HALF MOON
CHAPTER - 8
Emotions do make life beautiful to look at but when one has to live life on daily basis, one has to live on the hard ground of reality, where you can walk at your own pace and look at life from the widest possible angle, from an angle where you can see all contours of its face, all hues of its intrinsic colors, every facet of its inherent beauty. Mehar had to deal with life now with the stick of her inner voice in her hand to hold her straight as the path she had to tread on now was both slippery and full of potholes.
She had decided to defy Rajinder, whom she had known to be kind only as long as his wishes were not opposed. She had been living with him for some time to know that he was not going to take her decision lightly. There would invariably be sparks of flying tempers and she had to be ready to face the music. She had to take account of one more fact too that she has not been able to create any kind of kinship in her in-laws family and will not be able to garner any support from that front if at all any such situation arose. She was certain of her own parents' support and she counted on that.
But if she knew that in such a situation her own parents too would bow down under social pressure she would not have been capable enough of plunging into dark oceans of uncertainty that her decision and commitment to herself had thrown her into. But once taken the plunge she was so deeply engrossed into this ocean of uncertainties that she had no choice but to learn to swim. She did learn but this lesson of life was the toughest she ever encountered.
She passed out bruised and battered, her heart broken into countless pieces, her soul so deeply thrown into darkened corners, she sometimes would find difficult to recognize herself. She looked into mirror at the same face but those eyes that looked back at her were strange now. They did not know trust, they did not know faith, they had forgotten to smile. Lips however knew the language of the masses, words uttered were the words fit for civil society but her eyes forgot to smile. They shone now with tears of heartburn,
deception, fallen hopes, forgotten friendships, broken promises, taken for granted services.
Her smiles now stayed till the corners of her lips, lips that forgot to trust another pair. Laughter moved away from her already lonely pastures to distant horizons. Time did her justice though, it molded her into a woman of substance, woman who could create her every morsel of life from the air around her being. Time helped her to reach a point where she did not have to draw money from any account which did not smell of her own sweat.
Rajinder returned from Delhi with his passport stamped with visa and a ticket to the land of his dreams. Now as he applied for leave for three years his application was rejected. The letter which came from health ministry reasoned that since there was scarcity of qualified anesthesiologists in the state, he was bound to serve people of the state and could not leave country at this point. He was furious. He wanted to see distant lands badly. He immediately left for Jaipur, approached secretary of health and was told point blank that this order could not be revoked.
But Rajinder was not among those who would sit back silently without making an effort to upturn every stone in their way. He thought about his situation during evening and came to the conclusion that Mehar's elder brother Hukum Singh should help him in this situation. He was not even at cordial terms with him. Since the day of his wedding with Mehar there had been some misunderstanding between the two and he did not even want to hear his name in his house. Mehar could never understand any reason for this hatred.
All he told her was that when Hukum Singh had invited Rajinder to his house after their wedding, Rajinder had asked him to send invitation through his parents. This had angered Hukum Singh and he had replied that if this was the case Rajinder should himself seek their permission and come. This whole conversation seemed so silly to Mehar that she could not understand how to react to this. She failed to understand any reason for any anger besides the fact that both men had inflated egos and were not to like each other ever. She never tried to make peace with the two as she herself never ever received any invitation from her own brother to visit his home.
Now when she got the call from Rajinder that night to ask Hukum Singh to help she was confused. She did not know how to
React. She did not know, if at all she should talk to her brother about this. She had been to his place three or four times in Delhi but even then there was no communication between warring parties. Now she lay on her bed thinking about her next move. She could not understand how to deal with this situation.
Exasperated, she called her father Janab Singh. He listened carefully and assured her that he will speak about this with his son and get back to her. She waited in anticipation for about half an hour and when the bell rang she knew it was her father. But she was pleasantly surprised to hear her brother Hukum Singh on the line. He listened to her with patience he seldom showed and then told her he will do the needful. He assured her that the following day first thing in the morning he would go and see Mr. Chaudhry, a friend of his and hopefully by the end of the day Rajinder would get his relieving order. Hukum Singh proved true to his words. Rajinder was the only anesthesiologist that year who could avail a leave of absence for foreign assignment from the state.
