KHAT- e- ROSHAN in English Short Stories by Pradipta Roy Chowdhury Sen books and stories PDF | KHAT- e- ROSHAN

KHAT- e- ROSHAN

Dearest baaji,

By the time this letter will reach you, I would be long gone. I won't be even there for your coronation as Badshah begum, or should I call it a re-coronation ceremony. For you it won't be something new. Previously also you were crowned as Badshah begum by our loving jannat nashin Abbahuzur right after the death of our Ammijaan. Ahh... now stop pretending to be so surprised. After me gone, whom else can our brother dearest trust beside you with the responsibility of his vast harem? He does not even trust his wives' loyalty towards himself. How can he trust them with this huge responsibility?

To tell you the truth Baaji, I also would not trust any of those women in his harem. Yes, if Dilras Bano [1] was alive till date may be you would not have been given the chance. But good for you that she is dead. Udipuri [2] is capable though, but who would trust a slave girl who after the death of her former master had happily taken refuge in his rival's embrace. So you see Baaji all the pieces are falling into a perfect picture to make you, the perfect princess always, the Badshah begum.

Oh! How since my childhood I have hated your perfection Baaji! You were the perfect daughter that Abbahuzur and Ammijaan had been gifted as their first born by the almighty. You were the perfect elder sister to your siblings, always guiding them towards right and instructing them to follow your example. Even for those slaves and attendants in our service, you were the perfect mistress, always humble and polite to them. You had always been that perfect beauty which we, the Mughals had lusted after. With your fair complexion and blue eyes you were the perfect epitome of that Persian beauty whom the Mughals have always worshipped. Noorjehan [3], the Persian beauty who enchanted our grandfather and was responsible for our sufferings, our Ammijaan who was also called a softer replica of Noorjehan and you are another replica of our beautiful mother. I wonder Baaji if your beauty and resemblance to Ammijaan was the main reason behind Abbahuzur’s decision to make you the Badshah begum so quickly, after Ammijaan’s demise ignoring his other wives who were elder and more experienced than you? May be he had become too used to with seeing Ammijaan sitting next to him behind the jharokha during the court procedures. Now, now Baaji don't frown. I know you must be thinking of that rumor [4] about you and Abbahuzur. Trust me Baaji you should trust these eunuchs for spreading any rumor you want. I just had to loose talk about how Abbahuzur loved you more than any of his other children because of your resemblance to Ammijaan and see what story they cooked up. Are you shocked to know this Baaji that your younger sister is behind all this? I was also shocked Baaji when I had heard you making fun of me with your maids, calling me the dirt of Ammi's womb which had to be cleared before she can give birth to another beautiful child. Do you remember that incident? May be not. It was just a joke for you. But for me it was a stinging wound which had remained raw and bleeding till date. Oh how I ran crying to Ammijaan to complain against you. But she, the ever pregnant lady who was always busy in keeping her husband away from other women of the harem had no time for me. She rather told me to go to you and sort out my problem. Imagine my situation Baaji, my complain was against you and to you only I was told to go and solve my problem.

Why Baaji you all never thought me beautiful? Yes I was not as fair as rest of you, but my complexion was that of any native of this country. Everybody says that I had inherited my grandmother's Indian looks [5] whereas you all had taken after our maternal side. Being fairer could not be a symbol of beauty or virtue for you. Why wasn't that you only who called Aurangzeb the "white serpent" [6] after he defeated your favorite Dara in the battle of Samugarh? [7]

Baaji since childhood you had a strong bond with Dara. Till date I have failed to realize the reason behind that. Why did you hate some of us and loved the other more than us? You were supposed to be our mother after the demise of Ammijaan. But you became Ammi's substitute for Abbahuzur but never for us. No Baaji I am not indicating towards those dirty rumors about you and Abbahuzur. I know how very untrue those are. What I mean to say is that you took Ammi's place in advising and counselling Abbahuzur. Your sympathy and understanding brought Abbahuzur back from his stupor where he went after the death of his loving wife. I remember very well how very broken he seemed when you all came back from Burhanpur [8] leaving Ammi there. He seemed a very different man, a stranger to me. He was so engrossed in his grief of losing his wife that he forgot that his children had also lost their mother, that his children needed him more than ever. But no, for him his grief was the greatest.

