid was greeted by about 1,500 fans, 100 boats, 75 news media personnel, three helicopters, and an interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, with much more to come.
Although a bit overwhelmed by the media frenzy, he handled it well. But would you expect less from someone who just did the impossible? Fewer than 250 people have ever sailed solo around the globe. What an amazing club to belong to, let alone to be the youngest member of such an esteemed group of spirited souls. Of course, one has to ask what gave him the courage to do it, and Zac’s parents are a big part of the answer. The support they showed in his quest from the very beginning helped to give him the strength and confidence to complete the arduous journey.
Doing the Impossible“Zac is a very good sailor, and brave. We knew he could do it,” said his mother, Marianne. Both his parents seemed mostly glad just to have him back home safe, and everyone is wondering what he’s going to do next. “I still have three courses to take to finish high school, and right now I just want to hang out with my friends,” said Zac. It’s easy to see him kicking it with his crew at the beach, now forever famous, but still, like, totally, a 17-year-old dude. One explanation of how and why he was able to deal with the isolation during the nearly 28,000-mile journey was that he is the oldest of six siblings, and maybe he enjoyed a little privacy.
About six weeks after his epic adventure, a British sailor, Mike Perham, who was about three months younger than Zac, completed a solo circumnavigation of his own. But Zac will always hold the record for being the first person under 18 to cross the finish line. No one is sure what Zac will do next, but his heart is attached to adventure, and he has earned the confidence to tackle his next great quest, whatever it may be. What is your next voyage?
22. Isolation Is Hazardous
When you are alone you are all your own. —Leonardo Da Vinci
The statistics proving that people who cohabit ate with others live longer than those who live alone have been around for several decades. In addition, more recent research has discovered that living in isolation may be more destructive to your physical well-being than smoking cigarettes. This doesn’t mean that if you are happily enjoying the single life you’re going to die prematurely, but it should make you think about life and love a little differently.
We are not meant to be alone. Just the fact that there are a few billion people on the planet is testament to that. Still, millions of folks who have been hurt or traumatized by one of their fellow humans may prefer to avoid contact with other Homo sapiens. Those who have survived conflict-heavy relationships may well find it easier to just take care of themselves and perhaps their children or pets. Dealing with another person’s vicissitudes can be exhausting, especially if that individual also gives you a hard time in the process. However, if you enjoy sharing your life and bed with someone but also require your space, you need to get creative and discover some of the many ways to maintain your individuality and sanity while having a close relationship with another adult.
Many couples not living together take “nights off ”; they have established safe boundaries that allow them to have their own time without making their partner insecure. Usually a phone call before the night off, followed by a catch-up conversation (“Did you sleep well?”), is enough to maintain a good connection. Isolation Is Hazardous If the person you love withdraws on a regular basis, and you have to go hunting for him or her, I suggest you have a deep conversation about the behavior and see what the cause is.
This kind of action can make you feel abandoned, and that will take away from the depth of your love. If you isolate as a means of getting back at someone, you are also hurting yourself. This passive-aggressive behavior may feel right in the moment, but after a little time has passed, you will feel lonely because you never shared what it was that hurt you in the first place. And if you don’t talk about what bothers you, it will never stop.
Those who sequester themselves may also be dealing with depression and/or anxiety; they believe an illusion that being alone makes it all better. Not everyone who chooses to be alone has a mood disorder, but if you’re also a little blue, you should get yourself checked out by a professional. Being disconnected from the rest of the human race may make you feel safe or empowered, but it’s a temporary feeling. In addition, it is hard to feel confident when there’s no one around to validate your existence. We are social beings, and life is much more meaningful when you have someone to share it with.
23. Living a Good Life
When you engage in systematic, purposeful action, using and stretching your abilities to the maximum, you cannot help but feel positive and confident about yourself. —Brian Tracy
There is a scene at the end of Saving Private Ryan in which the aged, rescued soldier tearfully asks his wife if he has lived a good life. Knowing that we have left the world a little better than we found it is the essence of self-worth and real happiness. Not the kind you get from a trip to Disney world, but from knowing deep inside of yourself that you’ve made a difference. Don’t underestimate it.