But the sour fact or that always remained was that Rajinder did not express his gratitude in appropriate words to Hukum Singh. Hukum Singh had extended his helping hand in time of need order to build a bridge between the two, but it proved futile. Hukum Singh felt cheated and insulted. Whereas Rajinder had the feeling that since he was Hukum Singh's sister's husband so it was his duty to help him and he did not owe him anything. Mehar and her father tried to convince first Rajinder that since Hukum Singh was much elder to Mehar, he should pay his respects and thank him formally but he refused to budge. They later tried in vain to bring Hukum Singh's anger over the issue down. But he simply told Mehar that he did this for her sake and not for anybody else and closed the matter then and there. The gulf had widened between the two.
Meanwhile Giriraj too became suddenly very busy with his assignments and Mehar did not see him for almost a week after the Colonel's birthday party. Among all this mayhem she missed him badly. Only solace for her apart from little Ranjit was missing. Ranjit was oblivious of what was happening in the house, he was too little to pay attention to such happenings. He was happy with the idea floated by his friends that his father will be off to some other country and will bring more toys for him and he had prepared a list of game she wanted to handover to Rajinder. Mehar helped Rajinder prepare his huge suitcase he was to carry with him.
Janab Singh and Surjit too came and brought presents for little Ranjit as always and this time Rajinder too received many personal gifts from them. They seemed happy at this new development in Mehar's life. They felt that Mehar must be excited at the prospect of being able to visit other parts of the world with her husband. But when they arrived they found her to be very subdued. She seemed happy inside but was not excited with this new development. She was doing what all was required of her but enthusiasm was missing in her acts. When Surjit mentioned this, Janab Singh quietened her by saying that Mehar had always been a quiet person. She seemed comfortable and that was what mattered most.
Mehar indeed was happy that she would be able to deal with herself in the privacy of her loneliness. She was waiting for Rajinder to leave so that she could understand her emotional involvement with Giriraj in a better way. He was all the time on her mind. She missed him. She wanted to meet him and at the same time would shun at the idea of meeting him. She knew this was not right, her society, her family, her environment, no one was going to digest his presence in her life.
She knew she would always be tied with her identity as Rajinder's wife and Ranjit's mother. She would always be living this life devoid of hearty laughter but she also knew that she would never be able to forget what Giriraj meant to her. Hope for love, smile on lips, laughter that brought tears to the eyes, dreams she had buried deep in her inner graveyard had risen again, had began to yawn and wanted to see the light of the day. She was at cross roads, lost in herself, she was walking as if in sleep and doing the tasks that were required of her while her body and her mind were elsewhere.
Rajinder was very excited and was shopping almost every day and many times Mehar too had to accompany him on such endeavors. He had been taking advice from those who had served earlier in the Middle East and had collected a whole lot of articles to carry along with him. These included a brand new pressure cooker, some packets of pulses, toothbrushes, soaps, one brand new iron, some small packets of condiments and many more such things. Mehar wondered if he would be able to cook anything, as he had never shown any interest in kitchen ever. But he was so excited and collecting things with such enthusiasm, she did not have the heart to ask him this. Surjit was perplexed with his behavior and
constantly kept commenting, sometimes these comments reached Rajinder's ears and he frowned but remained silent.
Meanwhile she happened to meet Giriraj a few times outside, but it was always at public places, so both remained dissatisfied with their meetings. It was one such one meeting. They were sitting in a restaurant facing each other on a table for two with some untouched food on a small table between them.
Finally Giriaj spoke,“I have taken two weeks' leave. I am leaving tomorrow for fifteen days to be with my parents at Surat.”
Mehar did not say anything, she knew about this as he had earlier told her. She felt a shooting pain in her throat. She coughed to ease it and looked out of the glass wall at the street. It was a little before mid noon and the street was filled with normal day market activity. One ox-cart laden with green bananas passed by her and she smiled. She remembered how as a child she always believed that bananas were manufactured in factories and her belief was so strong that after failing miserably trying to convince her otherwise, her father one day took her to his friend's farm, where they had a few banana trees.
This part of the country was not friendly to banana cultivation, so only a handful of such trees were there. She was visibly disappointed to see bananas hanging on that tree and even confirmed her doubts by pulling a few. Even then she kept asking why all of them were so alike as if manufactured in a factory. That memory came to her and lit her up. Giriraj asked and she told about this and both were laughing aloud when suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She lowered her gaze and tried to hide them. Giriraj did not notice and she felt relieved. She wondered how easily she floats between emotions of all kinds in Giriraj's presence. She looked at him and wondered if there was something in his eyes or face or his hair or his hard muscular shoulders or was it his husky voice or was there nothing special about him, was it just her own perception of a lover she had always wanted to be hers?
