JUST STAY !
(PART 3)
He shot her a look, a look of anger, a look of surprise. Reeta expecting this, looked away, pretending to look for a waiter. He now knew that Reeta was not his little daughter anymore…she was a grown up. He couldn’t just make things up to pacify her the way he would do in her childhood. He now realised that she deserved to know the truth.
He gulped down his coffee in a loud sip and started confessing, “Your mom cheated on me with Rakesh."
He paused, waiting for a reaction. But he didn't get any. Neeta stared at him, not revealing anything.
He continued,"That evening when you came back from school and saw me arguing with your mother, I had found out about this that afternoon. I knew things were not great between me and your mother since I had lost my job. There was always tension looming on our house . I was always frustrated and angry. Frankly , I felt betrayed. The company which I slogged my ass for, the company which I considered my other family, just one fine day, stopped loving me. It was too much for me to take. Just too much.
I was seething with anger. It felt as if everybody was against me. Everybody! Even your mother. And like all those weak people, instead of confronting my problems with my trusted ones, I picked up a bottle to be my companion. What started as occasional pegs here and there soon became the only reason why I would get out of the bed.
Your mother tried to help me…she really tried. But I was too proud to take any help, too proud to accept that I had a problem. And you…”
He looked straight into those almond shaped, sparkling eyes which were fixed on his face like a statue. He could see, they were now gradually welling up with tears. He continued.
“You my baby, you had begun to get so scared of me .My anger, my frustration, my temper was new to you. Frankly, it was new to me too. A distance grew between us. You started staying away from me. I don’t blame you for that. I really don’t.
So many mornings, when I would wake up from my half conscious state, still lying on the bed, I would look at you in your school uniform, putting notebooks in your bag, one by one, your plaits dangling on your shoulders. In that moment, I wanted to just run to you and give you a bear hug and kiss you on your chubby cheeks and tell you that, ‘You are still papa’s favourite girl.’
But the suffocating stench of alcohol in my breath and that haggard body stopped me from coming near you. I still loved you then…so…so much my beta…” said he, this trying to gulp the lump which was formed in his throat.
Reeta, who had till now tried very hard to contain her emotions, was betrayed by two thick streams of tears, rolling down her cheeks, exposing her troubled soul.
Forty five minutes had passed since they met and for the first time, Reeta had allowed a tiny window for her emotions to be expressed. The tears of her eyes were the evidence of how deep her hurts, how fresh those wounds still were, inflicted on her once tender mind many years ago, living and breathing even today.
Clearing the lump in her throat, she retorted, “Why did you just leave, dad? You just left? Not once did you think what would happen to us after you?”
In barely audible voice, he replied,“I was seething with anger. I was infuriated, enraged…!! Your mom and I…we…nothing was left to say after that afternoon…You won’t understand! I saw them..I saw them…”
Before he could finish, Reeta threw the words at him, “YOU SAW THEM KISSING..!! That’s it, right?!”
Shock! Disbelief! Embarrassment! Shame! Guilt! Discomfort! All these emotions came gushing to him, bulging his eye balls out, stupefying him. Never would have he ever thought that a day would come when he, a father would be questioned about his relationship with his wife by his own young daughter.
Reeta, without expecting any answer, continued, “Yes…I know everything dad. Believe it or not, I really am not a child anymore. I know what happened. Mom confessed everything to me few years ago. Somewhere she blames herself for you leaving us.
BUT I DON’T AGREE !!”
Reeta’s clarity and sharpness were back again, like a swordsman who just for a moment had lost his ground due to an unexpected blow, but now was back on his feet again, steadier, giving sharp blows to the opponent.
This sharpness and matter of fact tone of Reeta was hurting him deeply, as if they were having a face off, and she was hell bent on defeating and weakening him. But he also held his ground, not letting anything be visible on his face. After all, he was her father.
With his eyes boring into hers, and voice sounding firm, he asked, “Why not?”
“Because you leaving us was YOUR choice. Neither mom’s nor mine. It was ONLY YOURS!” Reeta said, firmly, almost sounding as if this statement was rehearsed thousand times before.
After a second’s pause, she murmured almost to herself, “At least, that’s what my therapist reminded me again and again…!”
Incredulous, he reiterated slowly, “T..HE..RA..PIST..!!”
Reeta, now evading his questioning gaze, replied, “Yes! A year you left, I tried to kill myself….!”
What does a parent feel when they find out that the one best part of them being human which is giving birth to another human, an extension of themselves into this world, that one pure natural act of unconditional love, decides that world created by the same parents was so gruesome and inhabitable that the only choice remained with that child is to end the precious gift of life?
The answer is a horrendous sense of shame and utter failure.
These were the exact feelings which he was experiencing right now after hearing what his daughter said. In that moment, he transcended all other roles of his of a human and what remained was just a dejected, shameful father who was shaken to find out that what evils he and his wife would have done, that this tiny soul felt that ending her life was the only way out?
He knew, he failed as a father. He failed as a person. He failed as a human being.
Reeta who was avoiding her father’s gaze, did not notice how the tears which had welled up into his eyes, the shame which had spread on his face and the remorse which sat on his drooping shoulders, heavy as two blocks of lead.
She chided herself on being so vulnerable in front of him. The previous night, when he agreed to meet him, she had explained herself, that no matter what, she wouldn’t become vulnerable in front of him. She wouldn’t give him the pleasure to let him know how much his leaving them affected her, almost destroyed her and her mother. She was going to be strong. She had to be! She couldn’t let him in. No again.
But no matter how much one plans or decides against it, a part of us is always longing, longing to pick up the broken shards of relationship, and stitch the wounds and build the relationship with only one hope in mind, to resume where we left off.
From out of nowhere, these words fell on Reeta’s ears: “Where’s your mother right now? I want to meet her. I want to meet her now.”
Reeta, surprised said, “She’s at home. She knew I was coming here to meet you. So, she didn’t go to work. She’s at home, waiting for me.”
In a firm and resolute voice, he just said, “Let’s go home!”
To be continued...
