The Little Joy
Rajshri Suresh
Morning, noon and night she had been with him, restless though, attending to all his needs; complaining of none, yet thoughtful and disturbed for reasons unknown. Her eyes forlorn, seemed worried, lost in thoughts, though her voice spoke of none. Had he noticed her fretfulness? She knew not. Never had he ever bothered to even acknowledge her presence; gone were the days she would brood over his reactions. It had taken years for her to comprehend what she really meant to him. Tried hard had she during the initial days of marriage to meet his expectations, but now, accepted had she her place in silence. The nonpareil wife who did all the chores and met all his crazy exigencies without complaining was just not her. Of late sensed had she that he did not want to even sleep with her. “You can get pregnant.” repeat did he often, and every time he retired wonder did she if there was another. Never did she try to find out; never did she want to know… “Knowing that is not going to make any difference…!!But what a ludicrous excuse to make!!” All these years she had deemed that men wanted salubrious wives who could procreate; strange was her man!! “Ahh!! No wonder Japanese men use robots…!!” Smiled to herself did she; a smile that shrouded all her loneliness and sorrow that none but she ever perceived.
Several years now, used to all his eccentricities had she got. “A worthless life; a mere existence!!” she thought “Pretty am I; they admire me!! Why not he?” “Why did he ever marry me?” oft wondered she.
An escape from this quandary she longed for; a true purpose in life she delved for. Taking up a job was not possible; run away from her responsibilities never did she. Higher studies an option; longed to be back in college did she; “Back to books and the company of friends; happy would I be…”thought she.
A bright student had she been; but seventeen years had it been. “Will they take me in? All the cooking and cleaning, serve no purpose; wasted my life have I, regret my past do I!! Too late is it for me? Or still can I try? Have one more chance do I?” Awakened had her ambitions been after years of hibernation; ready was she not to relinquish without trying. Clueless and apprehensive about the route, thanks to a companion, a pillar of strength and support who helped her resolve her difficulty. “College, that’s my dream!!” screamed with excitement did she, but the hurdles thoroughly knew she.
Thoughts in her turbulent; words in her timid; she rambled, unable to ask or act. “Permit, will he not; jeopardize the conveniences enjoyed for so long will he not; materialize this thought, it will not; enter another fight, must you not…”, her inner voice kept bawling; “but ask must I” she kept asserting. “Convince my husband, a herculean task, know do I; but try sure will I; my dreams to fulfill, resolute am I…!!” the confidence build in her she sensed, as these words to herself she said.
Having his lunch was he, when approached him did she, sensing her uneasiness enquire about her need did he. “I wish to learn” blurted she; shock was what she expected, but tranquil was he. Why, when, what and how enquired he and “let me think” was all he committed. Brood over what his answer would be did she; restless the whole afternoon was she. Called her friend did she, consolation and encouragement receive did she. Concentrate on nothing could she, neither eat anything did she. Evening, as he entered, expectant for an answer rushed she, but mention nothing about her plans did he. Pretending to have forgotten, continued his routine tasks did he. Ultimately unable to contain herself anymore asked she “Proceed with my plans may I?” and surprised looked he. “Serious are you? Your age, remember do you? Your daughter to college shall soon proceed, so how can you?”
Determined this time though, continued pursuing him did she. “No age limit for my course or my desire” said she, “all arrangements have been made. Your permission is all I need; our daughter never shall I forsake, to you all my commitment I make.” Her silent prayer to all Gods she made and waited for the much awaited reply. Heavens seemed to feel sorry for her this time, understanding her pain, wanted to ease it out for her. “You may if you want, but nothing at home must change; all I want, and all she wants.”
How nice…he was permitting!!! God had finally heard her prayers!!
“This was the man I had wanted and longed for all these years; a man who bolstered me” naively thought she. For the first time in life she knew she was happy to be a part of him. Her lips , all the more beautiful with a genuine smile, hummed a nice little tune, one to which her heart danced to, and afresh she proceeded to continue her journey… the irreproachable journey of being a wife, a mother, and now, a student. “A middle aged student!!” she laughed a hearty laugh as the joy in her knew no bounds.
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