These questions came in to her mind and passed away. She looked at him and he smiled. She felt happy again. It was time for them to part. She had to go home and attend to her duties and he had to attend his office for one last time before he left for his vacation. This was the first time they were parting for a longer period of time after being close to each other and Mehar felt very
low. Giriraj was one of the major sources of joy in her otherwise gloomy listless routine baring a few radio station assignments she always looked forward to and some classes she took as a part time teacher in a university. But she had a light of hope in her sinking heart that he would be back after two weeks time and then life would resume its pace. But then she realized that Rajinder too was to leave for his new assignment next week and that reminded her that this evening the two were invited to Dr. Jain's home for a dinner and she rushed home as there were many things to attend to.
So much was happening in her life at the same time that she had almost lost control over herself. As she was driving back home many things came to her mind. There was a time when her life had come to a standstill. Nothing was happening. She would get up in the morning and wade through dead hours echoing in her barren heart ticking each second with such dead silence that it felt she would never be able to finish that day. But time has it's own territories to chalk out, so it passes finally however bruised or fatigued it might be.
Evenings would eat her vacant soul like moths yet she would reach nights in one piece to be defeated and deflated of whatever was left of her but remained alive with the help of some bare desire of remaining alive till the death finally took over and put an end to this ordeal. But such dreadful days too passed away and here she was today, at the helm of activity.
Little did Mehar realize that this was just the tip of the iceberg. More was to come. And this more was so much more that she had not even imagined in her wildest of dreams.
The day before Rajinder was to leave he called both Mehar and Ranjit to their bedroom and closed the door. He wanted to have a meeting with the two. He said many things about his departure which was not new to her, as he had been saying those repeatedly to her for the past many days. Mehar listened without commenting as she always did. Ranjit did not understand much of what was said but he stayed there playing around in the room, hopping on bed and chairs. Finally Rajinder got hold of Ranjit and made him sit next to him on the bed.
Perplexed Ranjit looked up at him. Rajinder said, “Now young man you listen carefully to me. I am the head of this family and I am going away for some time. So, now as you are the only other male
Member in this house, you are going to be the head of the family now. Now you have to take care of the house and check that everything runs smoothly here.”
Ranjit did not understand and smiled. Mehar’s initial reaction was of surprise, she had never experienced such weird jokes from Rajinder. She felt good that ultimately he was beginning to have some sense of humor. But when she looked at his face she had another shock in store for her. He was serious about what he had just said. He meant every word he had said addressing little Ranjit. Mehar was a non entity for the sole reason of her being a female for him. She could be a source of entertainment in bed, a machine to churn out babies whenever a man wished, she could be a manager wherever the need arose, she could be a hostess when guests were at home, she would be a beautiful doll decked up and proud to have around him.
But she could not be a simple human being who could be entrusted with the responsibility of the household she had been running for almost ten years by now. She could not be trusted for the well being of a house which was presented to her by her own father and was in her name. She froze inside. She felt numb with this ultimate insult to her womanhood. Whatever little respect she had for Rajinder in her heart began to wander from this instant on wards. She lost whatever hope she had in her heart of bringing this man to equality, making him understand that she too was a human besides the fact that she was not a man.
By the next evening when she boarded train to Delhi with Rajinder she had made up her mind that she was going to build some carrier of her own, and she had started working on that front already. Giriraj had asked her many times that she should join television as a reporter as she was the perfect person for such a job. She could write, had presentable personality and she had the experience of radio with her.
In the beginning she simply laughed aloud at his suggestion but when he persisted she began to think about it. Gradually she began to like the idea and started to probe possibilities. Giriraj's brother too was a senior journalist in Lucknow and worked with many organizations. He suggested to her on phone to meet Prabhat Suri while in Delhi. Prabhat Suri was one of the pioneers of television journalism. He had started his carrier at radio station and graduated
To television. He had been among the main presenters at live election analysis presented at television. Now he was also producing a weekly news magazine for television of about half an hour's duration. Which had about five or six visual stories under different categories, political,social,current events, inspirational and alike.
She knew about this and understood that this was the right time to enter this field. She knew she could do this but was not sure if those who were in this field felt same about her. She had no theoretical knowledge or degree in journalism of any kind leave alone television journalism.
But she was confident of her writing skills, understanding of social and current issues and knew that her voice had broadcast quality, in addition to all that she had a presentable personality.