The power of contribution, of being part of something that adds to the fabric of your community or the world, is a very healing action for everyone involved. It results in improved emotional health and stronger relationships, and it helps to build your internal 401k. You may not make actual cash, but you are investing in your self-worth, and that generally pays better dividends. Living a good life doesn’t mean that you have to be Volunteer of the Year, and it doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice things you love or need.
It means that you listen to your inner voice when it tells you that you have the ability to help someone in need. Most of us can’t pack up our lives and go to Africa to assist with relief efforts, but I think we all have the ability to do a little something and give those less Living a Good Life fortunate a hand (versus a handout). Right now, giving money may not be possible, but you can offer your ideas, emotional support, and perhaps your personal e-mail list. Finding ways to get others involved is also a good use of your efforts, and it may be just the excuse you need to reconnect with some old friends.
When a worthy cause touches my heart, I have a short list of people I call to ask for assistance (usually a donation), and that way I can make a slightly larger impact. It may seem counter intuitive, but these folks actually welcome the calls. They, like many of us, want to be part of the solution, simply because it feels good to know you have made a difference. Our sense of self is enhanced when we give to others.
It generates brain chemicals that actually reduce depression and anxiety, as well as increase our capacity for joy. I have seen many a curmudgeon smile at the fact that they have given a person they may never see again a reason to hope. When you are struggling or just feeling down, the smallest offering from a stranger can make a big difference in your life.
If you’ve ever been there, you know. Living a good life isn’t about how much you give; it’s about giving in a way that will mean something to you. It doesn’t have to be money or material. Sometimes the most valuable things you can offer are a kind word and an outstretched hand.
24. People Improve
Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. —Emile Coue
People improve. I see it every day. And most of the time, they do it on their own. Therapy can help, but the old saying does prove true more times than not: To make it really happen, you have to want to change.
Seeing a therapist can be beneficial, especially if the therapist is a good listener. Simply knowing that someone hears you completely is very empowering, and that is a doorway to positive transition. That being said, I believe that we have the ability to change many things about ourselves on our own— without ever going to a counselor’s office or even picking up a self-help book. The first step, which is the most difficult, is to realize that a change is necessary or desirable.
This can be the most arduous part, because it’s hard to look at your own flaws. Sometimes all that is required is a mild life-affirming (or life-altering) experience. Carl Jung would have called it a “spiritual experience.” Unfortunately, this idea has gotten kind of a bad rap. When most people hear “spiritual experience,” they immediately conjure up some kind of huge occurrence, such as a near-death experience, or losing someone very dear to them.
The truth is that profound depth can be found in the simplest of things. And many times, just realizing People Improve that you want things to be different can be the turning point in any number of difficult circumstances. One of the best ways to make improvements in your own life is to look at how someone you respect changed for the better. Examining how those we admire have improved their circumstances can teach us what it is we need to do to enhance our own lives. If you’d like some advice, ask for it. People who take their own lives and behaviors seriously are usually willing to lend a hand, but don’t expect them to come to you. By making the effort to ask for guidance, you are showing your commitment to self-improvement.
If someone is going to offer her counsel, she will want to know you’re sincere. Another way to make appropriate changes is to process what’s happening internally. Sitting quietly and feeling what is going on inside of yourself is a tried and true way of healing your hurt and discovering what you need, so you can move on to the next level.
The simplest form of meditation is to focus on your breath (inhaling and exhaling) for several minutes. This also has been proven to promote happiness. There are millions of ways to make yourself feel better, but they all require the same thing to work: You have to want them to, and you have to embrace the changes.
25. The Power of Positive Thinking
People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success. —Norman Vincent Peale
From time to time, we all think and say negative things to ourselves. It’s relatively normal. Unfortunately, when thinking this way becomes a regular habit, it can keep you from enjoying life, reaching your goals, or even finding love.