Have you ever realized Baaji what a difficult childhood we all had? My only memory of our mother is seeing her with her swollen belly and bloodless pale face, moving around the harem to check if any other begum or concubine had dared to seduce Abbahuzur, if any other woman in the harem had conceived. She was always busy with plotting to keep her position safe, not to let anyone else usurp that. I have heard from the eunuchs that in good old days empress Noorjehan had wanted Abbahuzur to marry her daughter Laadli. [9] Even Naanujaan and his father were willing for this match as it would have strengthened Abbahuzur’s position and removed all obstacles between his claims to the throne. But Ammijaan had objection to this proposal. She was afraid of much younger and gentle Laadli begum who was also the daughter of clever Noorjehan. She objected violently, even threatened to kill herself and the child she was carrying, as always. Surrendering to her demand, Abbahuzur also denied the proposal to make Noorjehan angry. I wonder if that day he agreed to that proposal what would have happened. Then maybe we did not need to spend a large portion of our childhood in taking refuge from one place to another, maybe we did not spend our childhood in exile, may be our brothers Dara and Aurangzeb would not have been separated from us, may be would have had a childhood in the palace itself. And maybe it would have made Laadli also a happy woman.

Baaji have you ever met Laadli? Abbahuzur had exiled Noorjehan to Lahore. [10] Laadli also went with her. During summer when the court would shift to Lahore [11] so would the harem. Once I had sneaked out to meet the infamous, vile Noorjehan who was the root cause of our misfortune before Abba became the shehenshah or so she was called. I had blackmailed my maid to take me there. You see, from those early days only I had learnt how to pull which string to get my work done. Growing up in a royal household is never very easy. It robs one of his or her innocence. So thus I went to meet the former empress. She was living in a small house with only Laadli and her old eunuch to look after her. The door was opened by a girl of my age. A sweet girl with those azure eyes which had never failed to mesmerize the Mughal emperors. She was also a princess, daughter of our uncle Shahriyaar [12] who was killed by the orders of our Abbahuzur. Baaji Abbahuzur had also killed his brothers and nephews [13] to remove all the claimants to the throne. Then why do you all condemn Aurangzeb so much? He had only followed what his father had done before him. But may be again this how the world is.

Baaji did you know Laadli had a daughter also? Her name is Arzaani. [14] She was hardly one year when her father was killed. She did not have any memory of his. She was not wearing silk like me or any jewelry. But she was happy. Yes Baaji she did not had any servant to do her chores or even the guards to open the door. But still she was happy. Unlike us who had all the comforts and riches, but still were complaining and plotting against each other. She looked at me, wide eyed. May be she had never seen anyone like me visiting her house. My maid admonished her for keeping me out for a long time. She was startled by that. She ran inside shouting, "Ammi see a princess had come."

Then came she who could have been our step mother, Laadli begum, daughter of Noorjehan and her first husband Sher Afghan, widow of deceased emperor Shahriyaar. May be for few days only, but Laadli had also become the empress of India, just like our mother. My maids had told me that there were quite a few nobles in Abbahuzur's court who wished to marry Laadli after the death of our uncle Shahriyaar, daring Abbahuzur's wrath. But she instead chose to remain by the side of her ageing mother and slowly fading into oblivion. Honestly speaking Baaji I liked her a lot and it was her attraction more than her mother which drew me to their place, not once but quite a many time. The first time I saw her she was all draped in black and that was the only color I saw her in. The color if mourning. I wonder if she was mourning her husband or the tragic end of her mother's reign or simply the end of all happiness of her life. But maybe I am wrong because I never found her complaining or crying. Yes, a veil of melancholy was obviously there shrouding her gentle personality. But she was happy with her old mother, old and faithful eunuch and obviously her daughter, the light of her life. I wish I could know how Arzaani is now. The last I heard about her was the news of her marriage with a common man, a scribe in Lahore court. Isn't that nice Baaji that her mother decided to fade into oblivion? She could marry her daughter easily without need to worry about the war of succession which can break between the off springs of the daughters and sons of the Mughal emperors. Isn't that the reason cited for not marrying us of? How very ironical it is Baaji that being the daughters of a couple whose story of love is famous around the country, we can never taste that love. But tell me something, did keeping us unmarried put a stop to the war of succession? You don't need to answer that question. I know again you will try to convince me in your own wicked way. The way you have convinced everyone in the harem about me organizing orgies and indulging in hideous pleasures of flesh.