Once in Delhi, Rajinder again went on a buying spree and as he did not know much about Delhi, Mehar had to be with him at every step. Only saving grace was that they had left Ranjit in the care of his grandparents, as Janab Singh offered to stay back till she returned from Delhi after seeing Rajinder off. In Delhi they stayed with Hukum Singh's family at their government provided Chanakya Puri house.
Hukum Singh and Rajinder were not very fond of each other but this was the arrangement made by Janab Singh so all obeyed. Hukum Singh's wife, a lovely middle aged woman though always kept a distance with both Mehar and Rajinder did take good care of them. She served them good Punjabi food and on the day Rajinder left she prepared zarda, yellow sweet rice prepared on festive occasions. Mehar had no complaints but Rajinder despite being reminded by Mehar many times failed to convey his gratitude towards Hukum Singh for his timely intervention and help.
The day he had to take his flight, Rajinder made Mehar sit with him and explained once again his terms and conditions to her, that she should take care of Ranjit and listen to him and obey him as the elder o the house. This was again very disturbing for Mehar. She listened but did not react as usual, for she knew this would result in argument and some derogatory remarks from Rajinder which she wanted to avoid in her brother's house.
In fact after his outburst at Mehar when he had threatened to break her legs, she had baring a few incidents which involved
Serious matters never answered him back, she would listen and gulp down insults but this process has been going on for so long by now that she was filled to the brim. She knew if she spoke, all that was accumulating inside her will come out and this flood will drown everything. She wanted to avoid that situation but did not know for how long she will be able to do so. She felt like telling him that she will not join him as he had asked her to later when he settled down.
She felt that this matter would be dealt with later when the time came. Right now there were many things on her mind. She had called up Prabhat Suri's office the other day and had come to know that he would be in his office the next day. She had decided to go and meet him and ask for some work. Her fingers were crossed. She was, at that moment, standing at crossroads of her life. She could not see light too far down the path she was walking at that point in her life.
She knew one day or the other she would not be able curtail her anger and disappointment anymore and that would be the end of tunnel for her. She needed to find a road to tread on. She felt very lonely and deprived. She knew she could not talk about her mental and emotional state with anyone. She was certain that not many would understand what she was undergoing every waking moment of her life. Was all that her own doing? She had a big NO to that popping in her mind, but will anyone believe her? She did not know.
So she stopped thinking about it and when she returned home after seeing Rajinder off to the airport she asked her teenage niece Nimmi about what should she ought to wear the next day when she visited Mr. Suri's office. Both of them rummaged through her suitcase and after a discussion came to the conclusion that Mehar needed to buy a new white shirt. Two she had with her were not sparkling white according to Nimmi, and she disapproved of those. So the duo went off to nearby Sarojini Nagar market and bought one new white shirt with its coughs lightly embroidered with white thread.
Next day when she was all ready to leave for Mr. Suri's office, she saw Nimmi too was ready to leave for her college. They had to go in the same direction, so Mehar asked her to accompany her. She took an auto-rickshaw. Mehar told that she would drop her to her college and then head for Mr. Suri's office. But Nimmi had other ideas, she suggested since she knew the place where that office was
Located, she could accompany her and would be a help around. Mehar smiled and agreed. She saw Nimmi's face lit up immediately and could imagine how she would boast about this visit to her friends in college like any other teenager.
They reached office in a posh residential area of south Delhi, surrounded by lush green trees and beautiful single or two storied houses with small front lawns, extending till the road by a discrete hedge. It was early nineties and Delhi was yet to become a lollipop for greedy builders. Many of these houses were in their original form, baring a few which had been demolished and converted into three storied flats with one barsatee to accommodate ever expanding families. All those three floors till that time would be constructed for the sons of the family and sometimes a lucky daughter too could get the top floor. Commercialization of property had not yet begun.
Mr. Suri's office was in one such residential building at the back side of the ground floor. The Guard directed them towards it. A receptionist was sitting in a room full of young boys chatting loudly, some cameras, lights and other equipment were lying on a table in one corner of this front room. Mehar asked the girl she later came to know as Reena, that she had come to meet Mr. Suri. Reena asked her name, Mehar told her that Mr. Suri did not know her and the boys laughed. Mehar was a little perplexed but she kept her cool. Reena spoke to Mr. Suri on phone and told her to go inside.
Mehar asked Nimmi to wait in the reception area but Reena and others suggested that both of them could go inside. This was surprising for Mehar for she thought that it would be a formal meeting and she was hesitant but when they insisted she took her along. As she entered Mr. Suri's office, first thing that caught her eye was a large pin board hung on a wall in front of the door. It had a chart on it and next few weeks schedule for Pehchaan was written on it. Some boxes were empty.