One of the ways to break this habit is to become aware of the negative thoughts while they are happening. This kind of mindfulness can turn the experience into a positive one. Being conscious of what’s going on inside your head and around your life really helps reduce your tension. If you know you’re stressed out, try taking a patience pill. Do that by telling yourself that you need to go with the flow until the uncomfortable, negative thoughts or moments pass. Many times we think in the negative when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. Perhaps your boss, partner, or parents got on your case or didn’t come through with a promise, leaving you feeling low.
In real life, this is sometimes hard to avoid. But being aware of how you are really feeling in the moment gives you the ability to change the energy and protect yourself by purposely thinking positive thoughts. This is not the same thing as being a Pollyanna. Using your own brain to help you resolve a The Power of Positive Thinking difficult moment is a tried and true technique that will assist you in shifting your mood. Appreciating where you are and what you have also helps.
You also need to commit to yourself that you’re not going to let painful emotions or situations run your life or suck you in. Use the power of positive thinking to keep a bad moment from becoming a lifestyle. Here are some additional tips to help you get started:
• Make a mental list of what is working in your life. This helps set the tone for moving through a difficult time. Then look at how you’ve dealt with other challenges for additional internal support.
• Remember “The Little Engine That Could?” Say to yourself, “I think I can.” Or, “I know I can” may work even better.
• When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” stop the negative thought and actually say, “I’m canceling that out.” Then make a positive statement, such as “I’ve succeeded before and I can do it again,” in its place.
Another reason to put a plus-sign in your mind’s minus column is that negative thoughts take energy away from you while positive ones give you more. Just do the math and you can see it’s worth the effort. Negative thinking isn’t just a bad habit; it can do real harm to you and your loved ones, especially if you (or they) start to believe it. So turn off that downer station in your head and tune in to the good things you do and have. Your world will be better for it.
26. Procrastination
Put all excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable. —Zig Ziglar
I’ve been meaning to get around to this for a while, but it’s so easy to find other things to do. That is the credo of the procrastinator. Don’t get me wrong; I believe that if it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get accomplished. But if you are making yourself miserable because you can’t bring yourself to do what you need to do, it’s time to change that habit. Here are some tips to help you do just that.
Timing is everything. Start timing how long it takes you to do some of the things you procrastinate about. For example, the man in my mirror hates doing dishes. I used to let them pile up in the sink. Then one day, I was in a hurry and happened to glance at the clock before I began putting my hands in soapy water. When I was finished, I looked at the clock again, and all of six minutes had passed. Now that I know the process takes much less time than all the things I did to avoid it, getting it done is much easier. And life at home is a bit more pleasant. Just do it.
Some Olympic-level procrastinators will spend much of their time trying to look for shortcuts or employing avoidance techniques such as saying “That’s not my job,” or thinking “Who else can I get to do this?” The truth is that if you just jump into the task at Procrastination hand, you will have some extra time in your life, which you can use in whatever way you choose. Face your fear. When you’ve been avoiding something because the thought of the task or failing at it causes you anxiety, it can’t feel good. In addition to fighting the fear factor, you are actually creating an excuse to delay or completely disregard important things in your life.
If you are scared of a particular chore, it will help to get your partner or a friend to assist you. For many people, just having the company is a great motivator. Fear can block us from many things in life; working through it will strengthen you and your relationships. Schedule lazy time. Often we don’t get around to doing what we need to do because we’re just plain tired. One of the best ways to overcome this is to reward yourself with a nap or some downtime once you have completed what you need to do.
Taking a break is a necessity; none of us can be productive all the time, and getting a good rest actually makes you sharper. Getting past procrastination is a good thing, but you need not beat yourself up in the process. You didn’t create this behavior overnight, and it won’t go away just because you’ve thought about it. Take steps, one at a time, to move your life forward, and before you know it, you will love the productivity and your life a lot more.