Why did you criticize me so much Baaji for whatever I did since childhood? Sorry. I am wrong. You did not criticize me only. You criticized each and everyone around you to show how very perfect you are and how imperfect others are. You had not even spared poor Gauhar also who needed a mother to care for her. But you had always made her realize that she had been the cause of our mother's death. But was she really to be blamed for? I have heard the harem women talk how Ammijaan would not let Abbahuzur go to any other women and would always insist of being with child to persuade him to bear her tantrums. But see where it had led us all to. Out of her fourteen children only seven lived to reach a mature age only to be killed by their siblings. I think this is the curse of being born to a royal family. You cannot even trust your own blood. Abbahuzur killed his brothers and nephews, Aurangzeb killed his siblings to gain access to the throne. Now see his condition, he cannot even trust his sons also. He lives with a constant fear of being imprisoned or dethroned by anyone of his sons.

There is no denial of the fact that you and me both were impressed by the authority begum Noorjehan held over the emperor and thus over the empire. We both wanted to be in her place. We both selected our pawns for the throne. But unfortunately for us our pawns stood out to be wrong selection. Your Dara turned out to be a weakling against me and Aurangzeb. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I supported Dara and you Aurangzeb. May be the history would have been written differently. I believe my cunning to be more dangerous than your manipulations and Aurangzeb's polity. You have been a master in manipulations from beginning. How you made that Rajput Raja [15] in believing that you loved him. How you manipulated him to support the lost cause of Dara against the mighty army of Murad and Aurangzeb and how foolishly he believed in your love to lay down his life for your pawn. Is love really so blind Baaji? Yes it must be. That is why Abbahuzur could never see through his wife's plots to keep him away from his other wives and Ammijaan never understood her husband's lust and passion for other women.

You know Noorjehan had once remarked that Arzoo [16] is being foolish in stopping her husband from visiting other women in his harem. She was of opinion that one should let her husband free, if he loves her truly he would obviously come to her. She used to quote few lines written by Khan i khana, [17]

Rahiman dhaga prem ka mat todo chatikaye

Toote to na jude, jude to gaanth padi jaye.

She used to say that love and trust are like two delicate birds. If you hold them too tight they would die. If you hold them too loose they will fly. So it’s better to let them free and remain loyal to you. Is it really so Baaji? Is love really like that? May be it is. How do I know? During my childhood, I ran with my exiled parents from one kingdom to other. In my prime, I was busy plotting against my father and siblings. And finally when I got my hold to power, I found that woman in me long dead, instead there was a savage who enjoys ruling mercilessly, loves to plot against people, killing and destroying everyone. All was finished in me. I encouraged Aurangzeb to insult and behead Dara and then got it send to imprisoned and dethroned emperor as a gift from the new emperor.

I took men as lovers to know what love means. But could find only lust for a royal body or fear of Roshanara begum in them. They disgusted me. You took this opportunity to provoke those begums against me who hated me for my high handedness. You fed Aurangzeb various scandalous stories against me. Instigated by you, the pious princess and constantly nagged by his wives, he took the decision to strip me of my title and position of Badshah begum.

Thus the way is paved for a new Badshah begum who had been awaiting the call from a long time patiently, like a vulture awaiting the death of an injured animal so that it can feast on it.

You must be planning now how to humiliate me more, how to take revenge for your fallen father and brother. Yes, your only. They were never mine. Nobody in our family have really loved anyone except may be some of those women who came to our family as wives like Nadira [18] or Dilras banu. They loved their husbands blindly. Nadira followed her husband in his destitute and died in pain. Dilras banu sacrificed her wishes and freedom only to keep her restless husband peaceful. Love is something which would always remain elusive in our family whether that be the love between father and son or husband and wife. If you think that you would now succeed in putting up a fiasco of happy family, you ate wrong. The poison you have fed our brother to get rid of me had started to show its true colors. Emperor Aurangzeb now do not trust anyone. How can he when his most trusted ally and sister Roshanara can betray him, who else is there for him to turn to?

So Jahanara begum, there you fail again. He may give you title and power but you can never again win his trust, no one can.

And I can also no more carry this burden which is becoming heavier day by day with pain and torture I inflicted on others and the hatred I had received in return. So finally I have decided to escape from this by ending my life.

So many works had remain incomplete, so many wishes and desires unfulfilled. So much 8 could have done and undone. So much I wanted to do and achieve. Above all I wanted to love and be loved. But all in vain. The curse of being a Mughal shehzadi could not be avoided.

Baaji if you also share any of my pains, please try to remove this curse levied upon a girl of Mughal family [19] since her birth. This is my only request to you.

Never yours

Roshanara begum

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