Mr. Suri greeted both of them, got up from his chair, shook hands and made them sit. She realized that he was almost her height and very cordial as well as informal person. There was an easy cheerfulness around him. She found him to be a happy-go-lucky person with sharp eyes. She immediately felt comfortable. Any traces of anxiety she had in her had evaporated by now.
Both the girls had settled down when without waiting for Mehar to say anything he asked, “So, young girls, what can I do for you?”
Mehar introduced herself and Nimmi and told him that Nimmi has simply accompanied her as she was still a student. He asked Nimmi about her college and subjects. When he came to know that she was pursuing graduation in English, he asked her a few things. Nimmi became nervous. He laughed and put her on ease, then looked at Mehar. By this time Mehar had phrased her words, told him about her work and her wish to work for him.
He had been listening to her intently and nodding in between. After she finished he looked at her sharply and his answer was,“You are already working with us.”
Mehar was surprised and did not know what to say to this. She remained silent.
“But you must know this job involves a lot of traveling around, would your parents allow you to be out of the house during nights and to go on out station shoots?” His gaze was piercing.
She knew this would come and she knew her answer too. She said, “I am married and responsible for myself.”
He did not ask further. He called aloud his attendant's name who entered the room immediately. Mr. Suri asked him to send in Rehman. Rehman came within a minute and Mehar was introduced to this tall lanky balding man with large eyes, protruding lips and grave smile. He did not shake hands with Mehar. Mehar felt that this person did not like her. Mr. Suri came out from behind his desk. Three of them stood in front of the chart.
Mr. Suri showed her those empty boxes and told her that she had to send stories for those. She tried to grasp the situation, it was running too fast and she did not expect this. But she was more than happy and braced herself to face the challenge. After this discussion was over she bade goodbye to Mr. Suri. He told her that since all units were out on shoots so she wouldn’t be able to meet any of them, but he would send his best team for her shoot. She thanked him and came to the front room with Rehman.
Reena noted down Mehar's address and telephone number. She came out of the building with a large smile on her face, eyes twinkling with joy and tears, heart filled with gratitude for the whole world. She took a deep breath, filled herself with moist Delhi air, it smelt of smoke and fragrance of the flowers. Delhi never
Looked so friendly to her before. Now she felt as if this city was the answer to all her prayers.
Suddenly she developed a kinship with this historical city of Mughals, taken over by British during eighteenth century and about a century later abandoned and handed over to Congress to rule. The city that was filled with tents erected for refugees from the great Punjab, roaming in its streets wearing their fineries as they did not have anything else to clad themselves in. This city which changed its character many times as it passed through the tunnels of time. This was the city which after partition had turned essentially Punjabi in culture, language, eating habits and eating joints. Now as she looked around she felt that this city she had been visiting regularly since childhood was gradually changing its character again. As it expanded its physical dimensions in all directions rapidly, its inherent character too I was experiencing an exponential expanse.
As the youth was turning essentially global and metropolitan in ways of life, its mindsets had taken to a dual nature of being both practical and individualistic. It moved along with the times, taking on the challenges modern ways of life threw its way, as well as kept pace with the traditional family ties with which it was bound. She would often listen to her niece’s friends talking about their morning trips to temple with nani or dadi, days at college and weekends at discotheques or farm house parties, where nothing was a taboo. Gyrating to the tunes of jazz and shouting at the top of their voice while keeping pace with rock, this generation could switch to devotional ram dhun at the drop of a hat.
Out on the road she could see another Delhi taking shape rapidly–Delhi of Bihari Babus. Native of Bihar has been coming out of his state in search of livelihood from a long time but now this exodus has reached its zenith. An average Bihari is essentially highly well informed about world around him and politics of his state and center equally. He knows the complete alphabet of politics by heart since birth. It is in his blood. With the changing times he had earned to draw advantage from this knowledge. Silently and stealthily without being obvious he has spread his tentacles everywhere, especially in the capital city. He knows his worth and is determined to get it en-cashed to its full capacity. One more very remarkable quality she learned about Biharis is that he never ever behaves in crab manner. Any Bihari true to his blood and mother's milk always
lends more than a helping hand to another of his tribe, irrespective of and immune to internal frictions.