27. Respond Instead of React
Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth. —Charles A. Dana
Responding rather than reacting will prevent you from experiencing or causing a lot of unnecessary pain. What happened the last time you just reacted without thinking? Did you yell at someone who is important to you? Did it take several hours or days to recover and let things get back to normal? Did you think, in retrospect, that you could have chosen to respond differently? Most people who go into reaction mode are driven by fear, and with the recent economic meltdown, a lot of folks in all walks of life are feeling anxious to one degree or another. That anxiety is a hair trigger for a reaction that may damage a relationship. Looking at how you react to a difficult or threatening situation is the first step in changing this difficult dynamic.
When you react, you are becoming a victim and creating one at the same time. In order to maintain control of a situation, you must teach yourself to respond. When you do, you will experience a tremendous shift in the outcome. Things will be so much easier, and you will get a positive response from those who have had to deal with your reactions in the past. Perhaps the best part is that you will no longer feel the stress and loss of energy that was caused by your Respond Instead of React previous behaviors. When dialogues in relationships and life go smoothly, tasks are accomplished faster, feelings aren’t hurt, and you have extra time to do things that will make you feel better, rather than hurt yourself and someone you care for or work with.
In addition, simple, everyday interactions and conversations go better. You will also feel a difference in how you are perceived; people will start to get you rather than get to you. All you have to do to achieve this earthly state of nirvana is to think before you speak. Simply checking in with yourself and asking, “Am I responding or just reacting?” is the easiest way to change your behavior from destructive to constructive. It may take a little practice, but discuss the process with someone you trust or love, for he or she may want to help or participate in some fashion. This way you can assist each other in containing the fallout from reactions and molding them into appropriate responses.
If the two of you agree, you can create a signal or phrase that allows the person who may be in reaction mode to shift, and give him or her the space to change direction without letting it affect your conversation or relationship. Having a safe method for change will help it happen sooner rather than later. So right now, take a moment and think about how you would feel if the other person really understood you. That warm feeling inside you, that’s the result of choosing to respond rather than react
28. The Healing Power of Humor
If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes. —Euripedes
Research shows that laughing every day builds your self-esteem and can add up to eight years to your life. Who knew that having a good guffaw was as healthy as eating broccoli? Actually, this knowledge has been around for quite a while.
Remember Norman Cousins, the author of Anatomy of an Illness, who laughed himself well by watching old Three Stooges and Marx Brothers movies? His experience gave him the confidence he needed to create the study of psycho-immunology, which is about how your thinking affects your health. Since his groundbreaking work, a number of theories have developed around the therapeutic power of laughter and humor and its use in counseling and medicine. I encourage my clients to use humor when they have difficulty dealing with their kids, as well as when they are intensely looking into and perhaps doubting themselves. It’s truly one of the most underutilized tools we have as human beings. If more people were able to laugh at themselves, sales of antidepressants would drop dramatically, along with divorce and suicide rates.
Having a sense of humor has a strong positive effect on relationships. When a couple develops the aptitude to see the humor in their behaviors, and even their The Healing Power of Humor arguments, their chances of maintaining a successful long-term relationship or life improve dramatically. When you give someone permission to laugh, you also give him permission to be himself, which is one of the reasons gentle humor can be so therapeutic. We reveal our true emotions only after we feel safe and confident with someone else. Having the ability to make others laugh is more than a talent; it’s a gift for those who get to experience it. Being able to laugh at yourself or the world around you is equally as precious. Laughter will get you through some of the darkest nights and help you cope with the most difficult of days.
Look at your life and tell me you can’t chuckle at the ironic moments or laugh out loud at some of your self-made bad times. Sometimes finding things to laugh at and someone to laugh with can be a challenge. You may think you’re really funny, but nobody gets you. At other times, life just doesn’t give you room or reason to feel a little giddy. In these cases, you need to give yourself a break and take yourself to (or rent) a really good comedy.