There was another Delhi opening its arms to her and she opened her eyes to – Delhi of the privileged ones. There was this generation she came in contact with, which had nothing to lose and all to gain for being born under certain circumstances, taking the cue and having life at its beck and call at all times – children of refugees. Their parents had taken tough road of life and in the process had made their strides stronger and sure-footed. They had large sprawling bungalows to live in, choicest cars to buy and drive, dine wherever they felt like at any day of the week. They had chosen professions which gave them maximum and required very little of their time. Once she visited one such party with Hukum Singh and became a regular, though later her brother disapproved of her doing that.
Now as she broke the news to Hukum Singh in the evening, he felt proud of her and said, “This is my sister. Always the winner.” She too was delighted and wanted to be on her own to think how to go about this new challenge. She had seen and encountered many before and knew once taken the plunge she is capable of learning to swim in any kind of waters. She retired early and lay thinking about how to go about it. She was certain about one thing that unless it was necessary she was not going to tell Rajinder about her new assignment.
She knew this was going to bring a storm to her married life but she was mentally prepared. She had been thinking about this from the day she decided to enter this field and after many thoughtful sessions with herself she had come to the conclusion that she could not go on molding her life according to Rajinder's wavering view points. However much she tried to train her thoughts and mind she was unable to envisage a life with him taking her far. She saw darkness every time she tried to look into a future with him. She knew by now that he could not provide her togetherness and stability she longed for, she badly needed.
With this came thoughts of Giriraj. He was back in Bikaner now and she was looking forward to seeing him. Sh had told him already about her meeting with Mr. Suri. He was delighted to hear this. To begin with it was his idea and when she had expressed a little hesitation in meeting Mr. Suri he had made her talk with his brother on phone who was working with Mr. Suri. Giriraj told her that he
Was waiting eagerly for her to return as he had to share some news with her. He did not divulge on phone. She kept wondering what it could be.
She was home the next day and was delighted to see Ranjit after almost a week. He however did not seem to be missing her much as he was with his grandparents, very properly pampered with his choicest foods that exclusively meant almost daily trips to the famous“ Chhotu Motu Joshi”shop of sweets. She was shocked to see one whole shelf of fridge filled with boxes of sweets. But seeing Ranjit happy, contented, obediently attending to his school and home work was more than a reward for her. She did not mind this indulgence.
The day she reached home she was waiting to break the news to her parents. After lunch when they all settled down for afternoon in the living room she told them. Surjit looked at her bewildered.
“You mean to say you met Prabhat Suri, himself?” “Yes. I did.”
“And you asked him for work? How could you do that? This is not a very decent thing to do.” Surjit could not help not finding it palpable. She had been a government officer all her life. These new work ethics and ways were alien to her. She had absolutely no experience or knowledge of the corporate culture. She found this derogatory for her very own qualified and well placed daughter to go and ask for work from a man they did not know.
Mehar had some inkling of this displeasure from her, so she remained silent. Janab Singh too could not say anything at the moment. He was too shocked to say anything. Mehar sat waiting for more. She knew her mother would have to speak her mind and ultimately would understand but she would have her reservations and would, as her nature was, think it aloud. She waited for more her pourings. She had realized by now that her mother loved her in her own way.
Surjit was worried that Mehar had no knowledge of this kind of work. She would fail at it and that would be very insulting for all of them. She was worried perhaps they had just been cordial to Mehar on her face and would have already forgotten about her by now. Mehar and Janab Singh both sat silent as her monologue continued. Janab Singh had been accustomed to her emotional outbursts which
Were quite common, especially when her blood pressure fluctuated as it was these days. Moreover her being diabetic too was one of the reasons for swings in her moods.
Finally she felt tired. Without waiting for a response from either her husband or her daughter she went inside for a well deserved siesta. Janab Singh returned to the newspaper in his hands and Mehar to her book. Silence filled the house as Ranjit too was fast asleep on the couch nearby. Before long this silence was broken by faint snores of Surjit filtering out of the guestroom, filling the whole house.
From next day onward she began to work on her new assignment. She searched newspapers, magazines, books on regional information and began to earmark stories from that region. She stumbled on many. She sent a list of about a probable dozen stories to Mr. Suri. He approved five of them to be visually worthy. He called Mehar and told her that within a time of two weeks a crew of three people would be with her. She was required to make arrangement for them in advance. Hotel and car bookings, lineup of shoots, interviews and regional music etc which might be needed later at the time of editing the stories. She would have the unit for six to seven days and would have to finish her shoots in that period. It was a tight schedule for this included travel time too. She realized she would have to gear up her act.