You can also read something funny or go to a comedy club. Giving yourself a laughter recess will raise your self-confidence, lower your stress level, help you relax, and, at least temporarily, give you time away from your troubles. Although I believe in a daily dose of yuckin’ it up, at least once a week is mandatory to maintain your sense of self-worth. So, check out the funnies or watch some I Love Lucy reruns. Whatever makes you giggle is just what this doctor is orderin.
29. Smell the Roses—Right Now!
You’ll find as you grow older that you weren’t born such a great while ago after all. The time shortens up. —William Dean Howells
“Living in overwhelm” is the norm for most families these days. If you don’t agree, think about how many times you’ve rushed out of work so you can pick up the kids in time to get to the store, just so you can jet home to make dinner and then supervise homework while you get ready for the next day. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be positive or relaxed under this kind of pressure. Luckily, there are many ways to take back control of your time, figure out how to get things done, and still be able to enjoy being human.
If you’re still not convinced you need to relax, realize that science tells us that people who don’t relax on a regular basis tend to put on weight, have a greater propensity for depression, and have more relationship issues. It all makes sense when you slow down long enough to think about it...but first you need to create the time. Initially, you might try imagining what it would be like to take a vacation. When most people think about relaxing, they conjure up images of breezy tropical beaches. And funny as it may sound, having those thoughts may be more calming than actually taking a vacation! Just imagining that you are hanging out at Smell the Roses—Right now! your favorite beach for a couple of minutes will soothe your nerves and lower your brain waves, pulse, and blood pressure.
And you don’t have to go through airport security to get there. If life is too hectic, you may want to reevaluate whether you’re getting out of it as much as you’re putting in. Whether you’re in your upwardly mobile years or are struggling to survive, slowing down a little probably won’t affect your income or goals as much as you might fear. I know many successful people who manage to have great careers and take time off. Even if it’s only for a few hours or 10 minutes here and there, it can really add to the quality of your life. You may not think it’s possible to find more time for yourself.
The key is to make it a priority. Living a balanced emotional life requires at least a little downtime on a regular basis. If you don’t relax from time to time, the prospect isn’t pretty. People do die from stress and overwork, but that’s not as sad as never really living because you won’t take the time to smell a rose or two. All you have to do is make it a point to seize a few moments to enjoy the sunset, the music of a songbird, or the smile on a child’s face. It may not be a spa day, but it will make your life longer and a tad bit sweeter.
30. Mental Rehearsal
See it, then you’ll believe it. —Walt Disney
Anyone who has won a game, been promoted, or succeeded at her chosen field spent many hours rehearsing, some of it physical and some of it mental. There are as many ways to rehearse as there are things to rehearse for. There is always a time to rehearse, even if you don’t think you have it. Mental rehearsal is also very valuable, and the upside is that you can mentally rehearse while you are eating your breakfast or driving to an event. What works for you may not work for someone else, but what works for everyone who wants to improve in any area of their lives is some form of regular rehearsal.
There is also rehearsal in the doing. By just doing the thing you want to get better at, you are rehearsing. Any improvement gives you the confidence you need to take on the next project and the one after that. Each time you may be rehearsing for something slightly different, perhaps larger and more complicated. The confidence you gain from all your hard work will continue to serve you. The payoff comes when you realize that you have rehearsed so well you can, for example, give a speech at a moment’s notice.
Wouldn’t it be great to have that kind of self assurance? The truth is that those who spend time Mental Rehearsal rehearsing have the confidence to step up to the plate when the opportunity arises. I’m a big believer in mental rehearsal. Astronauts and Olympic athletes engage in it on a regular basis. Most successful performers and artists also use some form of mental rehearsal.
Some call it visualization, or its medical name: clinical guided imagery. No matter what they call it, those who use some kind of mental rehearsal to refine their talents give themselves the greatest opportunity to excel. It’s the combination of mental, physical, and emotional rehearsal that gives you the confidence to compete at the highest level. Go for it
Ashish J Shah
#MADwAJS
IAM. ASHISHSHAH
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