Meanwhile Rajinder reached Riyadh. She would get calls from him every evening. While they lived in the same house they rarely spoke to each other but now he had so much to talk to her. He told her about many problems he was facing as he had to learn the local language, had to cook for himself, had to carry large bottles of potable water up to his apartment at second floor. He told her he had never worked so hard in his life as he had to work here. She understood. He had always had people to tend to him. At his family home in his village, he was the only boy of the family who had ventured into the outside world, had become a doctor, so was the apple of every eye. They were all the time at his disposal. Even his own mother had stopped addressing him by name from the day he joined medical school. He was called “doctorsaahib” by everyone, so much so that Mehar too was made to fall in line ultimately and addressed him as “doctorsahib”.
Within a span of two weeks Rajinder had written her four long letters, each on at least three foolscap papers filled on both sides. She tried to read those with her new busy schedule but she found that to be difficult. The two had not been very close to each other and now as Mehar was trying hard to work she did not have neither the time, space nor inclination to build a relationship with him in his absence. She felt abused that when she was here in his presence waiting for him to turn towards her, feel her presence, make her feel wanted and needed, he did not bother to look at her or care for her feelings. And now when he was feeling lost and alone he wanted to lean on her. She remained quiet as usual, she did not feel any soft feelings for him. She kept those letters in her bag and decided to read those when she would find time.
Mehar had many more things to cater to. One fine day during this period, Giriraj broke the news that he had got another better job in a Mumbai newspaper and was leaving in one week's time. They met again at a public place. Mehar did not know how to deal with her emotions at this news. She tried again to hide her tears. She felt very lonely deep inside. She knew this had to happen. She knew that one fine day Giriraj will be moving ahead in his life, but still she kept fire of passion in her alive by fanning it with her wishful thinking. She had accepted her fate yet loved to keep one little ray of hope lingering in her bosom till it died finally. Giriraj was very happy as this was a job in many ways better than his previous one and he would be in the city of his dreams. He wanted one day to produce and direct a full length feature film of his own.
But they wanted to meet one final time before he left. Both of them felt the need to. She was certain that they would not meet at her house. She simply did not feel that right. She was married to Rajinder and this fact she could not erase from her conscience. She knew that this time nothing was going to hold her back. She knew that whatever was between her and Giriraj was beyond any explanations. She could not decipher it. She said to him that she was in love with him. But while alone with herself she questioned herself that if she loved him why could she not be completely with him. She held herself back forcing a sense of contentment in her restless being. She wanted to know more about her love for him. She wanted to explore more of what was between them.
She got the call from Mr. Suri's office that the crew would be in Bikaner next week. She was told about the dates. She had to book
Rooms and a car for their shoots in and around city and three outstations shoots as well. She booked the car. The following day to book rooms in the government owned guest house of RTDC she visited the place and to her utter surprise she found Giriraj there, having lunch with two of his colleagues. They invited her to join. She was introduced to them, two young bashful local guys, with one of them she had already spoken over the phone once. He had played quite a nasty prank on her. But today when she met him in person she did not mind that, he seemed to her to be quite a pleasant person to be around.
After lunch two friends of Giriraj left and they stayed back, looking at each other and wondering what next? She remembered that she had not booked the rooms yet. She went to the booking desk to make inquiries. After booking and making other arrangements she expressed the desire to have a look at the rooms. Giriraj accompanied her. She liked what she saw, rooms were as she expected spacious, simply done, clean and smelt good. The crew was expected the following morning. She was going to be busy with them for a full week. Giriraj knew this. He was leaving day after. He asked her to stay in the room and went outside.
She did not understand but she simply sat on the sofa, waiting for him to return. She sat looking out of the large French window. It was the end of March, flowers were in full bloom, trees were lush green, the whole atmosphere made her forget everything which was on her mind. She forgot about Rajinder's unread letters in her hand bag, she forgot about the crew that was arriving following morning. she forgot that this would be the first time she would have to face the camera, she forgot that she would have to fight a lone battle now for herself to be accepted, she forgot her fears that she might fail at this juncture. She simply sat there waiting for Giriraj to return. She wanted to hold him close to her bosom and feel loved.
He came; he entered room, closed the door and bolted it from inside. Puzzled she got up, stood frozen where she was, looked at him. He stretched his arms, grinning as he walked towards her and before long she was in his arms. She felt his muscular chest against her soft breasts and shivers went up her spine, she looked at him with questioning eyes.
“I have booked this room for a day,” he said and before she could utter a word he silenced her by planting his lips on hers. Her
inner self swooned, she simply gave in. she felt a complete silence within her, reverberating, vibrating with still air of the room. Searching for each other deeper and deeper they found it difficult to keep standing any longer. She felt her knees give way. She asked him to sit down. Still holding onto each other they sat down. Mehar did not know what to say and she found Giriraj too to be at a loss of words.
She was about to say something when he opened his mouth. She kept quiet.
“You know, Mehar, I thought you were an easy game. You were very friendly, open to talk with, lively and your gaze... you always looked straight into my eyes. I found that very inviting.”
“So?” she wanted to hear more from him.
“I thought that we shall have good times together and when I will have to leave I will say a goodbye and off I will be.”
“Then? Off you are now. Leaving me behind.”
“Not leaving you behind. I am not leaving anything behind. I am taking everything with me. I have fallen in love with you.”
She was stunned. She did not know what to reply. She did not want to listen more. It hurt her. It hurt her more than the fact that he thought her to be an easy game. She felt for a strange reason that if it stayed that way it had been better. They would have parted on a happy note. Smilingly saying goodbye to each other and not tied to each other. Now it hurt her real bad. Every time she thought of him she thought of him going away, her eyes filled with tears and her heart sank. She hated this feeling. She wanted to get rid of it. She wanted to know what it meant to be with them and she was in love with and who claimed to be in love with her.
Giriraj knew what he wanted. He had realized opportunity provided by the coincidence of her being here at this guest house at this hour of the day and his being there without any of them knowing about it. He tightened his embrace, made her realize his desire without saying it in words. She responded and before long the two were all over each other wanting more of it. They did not realize when they had gotten up from sofa and were comfortably lounged against each other on bed. She wanted him to discover more of her, to tease her, to arouse her, to let her know how far a man can go with the woman he loves. Forgetting all her inhibitions, her fears,
her reservations, she was a woman at this moment, a complete woman, an incomplete woman, who wanted to feel what it meant to feel complete.
She made a clumsy attempt to open his shirt's buttons, he obliged willingly, before she knew he was there in front of her with his bare chest for her to admire. She could smell his flesh mingled with a faint smell of his aftershave, it made her short of breath. She looked into his eyes and saw raw hunger for her, searching for pleasure. There was more in him she wanted to read, there was even more he wanted to tell her. She wanted to know how it felt to hold a man close to her while he was fully undressed. She wanted to know how it felt to be held with not a thread on her and desired with passion at heart.
Their exploring of each other did not stop as they looked and savored each other. It was heightening tension and air in the room was thickly sitting on them not moving, waiting eagerly for every next move their aroused bodies took while holding on to each other. Air too had decided to be a witness to this lovemaking, as it too knew that this might be the first or may be the last time Mehar witnessed herself with her naked desires opening up to her and claiming her with full force.
They were with each other holding on to time their captive for how long she did not remember, nor did she care to know. Mehar discovered her own sensuality for one more time and realized she wanted to be with this man many more times. She knew this was not the end of the story for her. Today's experience had opened a new chapter in her life. The fact that she was married to Rajinder sat heavily once again on her psyche but at the same time she knew hat Giriraj was not going to fade away from her life and this scared her. This was a frightening situation she found herself to be in every inch of her being demanded and wanted Giriraj and that very inch also shouted with hoarse throat that her society did not approve of that, law of her land never permitted that.
Could she avert the world's eyes from this pleasure they had had right here on this very earth, in this very city, in this very room? The place they chose to be with each other wholly did belong to all and sundry. It neither belonged to Mehar nor to Giriraj but together with them it belonged to the whole world. Will the world come to know that they had tasted the forbidden fruit here at this very
Place? The place where they were lying down now close to each other, her head on his shoulder, their eyes closed, exhausted and exhilarated. Savoring every moment of togetherness, which might not be theirs for a long time or it might not even come to them ever again.
She turned towards Giriraj and shook him. He opened his eyes and looked at her. She saw herself in his pupils, once again she realized that this might be the last time she was looking at him. Her eyes filled again. She closed them. They kissed. Giriraj asked if she could stay overnight. He knew the answer. She remained silent. She got up, collected her clothes and entered the bathroom trying to hide her tears successfully.
She came out to see him dressed, standing by the window, waiting for her. They embraced one last time and came out of the room without a word.
